Graduation

Today was better. I went running. But it took every ounce of strength I had at the moment. In fact, I had the same reaction I had a while back when I got chills directly after and had to crawl in bed to get warm. It wasn't cold outside or anything. I wonder if it has to do with the health issues... Anyway, I ran. After I rested, took a shower and ate dinner I felt better, and was eventually able to do some of the things I wanted to do for the last day of school tomorrow.

This morning, my son 'graduated' from elementary school. He has grown so much. I am extremely proud of him. I am more comfortable with the things that he will confront in middle school. But that does not mean I will not worry about and heavily advocate for him. Middle schools are the jungle of childhood. He wrote his teacher this amazing letter to say goodbye. It made my heart swell, and it made my heart break a little. But he was so expressive. The letter said what I could only hope and dream for as a parent. I am still reeling. I honestly wanted to photocopy it, so I could remember this moment. My kids. How is it that I can love someone so much? You hear about it all the time before you become a parent. Then you become one, and your heart changes immeasurably.

My job situation is strange. And it seemed so hopeful, and now I feel so lost. It could be worse, so I try to remain in the positive, and hope that the connections I made were worth the sacrifice of money I could have made subbing. I may never know.

My relationship? I still never really know. And now I start to question why I continue to connect myself to people who are emotionally disconnected? Or is it a chicken and egg thing, where I push them so far away, because that is my comfort zone---if you go the Freudian direction, that is true. All in all, I am still trying to figure it all out. I feel older every day, and time passes. Who knows how much longer any of us has?

The next weeks are very busy. I am asking a lot from everyone, myself included, but really more from others. I pray for insight and patience.

That's what she says, but sometimes she forgets.