Long Time No Post

Running: Better, not best. 

Diet: not great, though I blame the birthday.

Kids: Amazing

Other things: variable 

Writing: self -evident

Revelations: many. More to come when I get more sleep. Sometimes you grow in silence.

hollyj

Reality Adjustment

All is well and yet I am trudging through the depths of things also.

Running is better, but I am still not losing weight, which I don't know what to say... eating too much, beverage calories....I don't know? Not that I am huge, but I want to be back in all of my clothes, not just the generous ones.

Work is good. Kids are good. Quasi-relationship is good and sometimes worrisome. But I am a worrier. He does not seem to value my need to write to him on a near constant basis. But I am a writer. When I don't write I feel stoved up.

I am really tired tonight, so I don't know what more to say. I feel a disturbance in the force, to be frank. But I don't know if it because I am being manipulated or because I am torturing myself.

In need a serious reality adjustment.

Pray for me the next few days. I need it desperately.

hollyj

Letting Go

Today was a long day, a roller coaster type of day.

I had a training from 8 to 4, so I had to entrust my children---at school at at home--to others. I like to be in control of things, in case you have not noticed, or maybe you just don't know me that well. I went to the training. The instructor played "The Day the Music Died" near the end of the day. That was quite a moment. Being named after Buddy Holly and knowing every word in that song and being asked what it made me think of. It made me think about my father, and music and many other connected things in a new way. I actually enjoyed the training, but I was distracted all day. I am not entirely sure why. I just had an unsettled feeling.

Anyway, everything seemed to go well today, except the bleeding is crazy again. And there are some other complications that I don't want to go into detail about, other than to say that small towns are fraught with situations that leave you to make difficult choices, even about who can be your doctor. Frustrating.  I wish people would keep things to themselves. Especially professionals. I have higher standards. I don't share anything that would even potentially compromise anyone. I am pretty disappointed in a few people in the last few days. I guess I have to keep things close to my chest now. Sad, really, because I feel I have always been very respectful of confidential information shared with me, and the others in this situation just seem to think it is fodder for their gossip or whatever.

On to better things. Have confirmed 30 hours per week now. It will start on Monday. It's a huge foothold, and I need to focus on creating a path to what I really want. I think that the universe is giving me a hand up, and I better respond. There are many encouraging things.

Had a difficult moment with my daughter last night. It is hard to balance the love and discipline sometimes. I want to solve her problems, but I have to hold her accountable all the same. I also need to step up and have a real conversation with her father. We are adults. It has been six years. It is time to actually talk to each other face to face and start making a future for these kids. I am ready. I have finally let go of what I needed to. I am my own woman. It only took nearly 45 years.

The thing about letting go is that it is sad, because what you were holding on to had some meaning for you, became a part of who you are. But it is also freeing, because it opens up the space for you to be whoever you want to be, instead of the prison of definitions you were in; the frustrated ex-wife, the lonely single mother, the abused daughter, the unfulfilled dreamer. Whatever is holding you back, you have to let it go. Believe me, I have a lot of "let-go" on my list, but it seems easier and easier the more I let go. And, the space it has created is multidimensional. And it takes a great degree of courage and love and radical acceptance of what is. Also, if I haven't already said it, it does not feel good at first, but it does get better.

A quote from the Dalai Lama:

"Mentally, physically and emotionally we are the same. We each have the potential to good and bad and to be overcome by disturbing emotions such as anger, fear, hatred, suspicion and greed. These emotions can be the cause of many problems. On the other hand if you cultivate loving kindness, compassion and concern for others, there will be no room for anger, hatred and jealousy."

hollyj

What is is with you,Tuesday?

I had a nice couple of days there, in terms of... ah, nevermind. Illusions. Delusions. Who even knows? Moments. That's all we have sometimes.

Monday was not too brutal, but I was tired. I think my clotting condition is acting up again. Bleeding again. One zit is like a hemorrhage. Nosebleed. Ach. Slept SO much yesterday. Anemia?

Then, waiting to find out when my interview was going to happen. I was told it would be this morning, but then heard nothing. I did not want to be annoying, but finally called last night, after being prodded by a friend at 8:30pm. I got a response later that the interview was postponed until Wednesday. Today I learned it is scheduled for 9am tomorrow. What shall I wear? Seriously.

Today was a stumble of a day. Tired, cranky, and generally only looking forward to one thing that did not happen. Grumble. Reluctant manipulative student. Other stuff. Unknowns. Ick.

Still, I went running. My legs felt like lead, and now my back hurts like crazy. I am SO out of shape. Oh, I should do some core work. I know. Whatever.

Now I have a ton of stuff to to for the interview, the sub I need on Thursday for the training, the other crud that I have to do just to keep my sorry head above water.

Am I grumpy? Am I failing to appreciate the positive? Yes.

My daughter broke her tablet. I went off on her, in re, responsibility, blah, blah, blah. She cried. Sigh. Now I have to fix all of that. When will I stop having to fix things? On my deathbed, probably. Still. First world problems.

I hear about a local woman who died. She was shot in the head by her ex, and then he took off with her four year old child. Jesus Mary and Joseph.
A family member of mine; a young beautiful girl, celebrated her birthday today. The first without her longtime love, who was killed by a car this year. This world is so messed up. Where is love?

Tuesday, you kill me sometimes.

hollyj

WeekEnd

***Published in the wee hours of Monday

Okay,
So Friday Saturday Sunday Nonstop Kid Power. There were play dates and Fun Centers and Bowling and Pumpkin Patches and playing of music and meals and all sorts of stuff. Plus coughing daughter slept in my bed two of those nights due to extreme attachment to Mama. Yes, I changed the sheets today, don't get all in an uproar. I'm already feeling sick though...

Oh yeah I forgot to mention the digestive disorder that plagued me for three mornings in a row. Everything was going right through me. Scary. So glad I was not working. There would have been mad dashes to the restroom. Still feeling nausea, headache. Headache that will not leave, once again. Probably a tumor.  (jk)

Anyway, I was battling all of this and trying to work on projects of various kinds, getting out the sweaters, Halloween decorations, laundry and other general cleaning. Let's just say not a lot was accomplished.

Went to a movie with the un-boyfriend. I don't know what to say about any of that at this point. I know I have a bit of growing to do. I know how I feel. I know relationships are work.  Discussions about things, no change. Detente. I say a lot prayers for everyone. We all need it.

Went running today. Was initially crabby about it. Felt good during. Don't know if it hindered or helped my physical condition, but felt like crashing about 8pm. But then, I was probably hypoglycemic as I did not eat much today due to fear of earlier symptoms.

So tomorrow(later today) there is a run, like a social run. I felt twingey today, don't know if I should go. Also, I have to deal with this tutoring student, the driver's ed. issue, my state taxes and I think I double booked on Wednesday, but can't remember with whom. Short term memory is a bust.

Last comment: what is up with Google+ ? I don't get it. I don't like it thus far. Circles? I think I am being scammed.

Alrighty. I have to work in less than 8 hours. Monday is going to suck, unless I inherit some lion blood while I sleep.

hollyj

Feeling the Positive

Man,
I wore myself out today (Thurday---I am writing in the wee hours of Friday).
Got up early to get the boy to school. Then my girl was ready for her Mommy and Me day at 8 am. I usually have to wake her up at that time on a school day, but she was raring to go. So we went to breakfast, shuttled kittens for a checkup at the Humane Society, went to Goodwill and scored on some books, did a little necessary shopping (well, the Avril LaVigne CD was a little treat) and then ended at the library. More books, movies, and another AL CD on loan. Had just enough time to cash in on a free smoothie before the boy got home, then hanging out, dinner and a brutal soccer game. Played short for half the game, but I played well. I am happy about that. I really did my best.

The upside is that everyone had a good day. I spent time giving my kids what they needed. I spent at least 44 minutes not worrying about anything but soccer.

I currently have a dilemma about taking on another job as a driver's ed. instructor. Okay, y'all stop laughing now. I just don't think I can sacrifice 120 hours of my life to train for a job I might like, maybe. It's another obligation. The guy is a hard sell. He wants me there, wants to make it work. "We just really liked you. We think you will do a great job." Sure. Another person who is trying to draw on my people pleasing tendencies. ERGHH.

I need to take some time to think about all the things. I have to make the kids first priority and work out a schedule with their father, and hopefully communicate to him in some way that he understands that I don't wish to argue anymore. I am literally sick of it. If he is happy in his life, then why not choose to get along?????

Secondly, my career is at a point in which I have some things to pick and choose from, which may benefit me in a number of ways, but I cannot sacrifice my kids.

Finally, I have to engage in putting myself first when I have time to myself. The things that I love: writing, running, soccer, etc. and not be afraid to seek out people and places that support these positive things, instead of hiding in my little home-cave, feeling sorry for myself. I also thought of at least three different things I can do at work to be a positive force.

Feeling positive. Hope it sticks.

Hollyj

Hey,
Thanks to everyone who responded to my post yesterday. So many positive words, things to meditate upon and other such lovely love.

I woke up this morning, with strange dreams clouding my mind. The theme of which seems to be me not measuring up in some way. Varied locations, different characters, but all disapproving or causing me anxiety, making me feel like I don't measure up.

So, that is what my subconscious is feeding me.

Anyway, I have a ton of inspiration, and while today was no pinnacle of discipline, it was definitely a huge source of truth. There were things that I loved to hear, and then things that I did not really want to hear, though I knew before I heard them, they were true. But that is the way life is. Acceptance is the hardest part for the dreamers. We want it to be perfect and full of love. But sometimes, you get affirmation along with the brutal truth. It's real.

One story I totally forgot about and need to share. My daughter, who is 8, asked me as we were fooling around on the piano last week, if I knew the song "Imagine" (Actually, she quoted, "the one that goes 'imagine all the people'..."). I was initially stymied that she did not know that I had probably played that song in the car, at home, a gajillion times in the last 8+ years. But I said that I did know it. I plunked it out on the piano for her, feeling my way through the chords. We sang. I asked "Where did you hear it?" She replied,"I dunno, on the radio or something." One of the most important songs of all time. At 8, she seemed to really get it. This girl will break my heart over and over again. Glad to have her. And all of my kids wring me out---in a good way. Just wish I could do them justice. But, I haven't given up yet.


You may say I'm a dreamer
But i'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one

hollyj

Canary in the Coal Mine

For some reason, Sunday is just not a great day for me.

I was happy with Friday and Saturday. I kept myself busy: reading and writing, volunteered, went running (YAY) . But Sunday morning came and when a friend texted me for breakfast, I just rolled over and piled the blankets back on. Sorry friend, I just could not muster.

It was a beautiful day too. A day to go to the Fall Festival, to walk in the park, to enjoy the change of the leaves---where you can find them. But I just felt that empty sense of loss. The aching vacuum of depression that takes hold of me sometimes.

I finally left the house to have dinner, and ended up going to a movie, and I was even cranky about that. It did make me feel better to lose myself in the film. Thank you for that, friend. I would have stayed home and let myself drown (not literally, things aren't that bad, after all) if I had not made a promise.

I am growing so disappointed in humankind. As if the "kind" got erased. Like no one seems to care about anything important anymore. It's heartbreaking for a canary like me. By that I mean, the canary in the coal mine, the warning that the air is going bad.

I went through bouts of therapy years back, trying to puzzle out why things happened and what to do about them. One person told me,"You are sensitive. You are the canary. You probably always will be. But we need people like you in the world to tell us when the air is growing poisonous." Of course the only problem with this metaphor, I realized later, is that the canary dies.

I know this kind of thing is not unique to our era. People, for whatever reason, are awful to one another sometimes. People forget the Golden Rule, or choose to ignore the real implications. People don't personalize the suffering of others. I know practically that it's too overwhelming; that if you put your heart out there for every starving child, every school shooting, every dictator that massacres his own people, you would never get out of bed. If you thought about how corporations are in control and how little one person can do to change our lobbyist-ridden government, and how eventually money is all that matters.

I just hope and pray. And I am trying, in my own way to find my voice, before this canary is dead on the floor of her cage.

Friday night

You know, sometimes life gives you a really good idea about people: in specific and in general.

Bad week for running, but good week for introspection. Although I do need to mention I scored the most amazing goal in my soccer game this week, which was only overshadowed by some less than stellar defensive moves. Anyway, I really want to get back in the running groove, because my lack of endurance is translating to not kicking buttocks on the field.

In the work world...I turned down the driver's ed position. Too much unpaid investment, especially when the kids are still so young. Tutoring thing coming on, feeling obligated, not excited. But things at Juniper are looking up, so I am happy about that, because I like it there, and I finally feel a part of something.

My final thoughts are of the political. I am horribly disappointed in the legislature. I feel like it is my generations' time to step up and change things. We need to fire them all. The healthcare issue is just a litmus test of how ignorant everyone is. I am only encouraged by the disapproval rate, but what does that really mean?

Oh, and my really final thoughts are of my writing project. I am pretty stoked about it. I need to schedule it in on a regular basis, like running.

And then there is love... I am discovering all kinds of love, and also the meaning of friendship in concert with how alone I am in the world.

Heavy thoughts for a Friday night.

Hollyj

Quickie

Yes it was.
Yes it is.
No running of late. Ran Sunday, Tuesday, Soccer last Thursday, but no running since.
Work stuff in flux.
Friendship with ex???
New venture in writing.
Let's get through the week and see what happens.
Government shut down.
Are we all going mad?

Hollyj

ps. No Les Mis