Can you say "Hiatus"?

Just a quick post to tell you I am back.

Whew. A lot of downtime. Multifactorial. Mostly I had a blockage, a mental one.

I started running again about a week ago. Removal of blockage is initiated. I may never learn, but at least I keep trying.

So, I am entering what I call a "creative period". This is defined by the fact that I will do everything in my power NOT to destroy and spend that time creating. I'm certain there will be a disturbance in the force. So be it.

A friend told me the other day to consider what I might think of these moments when I am 85 (hopefully a long, healthy life). You may think I cannot possibly have made it this far without considering my older self. Maybe I don't think I have very long. In any case, I'm going to start living like I'm 85, with a 25(ish) year old mind, and a body that hasn't quit.

See you soon.

Hollyj

Status Quo

It was an unconscious weekend.

Dropped kids off, had dinner, moving party, dinner with an old friend, slept a lot, improv…

Notice no running in there. I am so bummed out right now I could puke. Self destruction is on high volume. Self loathing even worse.

I loathe my self loathing.

I may have hit the bottom yesterday. At least I hope I did. Because any further down is going to be irreversible. Luckily, there are kind people in the world.

Sometimes if I really stop feeling sorry for myself, I realize the gifts I have been given.

It's just that I want it all. I am like a child that way. And knowing that does not seem to help me to stop the torture of obsessing about what I don't have.

Keep praying.

hollyj

Bandaid

Im So Tired. Name of a song, y'know.

Woke up at 4 am, didn't really sleep after that. Torturous dreams of everything being taken away. Not much subconscious in that, is there?

Good things: made it through the day, managed things that needed managing, did not (yet) veg out on tv, went to an author's reading, got inspired.

Bad things: bummed out about lost relationship, spent time on fb, missed time with kids due to author thingy, worrying about long days alone, did not run, tired of myself, really, really tired of myself.

I want my hopes and good dreams to come true, but that comes with sacrifice, hard work, commitment, honesty and all that. What I realize more and more is that I won't be happy until I start practicing it all the time, or at least most of the time.

I ripped off the bandaid yesterday. Now I have to deal with the open wound.

Prayers. Please.

Hollyj

Ch Ch Ch Changes

I don't know what to say about today, really. That feeling of unsettledness that I was having the last time I wrote became more and more unsettling until it kind of boiled over, I guess. I felt like I might be losing something really important. I can't comment on it because it involves my kids. I reached out for help and kinda got slapped in the face. Last night I felt full panic.

Anyway, I finally took a sleeping pill and slept. I woke up this morning feeling okay, but things became clear to me as the day went on. Sometimes you have to let go. I thought I had let go of a ton of things the past few years. Today I let go of the person I thought I would always have in my life. Even writing that makes me feel a bit ill. But all of it is making me ill. Literally. My stomach was pierced with knives all day long. I don't know what will happen next. Love either leaves you or comes back even stronger, in my experience.

I went to the book store and bought a bunch of books. I have lots of paint and other projects. I have kids and running and soccer and writing, of course. I have just a few friends left, but when I just listen to 5 minutes of the news, I know I'm lucky. I could live in the Philippines, for instance.

In other aspects of my life, I discovered that several seasons of the original Law & Order are on Netflix, which is both wonderful and horrible, as it will cut into anything productive. I had Monday off, and got some things done including a hike to Tumalo Falls which included a totally embarrassing fall into the creek. Ah, the bruises. Body and ego. However tonight I scored ANOTHER GOAL!!!!! A beautiful goal; upper right hand corner this time. Yep. I love soccer, I really do. And I appreciate that I can still play. That game gave me such pleasure tonight. I love this team. I don't know how long it will last, but I have learned to hold the good moments in my heart and mind, because they are fleeting.

The very last thing is that I must commit to my health. I know what needs to happen. Finances could use some attention too.

At any rate, thanks for listening. I am out a great friend, and that is going to be an enormous hole in my life. On top of that another very close friend is not talking to me because he is in that deep dark hole of self-alienation and I can't help, because he won't let me.

Once again, I ask for prayers. These days are going to be difficult.

Hey! At least it's a good season to volunteer.

Take good care, my friends.

Hollyj

How do you spell coo-coo?

I am trying so hard to convince myself to run today. I was doing so well, but now am struggling with a general feeling of ick. I feel like my mind is playing tricks on me.

I did get a lot accomplished yesterday and today. Things I did not even feel like doing. I went to bed early---for a Friday night--- and actually was out of bed and in the shower by 9:30, which is truly amazing. Ran some errands, did some household fixes. Now I feel like I have run out of steam. Not tired, exactly, but mentally, the zing has gone out. I know it's partially because I am hungry, but don't want to eat until I go running, though, so I'm in a quandary. I know I need to, probably will, but thought I'd guilt myself by writing about it.

I am enjoying my job more and more, but also liking tutoring less and less. This is not a good thing. It makes my days long and makes me cranky. Then, I feel tired when I get home and let things go that need to be done. Sigh…
Here's hoping I take some time today and tomorrow to catch up so I can take the day off and have some fun on Monday.

My daughter and I had a little disagreement. She wanted to go to "Open Gym" today. She has been talking about it for weeks. I took her, and after about 15 minutes, she was just standing by the wall, doing nothing. She was pouting because she had no one to play with. She never informed me that this was a requirement for her having fun. It really irritated me because she does this sometimes. We do something that she is excited about doing, but if it does not go exactly the way she wants it to, it's ruined. I don't like this kind of behavior at all. So that bums me out too. It is the same with her expectations of herself: perfectionism. I am struggling to parent our way out of this.

When I think of the things that bother me, I try to tell myself, "What would you say to a friend if she came to you with the same problem?

I guess I'd tell her to go running and clear her mind, and realize you cannot control everything. Try to have a good day without letting the things you can't control drive you coo-coo (sp?).

One more day

Long day. Long week.

Thank God it's Friday and all that. Well, it will be Friday soon. Don't know what the weekend will be. There are many plans afoot, but no commitments so far. Don't know what to do, really. Why does it seem like it's either a million fun things to do, or complete isolation?

I had a great soccer game last night. We STILL didn't win, but my playing has gotten so much better, and I scored a goal. I just need more endurance so that my defense does not always fall apart at the end. Sometimes it's just one more step...

My commitment to running just sucks right now. I know it's got a lot to do with the weather, and now that my job and tutoring force me to be away from the house so much I feel really lacking as a mom and a housekeeper. Then to try to carve out time to run. But I have to get back to the mindset that it is about my health, both physical and mental.

In many ways I have grown a ton these past few months, but it was almost like that growth took so much out of me, I lost my other balances.

At any rate, I have got to get ahold of a few loose ends that need tying up and be strong in the things that require my attention. It is too easy for me to get caught up in the moment of pleasing the ones I love and forget that I have responsibilities that will eventually kick me in the behind. I need to make changes that get me positive support, instead of letting my guilt suck my time away.

One more day.

Holly

Groundbreaking

I have been in a writing slump. Could not seem to get inspired or whatever.

I managed to get two runs in last week along with my soccer game, but I am seriously sick of my lack of commitment and this 5 lbs. that is making my pants feel tight. Now that it is cold and dark, everything is more challenging. Time has been flying by since I started the new job and I feel like I will never catch up. So, I need to start to schedule out my time. I also need to watch less tv and stop vegging on stuff like you tube and Facebook. And a million other things I need to do.

On the bright side of things, I really like my job. I think my funk is lifting. I went to Portland last weekend and had a nice time. I am coming to terms with my life as it is, trying very, very hard not to wish and want and expect. I am trying to be drawn to what is healthy and progressive. It feels lonely at times, but I have decided it is better to be lonely than desperate for...

Groundbreaking, right?

Oh, and health care is coming. There are decisions I need to make soon. I want this body to be a bit more operational.

I think what I am shooting for is to funnel my energy into things that beget energy. I know how pleased I would be if my running was going well, my house and yard were more spiffy, and I started to make progress on the creative things I for which I was given a bit of talent.

So, patient readers, I hope to speak again tomorrow about the everyday, instead of trying to catch up on the many things that have been going on in many days' time.

Long Time No Post

Running: Better, not best. 

Diet: not great, though I blame the birthday.

Kids: Amazing

Other things: variable 

Writing: self -evident

Revelations: many. More to come when I get more sleep. Sometimes you grow in silence.

hollyj

Reality Adjustment

All is well and yet I am trudging through the depths of things also.

Running is better, but I am still not losing weight, which I don't know what to say... eating too much, beverage calories....I don't know? Not that I am huge, but I want to be back in all of my clothes, not just the generous ones.

Work is good. Kids are good. Quasi-relationship is good and sometimes worrisome. But I am a worrier. He does not seem to value my need to write to him on a near constant basis. But I am a writer. When I don't write I feel stoved up.

I am really tired tonight, so I don't know what more to say. I feel a disturbance in the force, to be frank. But I don't know if it because I am being manipulated or because I am torturing myself.

In need a serious reality adjustment.

Pray for me the next few days. I need it desperately.

hollyj

Letting Go

Today was a long day, a roller coaster type of day.

I had a training from 8 to 4, so I had to entrust my children---at school at at home--to others. I like to be in control of things, in case you have not noticed, or maybe you just don't know me that well. I went to the training. The instructor played "The Day the Music Died" near the end of the day. That was quite a moment. Being named after Buddy Holly and knowing every word in that song and being asked what it made me think of. It made me think about my father, and music and many other connected things in a new way. I actually enjoyed the training, but I was distracted all day. I am not entirely sure why. I just had an unsettled feeling.

Anyway, everything seemed to go well today, except the bleeding is crazy again. And there are some other complications that I don't want to go into detail about, other than to say that small towns are fraught with situations that leave you to make difficult choices, even about who can be your doctor. Frustrating.  I wish people would keep things to themselves. Especially professionals. I have higher standards. I don't share anything that would even potentially compromise anyone. I am pretty disappointed in a few people in the last few days. I guess I have to keep things close to my chest now. Sad, really, because I feel I have always been very respectful of confidential information shared with me, and the others in this situation just seem to think it is fodder for their gossip or whatever.

On to better things. Have confirmed 30 hours per week now. It will start on Monday. It's a huge foothold, and I need to focus on creating a path to what I really want. I think that the universe is giving me a hand up, and I better respond. There are many encouraging things.

Had a difficult moment with my daughter last night. It is hard to balance the love and discipline sometimes. I want to solve her problems, but I have to hold her accountable all the same. I also need to step up and have a real conversation with her father. We are adults. It has been six years. It is time to actually talk to each other face to face and start making a future for these kids. I am ready. I have finally let go of what I needed to. I am my own woman. It only took nearly 45 years.

The thing about letting go is that it is sad, because what you were holding on to had some meaning for you, became a part of who you are. But it is also freeing, because it opens up the space for you to be whoever you want to be, instead of the prison of definitions you were in; the frustrated ex-wife, the lonely single mother, the abused daughter, the unfulfilled dreamer. Whatever is holding you back, you have to let it go. Believe me, I have a lot of "let-go" on my list, but it seems easier and easier the more I let go. And, the space it has created is multidimensional. And it takes a great degree of courage and love and radical acceptance of what is. Also, if I haven't already said it, it does not feel good at first, but it does get better.

A quote from the Dalai Lama:

"Mentally, physically and emotionally we are the same. We each have the potential to good and bad and to be overcome by disturbing emotions such as anger, fear, hatred, suspicion and greed. These emotions can be the cause of many problems. On the other hand if you cultivate loving kindness, compassion and concern for others, there will be no room for anger, hatred and jealousy."

hollyj

What is is with you,Tuesday?

I had a nice couple of days there, in terms of... ah, nevermind. Illusions. Delusions. Who even knows? Moments. That's all we have sometimes.

Monday was not too brutal, but I was tired. I think my clotting condition is acting up again. Bleeding again. One zit is like a hemorrhage. Nosebleed. Ach. Slept SO much yesterday. Anemia?

Then, waiting to find out when my interview was going to happen. I was told it would be this morning, but then heard nothing. I did not want to be annoying, but finally called last night, after being prodded by a friend at 8:30pm. I got a response later that the interview was postponed until Wednesday. Today I learned it is scheduled for 9am tomorrow. What shall I wear? Seriously.

Today was a stumble of a day. Tired, cranky, and generally only looking forward to one thing that did not happen. Grumble. Reluctant manipulative student. Other stuff. Unknowns. Ick.

Still, I went running. My legs felt like lead, and now my back hurts like crazy. I am SO out of shape. Oh, I should do some core work. I know. Whatever.

Now I have a ton of stuff to to for the interview, the sub I need on Thursday for the training, the other crud that I have to do just to keep my sorry head above water.

Am I grumpy? Am I failing to appreciate the positive? Yes.

My daughter broke her tablet. I went off on her, in re, responsibility, blah, blah, blah. She cried. Sigh. Now I have to fix all of that. When will I stop having to fix things? On my deathbed, probably. Still. First world problems.

I hear about a local woman who died. She was shot in the head by her ex, and then he took off with her four year old child. Jesus Mary and Joseph.
A family member of mine; a young beautiful girl, celebrated her birthday today. The first without her longtime love, who was killed by a car this year. This world is so messed up. Where is love?

Tuesday, you kill me sometimes.

hollyj

WeekEnd

***Published in the wee hours of Monday

Okay,
So Friday Saturday Sunday Nonstop Kid Power. There were play dates and Fun Centers and Bowling and Pumpkin Patches and playing of music and meals and all sorts of stuff. Plus coughing daughter slept in my bed two of those nights due to extreme attachment to Mama. Yes, I changed the sheets today, don't get all in an uproar. I'm already feeling sick though...

Oh yeah I forgot to mention the digestive disorder that plagued me for three mornings in a row. Everything was going right through me. Scary. So glad I was not working. There would have been mad dashes to the restroom. Still feeling nausea, headache. Headache that will not leave, once again. Probably a tumor.  (jk)

Anyway, I was battling all of this and trying to work on projects of various kinds, getting out the sweaters, Halloween decorations, laundry and other general cleaning. Let's just say not a lot was accomplished.

Went to a movie with the un-boyfriend. I don't know what to say about any of that at this point. I know I have a bit of growing to do. I know how I feel. I know relationships are work.  Discussions about things, no change. Detente. I say a lot prayers for everyone. We all need it.

Went running today. Was initially crabby about it. Felt good during. Don't know if it hindered or helped my physical condition, but felt like crashing about 8pm. But then, I was probably hypoglycemic as I did not eat much today due to fear of earlier symptoms.

So tomorrow(later today) there is a run, like a social run. I felt twingey today, don't know if I should go. Also, I have to deal with this tutoring student, the driver's ed. issue, my state taxes and I think I double booked on Wednesday, but can't remember with whom. Short term memory is a bust.

Last comment: what is up with Google+ ? I don't get it. I don't like it thus far. Circles? I think I am being scammed.

Alrighty. I have to work in less than 8 hours. Monday is going to suck, unless I inherit some lion blood while I sleep.

hollyj

Feeling the Positive

Man,
I wore myself out today (Thurday---I am writing in the wee hours of Friday).
Got up early to get the boy to school. Then my girl was ready for her Mommy and Me day at 8 am. I usually have to wake her up at that time on a school day, but she was raring to go. So we went to breakfast, shuttled kittens for a checkup at the Humane Society, went to Goodwill and scored on some books, did a little necessary shopping (well, the Avril LaVigne CD was a little treat) and then ended at the library. More books, movies, and another AL CD on loan. Had just enough time to cash in on a free smoothie before the boy got home, then hanging out, dinner and a brutal soccer game. Played short for half the game, but I played well. I am happy about that. I really did my best.

The upside is that everyone had a good day. I spent time giving my kids what they needed. I spent at least 44 minutes not worrying about anything but soccer.

I currently have a dilemma about taking on another job as a driver's ed. instructor. Okay, y'all stop laughing now. I just don't think I can sacrifice 120 hours of my life to train for a job I might like, maybe. It's another obligation. The guy is a hard sell. He wants me there, wants to make it work. "We just really liked you. We think you will do a great job." Sure. Another person who is trying to draw on my people pleasing tendencies. ERGHH.

I need to take some time to think about all the things. I have to make the kids first priority and work out a schedule with their father, and hopefully communicate to him in some way that he understands that I don't wish to argue anymore. I am literally sick of it. If he is happy in his life, then why not choose to get along?????

Secondly, my career is at a point in which I have some things to pick and choose from, which may benefit me in a number of ways, but I cannot sacrifice my kids.

Finally, I have to engage in putting myself first when I have time to myself. The things that I love: writing, running, soccer, etc. and not be afraid to seek out people and places that support these positive things, instead of hiding in my little home-cave, feeling sorry for myself. I also thought of at least three different things I can do at work to be a positive force.

Feeling positive. Hope it sticks.

Hollyj

Hey,
Thanks to everyone who responded to my post yesterday. So many positive words, things to meditate upon and other such lovely love.

I woke up this morning, with strange dreams clouding my mind. The theme of which seems to be me not measuring up in some way. Varied locations, different characters, but all disapproving or causing me anxiety, making me feel like I don't measure up.

So, that is what my subconscious is feeding me.

Anyway, I have a ton of inspiration, and while today was no pinnacle of discipline, it was definitely a huge source of truth. There were things that I loved to hear, and then things that I did not really want to hear, though I knew before I heard them, they were true. But that is the way life is. Acceptance is the hardest part for the dreamers. We want it to be perfect and full of love. But sometimes, you get affirmation along with the brutal truth. It's real.

One story I totally forgot about and need to share. My daughter, who is 8, asked me as we were fooling around on the piano last week, if I knew the song "Imagine" (Actually, she quoted, "the one that goes 'imagine all the people'..."). I was initially stymied that she did not know that I had probably played that song in the car, at home, a gajillion times in the last 8+ years. But I said that I did know it. I plunked it out on the piano for her, feeling my way through the chords. We sang. I asked "Where did you hear it?" She replied,"I dunno, on the radio or something." One of the most important songs of all time. At 8, she seemed to really get it. This girl will break my heart over and over again. Glad to have her. And all of my kids wring me out---in a good way. Just wish I could do them justice. But, I haven't given up yet.


You may say I'm a dreamer
But i'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one

hollyj

Canary in the Coal Mine

For some reason, Sunday is just not a great day for me.

I was happy with Friday and Saturday. I kept myself busy: reading and writing, volunteered, went running (YAY) . But Sunday morning came and when a friend texted me for breakfast, I just rolled over and piled the blankets back on. Sorry friend, I just could not muster.

It was a beautiful day too. A day to go to the Fall Festival, to walk in the park, to enjoy the change of the leaves---where you can find them. But I just felt that empty sense of loss. The aching vacuum of depression that takes hold of me sometimes.

I finally left the house to have dinner, and ended up going to a movie, and I was even cranky about that. It did make me feel better to lose myself in the film. Thank you for that, friend. I would have stayed home and let myself drown (not literally, things aren't that bad, after all) if I had not made a promise.

I am growing so disappointed in humankind. As if the "kind" got erased. Like no one seems to care about anything important anymore. It's heartbreaking for a canary like me. By that I mean, the canary in the coal mine, the warning that the air is going bad.

I went through bouts of therapy years back, trying to puzzle out why things happened and what to do about them. One person told me,"You are sensitive. You are the canary. You probably always will be. But we need people like you in the world to tell us when the air is growing poisonous." Of course the only problem with this metaphor, I realized later, is that the canary dies.

I know this kind of thing is not unique to our era. People, for whatever reason, are awful to one another sometimes. People forget the Golden Rule, or choose to ignore the real implications. People don't personalize the suffering of others. I know practically that it's too overwhelming; that if you put your heart out there for every starving child, every school shooting, every dictator that massacres his own people, you would never get out of bed. If you thought about how corporations are in control and how little one person can do to change our lobbyist-ridden government, and how eventually money is all that matters.

I just hope and pray. And I am trying, in my own way to find my voice, before this canary is dead on the floor of her cage.

Friday night

You know, sometimes life gives you a really good idea about people: in specific and in general.

Bad week for running, but good week for introspection. Although I do need to mention I scored the most amazing goal in my soccer game this week, which was only overshadowed by some less than stellar defensive moves. Anyway, I really want to get back in the running groove, because my lack of endurance is translating to not kicking buttocks on the field.

In the work world...I turned down the driver's ed position. Too much unpaid investment, especially when the kids are still so young. Tutoring thing coming on, feeling obligated, not excited. But things at Juniper are looking up, so I am happy about that, because I like it there, and I finally feel a part of something.

My final thoughts are of the political. I am horribly disappointed in the legislature. I feel like it is my generations' time to step up and change things. We need to fire them all. The healthcare issue is just a litmus test of how ignorant everyone is. I am only encouraged by the disapproval rate, but what does that really mean?

Oh, and my really final thoughts are of my writing project. I am pretty stoked about it. I need to schedule it in on a regular basis, like running.

And then there is love... I am discovering all kinds of love, and also the meaning of friendship in concert with how alone I am in the world.

Heavy thoughts for a Friday night.

Hollyj

Quickie

Yes it was.
Yes it is.
No running of late. Ran Sunday, Tuesday, Soccer last Thursday, but no running since.
Work stuff in flux.
Friendship with ex???
New venture in writing.
Let's get through the week and see what happens.
Government shut down.
Are we all going mad?

Hollyj

ps. No Les Mis

A lot going on here.

Well, first of all the running. I went the three mile distance again today and then on a walkabout. It is a good thing. I need to wear  myself out apparently. (The sleep meds I'm using only last four hours, so guess when I wake up? Four hours after taking it.) I think I have slept better on the nights I run or play soccer. Anyway, it was wind and rain and a good playlist. I was slow, but still happy that I followed through. So, I think I'll walk up the butte tomorrow and run on Tuesday. Then we'll see how I feel.

Speaking of soccer. We barely lost on Thursday. One of our lovely strikers, who is probably at least 15 years younger, was so positive. "It's only our second game!" she said. I really need to stop taking things so personally. But I also want to be more effective, because who knows how much longer I can play?   Sidenote: I had a secret fan present. Interesting.

Work is...um...well, it is work. Can't say much at this juncture, but I am hoping and praying and putting some real energy into what could be a positive change. It's very hard to want something badly and know it probably won't happen. But if you never try for what you really want, then I think you have already lost. I am a black hole optimist.

The rest...
Still sorting through all my life, physically, mentally, emotionally. Love is challenging, no matter what shape or form it comes in. Defining friendship has been difficult lately. Setting boundaries can cost you.  But if a person does not respect them, then what kind of friend is that?

One last thing:
I have not touched my instruments (musical ones, stay with me here) for weeks. It was painful to even listen to music for a while, because it touches me so deeply. I hope I can get to the point where it comes back for me. There is a great musical coming up that I would like to audition for, but it calls for a major commitment and it would probably mean I can't go on river trips, which may not be an option anyway. I have a few weeks to decide.

ps. have 5 baby kittens to raise for the next month or so. The mama is here though, so its easy and good to help another bunch of little fuzzy beings.

Hollyj

One little step for Holly, one giant leap for...space

I went running today.

Finally.

My knee is sore, because I am so out of shape that the muscles are letting the bones wander a bit. But I did it. Current plan is to get at least a brisk walk in tomorrow, play soccer on Thursday, and then depending on how I feel, run again Friday or Saturday. Maybe even some weights, as one friend suggested.

Soccer went well. We did not win, but for our first game, it was ok. We had a nice comeback in the 2nd half. I have to play with more confidence. I like that team. I want to earn my keep and not play like an old lady.

Other than that, things are pretty much the same. Job is still a bit frustrating with more changes to come. And I think I better start being Mary Sunshine, or people will get sick of my diatribe about needing hours, benefits, etc. I plan to make banana bread on Thursday night to cheer everyone up on Friday.

A sad thing has been happening the past week or so. I have realized that I don't really have many friends that don't want/expect anything from me. How did it end up this way? I feel cranky about it. I hate saying "no", but otherwise, I compromise myself.

Still making changes. The house is in disarray. I really want to just start pitching things in the garbage, but I don't want to be completely irresponsible. I just need clean, clear space in my life.
I need one of those clutter nazis to shove me around and force me to let it go. Let all the clutter go. Create space in my mind.

That's all for now. Tomorrow is an early day. Maybe I'll walk the butte before school!!

Prayers, thoughts and meditations are always welcome.

Hollyj

Hollyj 3.0

Wow.
Today is my oldest son's 24th birthday. He is entering his 25th year. Mind blown. Somehow his early twenties are all but gone. I am really so proud of him. Despite the slings and arrows that life has thrown at him, he carries on, one foot in front of the other, better than his mother most days. He is smart and funny and just a very likable person.

I had a bit of a bottoming out yesterday, and I am not certain why. Obviously, there is a lot on my plate right now with the new school year, the changes in schedule, the relationship status, the demanding ex-husband, and my determination to really make some changes in how I approach life and all of my relationships. But after the emotions subsided, I became aware of my inability to handle frustration, and the ways I continue to seek escape.

School is so different this year, and I am trying not to focus on the things I don't like, but it is hard. I wish they would just hire me full time. I am praying for it. What a gift that would be. But, it would take a small miracle, I'm sure.

I start soccer on Thursday. I am SO out of shape. I have a race I want to do on 10/19 though, so maybe I will finally get motivated. I need to remember when I started this blog that I was 20+ lbs. heavier and still managed to slog through the miles. Where did that girl go? I hope to find her soon. Actually I hope to find an even better version of her. An update, maybe a new Operating System?

Happy Birthday my firstborn. I remember when I first held you, you just stared into my eyes. I held you all night long. I didn't sleep a wink.

Hollyj

Cleaning house

Still not running.

I seem to be going through a clearing out process. The shed, the bedrooms, cleaning carpets, etc. A ton of purging going on here; a desire to wipe things clean and emerge with less clutter in my home and in my mind.

But let's be clear: it is not a perfect process. There are still weeds growing in the yard. I have little piles of things I cannot decide what I should do about. I have lists of projects and hopes and dreams that I don't act upon on a daily or even a weekly basis. I want to be not just better, but to transform into who I should have been all along. I have an urge to show love and compassion, but not letting anyone run me over anymore. Also, I wish to do no more harm.

Time passes by. I worry that it is all still slipping through my fingers. I want to change the world somehow, I want to be a good parent, a good person. I stumble so much as I try to move forward. It is difficult not to lose faith.

One thing has proven to be clear. People do care. People will reach out to every corner if you only ask. You don't have to do anything but ask. And somehow, they believe in you, even when you don't believe in yourself.

Hollyj

Pulling Taffy

No progress in running, and I am feeling SO incredibly fat, that I have to do it tomorrow or I may just jump off the highest place I can haul my body to (jk). But really, it's disgusting. I am going to need to stop this pity party and get on with my life.

These past 9 days have been just a lot of gut wrenching, soul searching kind of stuff that breaks a person down.

In addition, I started work on Wednesday, and with the addition of my son going to middle school, it has been like I am in a taffy pull, stretched out to the max. My day now starts at about 6:30 and keeps rolling until they go off to bed. I know that's just life. I didn't realize how easy i had it. However, if I did not have other stressors right now, I probably wouldn't be whining.

So, as I was whining, a friend asked me to write 15 things I am thankful for:

1. I am thankful that my kids are happy and healthy and that they love me, and they know I love them.
2. I am thankful to have a nice home to live in.
3. I am thankful to have a job that I usually enjoy.
4. I am thankful for my extended family who care about me.
5. I am thankful for my friends who support me unconditionally.
6. I am thankful to have a sound mind and body (for the most part).
7. I am thankful for the new realizations I have had and the path that I have been following.
8. I am thankful to have an education.
9. I am thankful to live in a beautiful place.
10. I am thankful for the freedoms that I enjoy.
11. I am thankful for yummy food.
12. I am thankful for laughter.
13. I am thankful for the many luxuries I enjoy.
14. I am thankful for those who don't really know me but are friendly and kind.
15. I am thankful for music.

I could go on, but right now I have things to do. I have to move forward.

I'll check in tomorrow and let you know if I went running. If I can get to sleep tonight that will be key. I have a wake up call at 10am, so perhaps that will motivate this lazy butt.

Hollyj

Friends

Need a definition for friend.

So, still not running, just to totally take away from the whole title of this blog. Ugh. I did go on a hike today, so that is a little progress. Green trees, waterfall, you get the picture.

So, who are your friends? Do they love you, tempt you, are tempted by you, lose tolerance for you, build you up, break you down, disappoint you, or vice versa?

Do you need them, want them, use them?

Do they inspire change, do they give you comfort? Do they make you laugh, make you angry, make you cry?

I am not sure if I am burning or building bridges. I am not yet happy with myself, but i think I will lose someone in the bargain.

Hollyj

Rock Bottom

Trust is a difficult thing. Understatement?

I have slept most of the past two days. I guess I needed it. I have been processing a bit, not running yet. I hope for tomorrow. My hope for tomorrow is that I don't worry about what I can't control, that I get myself organized for the week, and that I keep working on that whole idea of being at peace with my circumstances. Oh, also that I finally start running again.

I need to believe in myself more. I need to take more good chances. I need to put myself out there in the world while I still have time left. I need to tell the people that I love, that I love them more often. I need to be able to experience all of my feelings and not snuff them out in one way or another.

I feel that knot of fear in my stomach already. But I have no right to. I have come through harder things. Why am I so vulnerable at times? Why do I forget that even some of my best friends struggle with much worse loneliness? Am I that selfish?

I am still so impacted by this quote from JK Rowling:
"I was set free because my greatest fear had been realized, and I still had a daughter who I adored, and I had an old typewriter and a big idea. And so rock bottom became a solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life."

So here we go. Will I start to build on the foundation?

Hollyj

Homeward Bound

I am at the end of the trip. Tomorrow I have to pack everything up and head home.

Top five things on my mind:

1. I feel bloated and icky.
2. I will probably see my mother tomorrow.
3. I have to drive about 5.5 hours to get home.
4. When i get back I will have to drop off the kids and I will face the alone.
5. When I get back I will have a pile of dirty clothes and other stuff to deal with.

This is the song that is playing through my head. It is not a new one, but hey, once more, with feeling!

Well so here I am at the end of the road
Where do I go from here?
I always figured it would be like this
Still nothing seems to be quite clear

All the words have been spoken and the prophecy fulfilled
But I just can't decide where to go
Yes, it's been quite a day and I should go to sleep
But tomorrow I will wake up and I'll know

That I've got to begin again
Though I don't know how start
Yes, I've got to begin again
And it's hard

Well it's been quite a while since I lifted my head
And I'm sure the light will hurt my eyes
I see the way that I been spendin' my days
And reality has caught me by surprise

I was dreamin' of tomorrow so I sacrificed today
And it sure was a grand waste of time
And despite all the truth that's been thrown in my face
I just can't get you out of my mind

That I've got to begin again
Though I don't know how start
Yes, I've got to begin again
And it's hard


Big Big Breaths tomorrow.


Hollyj

Harry and Sally

In the movie "When Harry Met Sally" there is a scene where the main characters are talking about their recent break-ups of long term relationships.
(Paraphrasing)

Harry: Dont you miss him?
Sally: No, I really don't, and the more that I think about it, the more I am convinced that I did the right thing.
You know what I think? I think i miss the idea of him.

Harry: Maybe I miss the idea of Helen....(sighs) No, I miss the whole Helen.


I know for the time being, the pressure is lifted. I am not walking around the house, driving down the street, being reminded every moment. Returning home tomorrow is going to be gut wrenching. I thought for a few moments that maybe I just miss the idea of him. But, I miss everything.

One more day.

Hollyj

surprise

Today was a better day. And be prepared. I may not write about running for awhile. I have bigger fish to fry.

Wow. So much to tell. First of all, people will surprise you. And a random statement by a relative led me back to some things I had not thought about for years.

But first, I surprised myself by totally handing things well and getting to the coast. I love being with my favorite cousin and godchild. He is so great and both Ethan and Ellie love entertaining him, which is really beyond what I imagined. And my kids handled everything well. Just hope Ethan does not vomit again!!

I was surprised tonight by many interactions, and while I am usually a fairly private person, I feel there is a story to be told.

When I was about 6 years old, my father "kidnapped" me, meaning he kept me beyond his legal visitation period. Many things happened then, my mother had just been abandoned by my stepfather, investigations were done and then pushed aside for the family's sake, but the end result was that I was sent off to live in Denver with my mother's older sister's family, who I did not really know at all.

And here is a story that should be told. Because as I wade through the depths of my insecurity, I realize that before that I had already been shipped off to my great aunt and uncle in Seattle and then to my grandparents before they decided that a year in Denver would be the best solution. The solution solved a problem they did not know how to handle. But I did not understand much of it at all. I was alone in a new place, with a new family, where I didn't have any idea of the rules. I was introduced to the church congregation as if I was an orphan. What other explanation could there be?

What I realized is that I wait for and/or create the situation in which I will be the cast--the orphan. I take a horrible pride in surviving these things. The problem is, I continue to create the abandonment.

There. One small step.

See you tomorrow.

Thanks to my best family members for saving me.

Hollyj

One day at a time

Hey friends.

***Actually written late night on August 20, exactly one month from my last post***

Since retuning from the river, nothing but a gut wrenching roller coaster. Have not been able to write or really run. But I have to start somewhere...

I am back by popular demand. Unfortunately I am doing this on my phone because the wifi password is unknown. Hopefully tomorrow I will have better access.

I'm not going to write much except to say that I am really struggling with many things right now. Heartbroken and filled with self loathing. Say a prayer. Say more than one if you can.

Last time I slept in this bed, I was on my way to Texas. Tonight that memory is crushing. I really hope I can sleep. The night stretches out long before me.

If this is my bottom, I am ready to move up and out.
Peace.

Hollyj


8/21/13

ps. Finally got on the wifi. Headed out with the family. Slept horribly last night. up until 4am, tortured dreams, up at 8:30.

I will need to take a lot of deep breaths today.

How long is long enough?

I am still alive.

The boating trip was fun. I had one little swim which left me cold all day, but other than that, seamless. Beautiful weather, great company, good food. It is always difficult to return to real life. And also, it's over for another year, and that's if I am lucky enough to remain part of the group. So, it is a long sigh of days following. Probably why I have not written. Hard to say it's over.

Anyhow...Went running on Friday. Notice it took me three days to do that? Ugh. Guess what? I am still out of shape. I am hoping to drag myself out of bed early tomorrow and get a run in in the relative cool. In case you are somewhere under a really cool rock, there is a heat wave going on. It is hard to get up early enough to where it is tolerable. I really want to try a 10k in Sept., so I better get my butt in gear.

In other parts of my life, I think change is coming or has happened. I am choosing to believe it is all for the better. My ex is remarrying. Not that I was surprised, but suddenly everyone is acting SO much nicer, so I am opening myself up to the possibilities of the positive. In addition, my beloved has a crazy work schedule that leaves me way too much time to think. I am swallowing great lumps of the "new normal".

As an almost 45-year-old single mother of four, who is under-employed and living from month to month, I am doing okay. My health situation is still unresolved, but I am coping. I need to take better care of myself, and have resolved to stop drinking the bad liquids (pepsi, coffee, alcohol)inspired by love. Never? No, not never. Just upon occasion, only as a special treat. Although I did buy some decaf coffee, as a compromise. I should add that the other factor was the recent FDA indictment on Pepsi in regard to cancer. Stomach cancer was one of the listed. Got my attention. If the FDA is willing to go there, it must be bad.

That brings to light the issue of dependency. The things I am dependent on and the cost attached. Do I want to have my stomach re-sectioned, or die because I really need a tasty beverage?

So, I will work on being in-dependent of the things that bring about my demise.

One day last week, I was floating down the river saying a prayer that I live long enough. So think about that for awhile. How long is long enough? That's my new mantra.

Hollyj

You may be right...

Blerg.

Finally went running. And boy, did my body let me know that I have been a sloth this past two weeks. It wasn't even the slight amount of heat. It was my lack of endurance and muscle replaced by flab. ICK.

And now I need to get ready for this next river trip. I just want to wave a magic wand and have it all be done and ready. I also would like to spend some time with my kids before I leave that is not just hanging around the house. Maybe we'll hang by the river tonight after dinner...

I have been back to self-soothing lately, and obviously not the healthy kind, or I would be running more. Zoning out, eating junk, not taking care of myself.

Did not get my invasive species permit which may turn out to be a burden on others, and I am pretty pissed at myself for that. I thought I could just get it online. Anyway, since I need to figure that out, I better get to work.

So, maybe I'll check in before I go, depending on how effective I am in the next three days. Hmmmm.


I need a new July mantra.

I never promised you a rose garden.

Hollyj

Power and industry

Just a quick post before I spend my last few hours with the kiddos. I did not realize until last night that I don't have them for the weekend. I am mostly bummed because I would have spent our time this week differently. Sigh. Plus I can't believe I did not see it on the calendar. I agreed to the schedule a couple of months ago, and I just forgot. Too much going on the last couple of weeks.

Went running yesterday---sort of. Tried to go to the track, but the doors were locked. So I tried to convince Ellie to run around the baseball field with me. She was non-plussed. Too hot, she said. Today will be in the 90s. I was going to run early today, but I banged my right knee badly on the river, and it hurt to run yesterday, so I am going to try for tomorrow morning early, before the heat comes on. Been waking so early anyway, might as well get the day started.

I am really out to sea lately. I feel adrift. I have some challenges I need to take hold of, and now I guess I have the time on my hands to accomplish them.

Right now I need to be with my little ones.

Send me thoughts of power and industry.

Hollyj

Diagnosis: Whatever

Wow.
Been gone a while: two back to back trips. A lot of time in the car. A lot of time with the relationship. Maybe too much time. The more you get to know someone, the more you show of yourself, it makes you think. Well, it should, or I guess then you are just in it for the benefits? And if that's the case, I guess you're a sociopath. (I am joking here, of course.) However, all's well that ends well. We still seem to like each other. My house is still here. Now I will start the rest of the summer with the kiddos.

I have not run since the day we left--10 days. Don't know if I will run today. I am feeling that post-trip, bad weather, sort of feeling. I am tired but still woke up at 7:30 this morning. Too much on my mind. Cats barfing, whip cream exploding, bills need paying, weeds need pulling. ICK. Oh, and I have a huge zit. Plus I am really low on money. Double ICK. Supposed to get paid in three days.

Here's the bottom line. Most people go around thinking (myself included) that we are soooooo deep, complex, dark. That no one really understands. I am calling bull&^$# on that. It is pretty easy to see the games people play. It takes one to know one. It probably takes one to love one, too. Anyway, I am not going to let myself be dragged down by it anymore. Whether or not we understand each other at any given moment is just a perception, and one that usually fades with time. So be kind. Love. Forgive. Take a deep breath.

(That's what she says but sometimes she forgets.)

Whatever. Say a little prayer that I go running today. It would be good for me.

Hollyj

Graduation

Today was better. I went running. But it took every ounce of strength I had at the moment. In fact, I had the same reaction I had a while back when I got chills directly after and had to crawl in bed to get warm. It wasn't cold outside or anything. I wonder if it has to do with the health issues... Anyway, I ran. After I rested, took a shower and ate dinner I felt better, and was eventually able to do some of the things I wanted to do for the last day of school tomorrow.

This morning, my son 'graduated' from elementary school. He has grown so much. I am extremely proud of him. I am more comfortable with the things that he will confront in middle school. But that does not mean I will not worry about and heavily advocate for him. Middle schools are the jungle of childhood. He wrote his teacher this amazing letter to say goodbye. It made my heart swell, and it made my heart break a little. But he was so expressive. The letter said what I could only hope and dream for as a parent. I am still reeling. I honestly wanted to photocopy it, so I could remember this moment. My kids. How is it that I can love someone so much? You hear about it all the time before you become a parent. Then you become one, and your heart changes immeasurably.

My job situation is strange. And it seemed so hopeful, and now I feel so lost. It could be worse, so I try to remain in the positive, and hope that the connections I made were worth the sacrifice of money I could have made subbing. I may never know.

My relationship? I still never really know. And now I start to question why I continue to connect myself to people who are emotionally disconnected? Or is it a chicken and egg thing, where I push them so far away, because that is my comfort zone---if you go the Freudian direction, that is true. All in all, I am still trying to figure it all out. I feel older every day, and time passes. Who knows how much longer any of us has?

The next weeks are very busy. I am asking a lot from everyone, myself included, but really more from others. I pray for insight and patience.

That's what she says, but sometimes she forgets.

Tremors

Just a quick minute to say that I am exhausted. I slept last night, but my dreams were tortured. I woke up feeling achey and awful and moody.

I should run today, but I can't get it together. I came home from work and just cried. It is so difficult to want something so badly. So badly that you want to train yourself not to want it anymore so that you can stop feeling the horrible emptiness, longing, sadness. That you are just waiting for that inevitable shoe to drop. You go to work. You paste on a smile.

When I am nervous or upset, my hands start to shake. I can hardly type today because of the tremors.

I suppose I should use the power of positive thinking, that I should "actualize" myself into being the person who gets what she wants. And I usually do. But today, the 10th of June, I am struggling with that.

And you know my hormones are probably bouncing everywhere right now, so my coping skills are not sharp.

I'm going to go and get some things done now that will help me to progress.

So again I ask for a prayer.


And I will repeat my mantra and believe that tomorrow will be a better day.
"That's what she says, but sometimes she forgets."

Most boring post of 2013

Ran Thursday morning. Ran this morning. Feeling good about that.

It seems is all around me good things are happening, people getting jobs applied for, accepted into schools they have been waiting on.

Me? Still alive and kicking.

Going to read a book about people suffering in Haiti.

That is all.

Hollyj

Wednesday

Holy Moses.
What a day.
No running involved. I had an epiphany to rearrange all schedules, due to the heat and other factors. So I will run Thursday and Saturday mornings instead of today and Friday, because that is just insanity. Plus went swimming with my kids, which exhausts me anyway.

Boyfriend has been offered a new job. Don't know how it will impact things like river trips, seeing each other at all. But why should it be easy now????? I can't plague my body with worry anymore, I can't buy into the negative. But, it is so habitual, it is difficult to resist.

My co-worker got the library job, which is great for her. I am genuinely happy for her. She is well prepared. Does this mean I will be able to get a job in her position? This is not a certainty. But, it brings more possibility than someone being hired from outside. So, I will wait and see.

Then another co-worker was hit by a car today. And I just keep thinking, what if she had been really hurt? Our lives just hang by a thread. I barely know her, and I would have been devastated. Her family, everything they have...

My heart aches tonight, and I want to turn it off like a light switch.

And, when I stick to what is right and what is real, I see so clearly.

Good night. Please say a prayer. It is going to be a rough week for me. I must remember my strength.





Now she keeps it locked away, and it grows colder every day...

That's what she says, but sometimes she forgets
Don't you dare give up, cause sometimes, she forgets




Hollyj

Just might get some sleep tonight...

Well.

All things being said, I am holding steady. I have not run quite as much as I planned, but still keeping on. The weather is getting warmer, so I will have to start running earlier. (HA!) I am not a morning person. At any rate, today was not horrible. It was only in the mid-70s. but I had already been outside for recess and field day, which was about three hours straight. And I got a little sunburned, because I somehow forgot about sunblock. Probably a bit dehydrated as well. whatever. But, I went running. And the Grateful Dead "A Friend of the Devil" was playing... But, I did run. And I was glad.

Got me to thinking about so many things. So many times that I have let myself be tempted. What form does temptation take for you? I think I have entertained them all at one time or another, most vices that can drag you down. But when I look back on these past few years I see so much strength. I have had bad days, don't get me wrong. But I have had so many good days lately. Even when they don't feel good, I have risen to the occasion. I thank all of those whose kind words have encouraged me to let go of the things that hold me back.

So, to end the story about the talent show, it went well. I won't go into the details of the day because I am in recovery from my addiction to drama. She sang. I played. I felt good. She did too. There was no support from her father toward me, but I didn't expect it. See how I stopped expecting?!! I returned them at the normal drop off time, and my little girl was waiting for me at recess today, like usual. What else is there in the world? Oh, I know, many things. But, my kids get me out of bed in the morning. And keep me from driving off into the Crooked River Canyon.

What else? Many trips coming up. Work situation still in flux. Relationship is intact. Better, I think(?), but I am hesitant to place any bets at this point. Plus, I am not a gambler.

Repeat the mantra: That's what she says, but sometimes, she forgets.

Hollyj

Four Miles

So...I did not go running yesterday or the day before. I had plenty of time, and the weather was much better. But I NEED to go today. Ugh. I knew I would regret it. Too much letting my mind go. To much reversion back to that place where I feel powerless.

Hey! (Time has passed) I DID go running today. FOUR miles in fact. I don't remember when I last ran four miles. Getting three runs in is going to be tricky. Because that means Thursday and Saturday at this point. Can I do it Thursday morning? And Saturday is unpredictable, but I could possibly run in Portland! Anyway, I am trying hard to keep my motivation high.

The things I am bothered by are still mostly the products of my own thought process. Feel like my relationship is more friends with benefits lately. And I am not completely certain where that is coming from because the messages are so mixed. And I can't confront it right now, because I have other things that are more pressing.

The father of my children continues to be blind in terms of his complete and total arrogance. I have worked with my daughter for nearly six weeks on this performance that will occur on Friday, and his response has been to throw money at it and then "can I take the kids home after school on Friday?" Because after all my hard work, convincing her of a good song to sing, to let me play piano instead of trying to excerpt two minutes from a You Tube karaoke track---when the wifi is at best undependable---and all the other things that happened that only went right because I am there working at that school, where she is, because I am so lazy to work only 4 hours a day. No, you will not take them home from school. I will take them to a place where we will consume candy or ice cream or whatever we can, to totally ruin their dinner when I bring them back to you.

Yeah, that is not very altruistic. But then, I am flawed, and I am tired of his load of...

Plus. It's our celebration. And that is all.

I need to be strong for the next three days. Very strong.

Pray. Light a candle. Keep me in your thoughts.

Thanks.

Hollyj

Sometimes she forgets

Just a quick note to practice writing.

Not going to run today, not ready for two days in a row yet, and my joints are telling me. Tomorrow. Three miles.

Still a busy day. Out and about with the children and then still tackling the clutter. The kids have been with me almost every weekend of this month---and half of the one they were with their father. When they are here it seems not a lot gets done, even when I employ their help. But then there are also things to do and places to go. Time spent playing games, singing, laughing.

I am still physically struggling a bit. Can't seem to sleep enough and tired by the afternoon. But maybe I just need more time.

Mentally, I feel encouraged. I am practicing stepping away from the things that make me fearful. And I am not expecting. Expectation is just a set up for disappointment.

I know: "That's what she says, but sometimes, she forgets."

My new mantra.

Hollyj

I'm Awake!

I am quoting my youngest son. Once when he was about two or so, he bounded into my bedroom with this proclamation. "I'm Awake!" It came to mind because I did have an awakening of some kind. A paragraph I found that was meant for me. Truth that I needed to hear. That is how I feel right now. I can assign it to many things, but maybe sometimes you just decide that you have caused yourself enough pain.

So, I went running THREE TIMES this week. I cannot remember the last time I ran three times in a week. I have to realize how important some things are. Running is one of them. That third run was a little achey, but I felt good. I was happy to be able to run.

Music and writing are the others that I have let go, as evidenced by the fact I have not written here in nearly a month. I have seen you are checking on me. Thanks. It is good to know someone is looking for me.

And I have stopped playing indoor soccer. I think I lost heart after my sweetheart lost another ACL and the team fell apart piece by piece. Someone even quit because the keeper yelled at her. Really???

Now is the time of the job-applying, the interviews, the waiting and wondering and postulation. Happily it is also the time of school ending and summer beginning. Road trips and boating and camping. I want time to stretch out slowly from now until September. I want to savor every moment and not waste time. I want to purge all of the useless clutter from my life.

I have had a ton of good this past week. I want to remember that when the week does not go so well, that my state of mind is still within my control.

See you soon.

Hollyj

All you need is love...and health insurance

Haven't been running. Too tired. Can't seem to handle much of anything. I get myself up for soccer, because others are counting on me and we never have subs. But I know I'm not playing well. I just can't. I am in pain.

Medical issues. One possible diagnosis, then another, then other things which may or may not relate. And money. And work. And other stresses that I have no control over. I am so tired.

I have many blessings. Many people who care, and I know I am loved. Thank you to my partner who has done so much and continues to do more. I love you dearly. You have changed my life. Thanks to my family for supporting me when I need it. Thanks to my other close friends who listen and worry and offer help.

Sometimes, whether you believe or not, you just need prayers, positive thoughts.

And if this is a wake-up call, I am listening.

HollyJ

Monkeys

It has been a long time my friends, three weeks or so. My running is still at once or twice a week, but I am playing soccer 2x/week, and I have been justifying this, but let's be real. It seems if I don't run more like 2-3 times per week, then I gain weight. No that much, but that kind of weight that tells you your muscles are smaller and your fat deposits are bigger. I am thinking maybe of quitting soccer for the time being and getting back to the running part of things. Not that any of that is super important, but I like to feel strong, light and powerful.

The fly in the ointment: I have not been feeling well. Tummy troubles I think. So, when I have gone running, I feel quite a bit of fatigue. Is that because I have not been running consistently or because I am sick? Don't know, but apparently they are putting tubes in me with the cameras attached. Should I post the film? :)
No coffee, no Pepsi, no alcohol. I think I have become a rather morose person because of this.

Oh, and my car broke down a little over a week ago. Yeah. Wondering about whether this is karma for a past life or my current one.

Hiring season is here, and I just feel a lack of motivation to do what needs to be done and put myself on that hamster wheel again, so I can go to interviews for jobs that have already been filled.

Then there is the Boston Marathon. I don't pretend to understand people, not really. But if you are a runner then you know how much that moment meant to those people, and more importantly, how those that lost limbs and lives, and how their families must feel. It is way beyond my understanding.

To say the least, It has been rough the last week or more.

And I am just now seeing the truth of what my relationship is. I have to decide whether to assign meaning, and what exactly is important, and get rid of the monkey that is on my back, no matter what.

Carry on,

Holly

And then...

It is very interesting to me to look at the gauge and see when people are checking in. Don't think I don't notice. But hey, it is a blog after all, so if you know who I am, then I guess certain moments may become more interesting than others. Okay, enough vague references.

We all survived spring break. I had a good time with the little ones. We did Oaks Park, the Portland Aquarium, Powell's Books :) and then went down to Salem to see the big boys and explore the children's museum. We spent a ton of time in the hotel pool and jacuzzi. We got an upgrade--with a discount--in our room, as I could not get wifi (horror) and the bathtub was clogged. It was kind of funny to tell the kids at bedtime,"Pick up everything and throw it into the car, we're moving." Did not faze them a bit. But they are really cool kids, so why am I surprised?

The weather in Salem was beautiful, and my friend Doug took me to a local park to run. It was the best run I have had in quite some time. At first the sun was out, partly cloudy, and as I was looping around the park, drinking the sea-level air, blissing out on music and my 44-year-old invulnerability, a double rainbow appeared in the sky. There was this father and his four sons playing soccer, a Lacrosse practice, people half my age struggling to make it up the negligible incline. I felt like I was master of the universe. Why can't runs always be that way?

Returned home and I was exhausted. Been having some health issues, but it was more than that. It was mental fatigue from doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I slept and slept and slept. I watched tv, I read a book. I did a few domestic tasks. Yesterday I finally ran again. It wasn't great. I am easily fatigued and aching. It hurts to type right now. My body is trying to tell me something. Don't have much control over it. And I have a friend who is MIA, which worries me.

There were a few bright spots: reconciliation and a night out with the girls, which gave me some renewal and affirmation.

And then, and then, and then...

Spring Break

I am marveling about how time has passed, and how much has happened since my last spring break.

Running has not been going well. I ran today and the last time was at least 10 days before, and before that...refer to the previous post. I have been playing soccer twice a week, which has improved my skill and given me a mental boost. I am really loving the two teams!!! However, i have also been sick for nearly two weeks. So far, I have made it to work, and only cancelled some tutoring.

I think I have just been stressed. I still struggle with my fears. I had to go through the process of having my child support reduced, because apparently 7400 is not enough for him, when I only make 700, with occasional $ from tutoring. I am not going to complain any more. It just does not make sense.

I finished my practicum. I need to nut up and investigate all the other details and update my application, before I miss out on something. I really want to stay at Juniper, though. I really love it there.

I turned down a part in a play, decided not to audition for one I had a ton of encouragement for, and the only one I was interested in, I am too young for. I thought so, but I still wanted it. I think it was more a lesson of what is important in my life right now. My children, my partner, my career. These things need to come first. And what has theater brought me? A few good friendships. However, a great deal of what constitutes immature, immoral behavior. I don't mean in any "religious" context. Just lies, betrayal, gossip. I may be done.

I am launching in to one of those long stretches with the children. It is a mix of joy and laughter and tolerance. But these are the days they will remember. And someday they won't want to go.

Time.

Hollyj

March On

I can hardly believe it is March.

These past 9 days have been jam-packed with my boyfriend's surgery, finishing my practicum, child sickness, battles with certain people who shall not be named. Okay, just one person. At any rate, I have persevered and even at a few moments where I felt pretty low, managed to rise to the occasion and be better. Some of it due to my new outlook on my relationships, but mostly due to the patience, kindness and forgiveness of my loved ones.

Running. Well, I did not run for almost 2 weeks until Sunday. It felt pretty awesome to run again. Why do I cave to the negative inertia??? But I have not run since. Played soccer hard for 22 minutes last night, and I think we may put together a good team, if we can. The coed team seems to be coming around as well. That makes me happy, but I still do want to get running into the mix more often.

The main issue I have been struggling with is acceptance. I want to travel back in time and make things perfect. I have to deal with the now and the future and uncertainty. I have to pull myself up - again - by the bootstraps and get it working again for myself. I know I can, I have just been in a cocoon of sorts.

So, since spring is coming, time to emerge and fly.

I love you.

hollyj

Listen

Today was an important day.

Actually, not just today. The last few days, since my whole rant about the questioning and wondering and all.

I read something that responded to my question(s). I have run across the root of this phrase before, but never thought of the application in the way I did today. In our lives, there are many 'roads not taken', but we only get to choose one path. That coupled with a soccer game, some time alone, a surgery, and a confession, humbled me to the core, and yet opened my mind to a different way of thinking.

No, not everything is solved. I won't wake up tomorrow and stroll down easy street, but I feel my peace and confidence returning in tiny little bits. I have stopped performing and started listening more. Have you ever thought about just listening and how important that is? Maybe you have. Then you are way ahead of me. Oh I took many counseling and psychology courses about "active listening", but you know that is just psycho-babble, and when you have people in your life that care for you, when they need someone to listen, you need to open your mind to the possibility that it is all they really need. Not your opinion, not how that happened to you once too, not some other baloney that you're already thinking of before they even finish their sentence. You just listen, and maybe think about how what they are telling you figures in the context of what you know about them, about their life, and the things that matter to them.

Whew.

I have much to do. In fact, I have more to say, but am going to cut it short and focus on finishing my work.

hollyj

Bird in a Cage

All this introspection, and still I want to smack myself in the head for the ground I have lost: as in "I thought I was smarter than that" or "why did I do that again" or "what is it I really want?"

No running at all this week, so no wonder I am feeling all twisted inside. I am getting something out of soccer. SO glad I did not take that part in the play. I would be so screwed right now.

I did randomly pick up this book "My Heart is an Idiot" by Davy Rothbart, the guy who published that "Found" magazine. pretty good read. Describes most of my relationships, so I guess I am not that special after all. :)

I cannot give up on the good things. And I really need to finish what I started. And I mean this week and for the next ten years (minimum).

Add and subtract.

I need to take better care of myself as the day wears on. That seems to be when I lose my resolve and sometimes my common sense.

As someone once pointed out: you need a routine.

Also, less escapism, more reality.

And now here comes this song. Thanks Pandora. But is it meaningful, or totally random and meaningless? That's how I feel about everything right now. What does it all mean? And why am I asking such a basic question? And what does it mean if I stop asking it? I've gotta learn what I am not and who I am??????

This world feel hopeless to me some days. Guns, fiscal cliffs, and just how no one seems to give a ___.

I am not depressed. I swear. I'm just the freaking canary in the coal mine. I am dying here.

hollyj

It's hard to say

Finally I figured out
But it took a long, long time
But now there's a turnabout
Maybe 'cause I'm trying

There's been times, I'm so confused
All my roads, They lead to you
I just can't turn and walk away

It's hard to say what it is I see in you
Wonder if I'll always be with you
But words can't say, And I can't do
Enough to prove,
It's all for you

I thought I'd seen it all
'Cause it's been a long, long time
But then we'll trip and fall
Wondering if I'm blind

There's been times, I'm so confused
All my roads, They lead to you
I just can't turn and walk away

It's hard to say what it is I see in you
Wonder if I'll always be with you
But words can't say, And I can't do
Enough to prove,
It's all for you

Rain comes pouring down
Falling from blue skies
Words without a sound
Coming from your eyes

Finally I figured out
But it took a long, long time
But now there's a turnabout
Maybe cause I'm trying

There's been times, I'm so confused
All my roads, They lead to you
I just can't turn and walk away

It's hard to say what it is I see in you
Wonder if I'll always be with you
But words can't say, And I can't do
Enough to prove,
It's all for you

It's hard to say
It's hard to say
It's all for you

magic and reality

It's currently 11:30 something and I should be sleeping, I guess. It's been nearly two weeks since my last post, so I thought I'd check in and relate the almost nothing and yet everything.

Running. Well, not going so well. Time health and stress complications. Still playing soccer.

My schooling is coming to a close, which is nice, but that also means I have to start paying back loans at some point. So. Energy needs to be spent in the direction of job finding and that sort of thing. Or else just keep taking courses, hahahaha.

My youngest son has had the worst virus/cough and I hate to be able to do nothing about it. It happens at least once per year, but it does not make it easier on anyone. But he is a trooper. I love that strength in him.

Loved one still waiting on surgery, but again, continues positive outlook.Good to have strong men in your life.

Valentines Day. Yeah, well, I did the best I could. My daughter is such a believer in all of these holidays. I don't want to be a curmudgeon, but I also want her to have realistic ideas about the Hallmark aspect of it all. Magic and reality: where do you draw the line?

Did not get to see my sons this weekend, as had been planned, but probably for the best as I slept most of the weekend due to my feelings of ill. Still, I have not seen them since the holidays, and I feel sad about it.

I did have a lovely day today. Thanks.

hollyj

Points to Ponder

I started out my Sunday morning eating oreos and drinking coffee in preparation for my soccer game. Yep. Actually, it was more like Sunday after noon. I had a rough week, I was despondent. Went to the game, and the one I love went down and stripped the heck out of his knee. I did not know what to do. I was heartbroken for him in so many ways I cannot describe. We had burgers and watched the SuperBowl. And I just remember thinking once again, how life turns on a dime.

I have been looking through all of my written materials, etc., for the past 13-14 months, looking for patterns, searching for answers. I have found some, but sure to discover more. I am about to work very hard on finishing my endorsement, might participate in some theater, hopefully live my life in a way that gives back all the love I am receiving.

My running has been minimal. I have played soccer twice a week, but really need to spend more time on the pavement. Can I do all of this? Should I?

hollyj

Personal growth. I hate that phrase. It' so new-agey, weird, and does not describe. How about that scene in Alien where the little monster bursts through the guy's stomach? That's transformation. Too bad for the guy, and I know we all think that critter is evil, but life is life. Life is change. Change is painful.

Am I making a point? I doubt it.

For the first time in my life, I cried while I was running today. Damn Ipod was on 'emotional suicide mix'. "Complicated"
Running on the sidewalk along Hwy. 20, just crying. kept on going. Let's give you my "random playlist"
She will Be Loved
Complicated
Break On Through
Breathe (Anna Nalick)
What I am is What I am
Rock Star
*nuther one I cant remember, but equally important

Anyway. My universal DJ is spot on.

Dissociation.

So, how does one combat this emotional evil? You have to be willing to be in the moment. AND. you also have to battle the irrational thoughts. Tapes that play in your head. I thought I had won that battle long ago. Turns out, when I was faced with something that threatened my emotional safety, I dusted off that relic. Gave it some power.

So, I do what I do best. Researched the hell out of it. Looked at all my words, reflected on my choices. Not all bad, but some important dodges and serious flights of negative fantasy.

All I can do is all i can do.

Closing Argument

Ladies and Gentleman of the Jury,

I am a tortured soul. Most of it of my own creation. This week, at work, we are doing a form of standardized testing. And if there were a week where I needed my wits about me, this would be it, because this matters to our program and to the school. In addition, I know that no matter what I look like shit, excuse my language. Can't eat, cant sleep. So while I administer these repetitive tests, I have to try and not think about my broken heart, and more importantly, the heart I have broken. I addition, I am trying to finally recognize and deal with the actual issue: trust.

Who do I really trust? Anyone? I don't think so. I think I doubt the motives of most everyone I know. How does that change? If it doesn't, I will eventually ruin all of my relationships. And when/why did it get to this point? I don't want to go back to the parental level, though I am sure that did not help. I did have at least one loving, amazing relationship. I almost had another. I want it back.

What I know I feel is that in the moment where someone is genuinely reaching out to me in friendship and love, I feel a physical dissociation. I realize intellectually it is a defense mechanism, but it disturbs me to such a degree that I am now convinced that I must make drastic changes.

Still playing soccer. My hope is to run tomorrow, and at least one other day. I hope next week will be better.

My kids have saved my life. Again. But I am afraid of what I will do to them if I don't change now.

A friend of the devil is a friend of mine...I just might get some sleep tonight.

I love you, you know I do. I just need some time. You have taught me so much and brought me to a crossroads. I will make the right choice or I will continue the same destructive behavior. We are connected in a way that I have never known.

hollyj

Stay tuned.

There will be a slight interruption in service while I ponder what I am supposed to be learning from the universe right now.

Only ran once last week. Played soccer yesterday. Hoping for better.

Bright side is my kids had an amazing weekend. I should get an Oscar for that really. At least I have another day to writhe in anger and frustration before I step back into supermom role for 3 days.

hollyj

Love and other stuff

I haven't been writing, but trust me I have been thinking. A lot.

For the running part, I have managed at least two or three runs a week, just keeping it around 3 miles, nuthin special. At this point I am just trying for the discipline; more the Zen of running than trying to break any records. There are no races soon, but I am very tempted to sign up for the Dirty Half Marathon. Though my attempts in the past have resulted in crushing my bones. Maybe 44 year old bones are better.

Also, as of last week I am playing soccer twice a week, so that counts for speed workouts. And boy, do I feel it the next day. I really need to stretch more. I had this amazing Swedish massage last month and to my surprise the tightest muscles were in my calves.

For the other parts, I am still struggling with child support, anticipating other financial issues, and hoping that I can just truly be happy and still be myself. I tend to sacrifice for others, and then, paradoxically have these moments of utter selfishness.

God grant me the serenity...

I love my job. I wish they would just bring me on full time and let me do my thing. These kids touch me so deeply. And the staff I work with are so kind and genuine. How was I ever so cynical? Sigh. Wasted time. Even during the surprise observations I had today, I felt: show love.

Now for the really cool: I became a Godmother this week. My most beloved baby cousin, Rashelle, gave birth to a son. She asked me to be the Godmother, and I still tear up when I think of it. God bless you, baby Leo. if your parents love you half as much as I have loved your Mama, you will be a happy boy.

All there is is love. The sooner you realize it, the happier you will be. Trust me.

hollyj

Change of Residence

I am a resident of Bad Mood City.

And all I can say is the person who I loved more than I have ever loved and gave everything to is now arguing over money, of which I have so little. And I am not an air my dirty laundry sort, but I don't understand why?

I have not run partially cause I caught a little stomach bug and then my mental state, and my need to be talked off the ledge.

Thank God for my friends.

Because I am all kinds of messed up, and yet I have done almost nothing stupid. Almost.

But honestly the idiotic thing I did....sigh.

In need of a large paradigm change...again...at 44.

Wish me luck.

hollyj

Maroon 5 Says it all for me today

"This Love"

I was so high I did not recognize
The fire burning in her eyes
The chaos that controlled my mind
Whispered goodbye and she got on a plane
Never to return again
But always in my heart

This love has taken its toll on me
She said Goodbye too many times before
And her heart is breaking in front of me
I have no choice cause I won't say goodbye anymore

I tried my best to feed her appetite
Keep her coming every night
So hard to keep her satisfied
Kept playing love like it was just a game
Pretending to feel the same
Then turn around and leave again

This love has taken its toll on me
She said Goodbye too many times before
And her heart is breaking in front of me
I have no choice cause I won't say goodbye anymore

I'll fix these broken things
Repair your broken wings
And make sure everything's alright
My pressure on your hips
Sinking my fingertips
Into every inch of you
Cause I know that's what you want me to do

This love has taken its toll on me
She said Goodbye too many times before
And her heart is breaking in front of me
I have no choice cause I won't say goodbye anymore

This love has taken its toll on me
She said Goodbye too many times before
And my heart is breaking in front of me
She said Goodbye too many times before

This love has taken its toll on me
She said Goodbye too many times before
And her heart is breaking in front of me
I have no choice cause I won't say goodbye anymore...

3 Times is Charming

I ran three times this week!!!!! YAY ME.

This has not happened for awhile.

And it was freaking cold.

What else? I don't even know. It has been a long week. I miss my man. I have only gotten part way through laundry, house cleaning, bill paying, and catching up to all of the other stuff.

I really need to write that screenplay so I can pay off the debts and live off the royalties. So, there is one other goal to add to yesterday's list.

I had a great night with my kids. We had dinner, watched a movie, tried our "star seeds" and then read a chapter of our current book. And they still like hanging out with me, which I hope never ends.

Love is all there is.

hollyj

You Gotta Have Goals

Flippin' A !!!

I had 24 pageviews yesterday. What the heck?

Y'all are too shy. No comments or anything. Or maybe just one person making up for lost time. Whatever.

I did follow through on running yesterday. I actually felt good and powerful and there was a lot less ice. I did my second session of core work and push-ups as well. My abs are killing me. It even hurts to cough. I am not kidding.

This has been a long week. I am still not really back in real life. I am reminiscing about Texas and dreaming of what the future may hold. In addition it has been a couple of nights where old friends call to have long conversations about life and such. Not that I regret it. Just tired. Notice to old friends: we are old. We cannot stay up late and function well the next day.

My house is still a disaster. Apparently, I still have to raise children and go to the jobs and pay the bills and now run the soccer team, and the practicum and the other class that I had to suspend, and also still do that work on being a good person even when I feel grumpy and lonely and in need of a good cuddle and such.

Whine!!!

At any rate: (not in order of importance)

1. Finish degree and endorsement.
2. Prepare for half-marathon.
3. Improve upon relationships as needed.
4. Play/sing more music.
5. Make sure I get re-hired.
6. Have fun.
7. Love all the people I love a lot.
8. Change the world.

You gotta have goals.

hollyj

Happy New Year

Hello 2013.

I had not run for more than two weeks until yesterday. I hate to be a victim of what I call "pathetica", but my back aches, I am developing carpal tunnel, and I have very little motivation at all. Still, I did run yesterday and I will run tomorrow. Gotta get back in the swing. Oh, and I missed two soccer games. When's the last time that happened? I'll tell you when. When I nearly broke my foot in 2010.

So. Had my first "observation" for my practicum today. I was so nervous, and I have three more to go. Still I got through it, and believe it went well. I am learning a lot. I do love my job. I am lucky. Prayers welcome for my continued employment at Juniper.

And love. Love. I have learned so much and realized a new level of trust and friendship and love.

I did not see my little ones for almost 2 weeks. They looked like different kids when I saw them today. They grow so fast. I had the best Christmas ever with all four kids. I can't really express how wonderful it was.

I feel like I am finally headed in a good direction. I have so much positive.

More later, must sleep.

hollyj