Academic Vacation

I don't have homework this week, so I have spent my time reading The Marriage Plot by Jeffrey Eugenides. It was a great book. I was obsessed. I wish he had taken more time with the literary aspect, though. The title of the book refers to how women, for nearly all of history have had the choice of marriage or spinsterhood. A woman's fate was tied to who she married and she had no real choice of vocation. Writers like Jane Austen were considered renegades, and even Austen wrote about the impact of marriages. The other aspects of the book had to do with the study of religion along with the practice of faith. There was also sort of a twisted love triangle somewhere in there with a relationship to mental illness. In the end, everyone walked off into the sunset alone.

This brought back into focus the experiences I had in undergrad with my study of theology. My young mind was impacted by the ideas that people--mainly men--drew from what they thought they knew about God. This book reminded me of the idea that if there is an omnipotent being, how could we possibly conceive of him in any human construct? When people of any religion pass judgement, it just makes me want to scream. And yet, I do still feel that I am a "sinner", that I am prone to make mistakes based on my own selfishness and that I want to be of service to others, but I let my own desire for "happiness" blind me. And so often that happiness is temporary, bound by my own expectations that are often unrealistic.

I have much more to process and I want to read more theology because I think the more I consider these ideas, the less I focus on myself. I think I see things more clearly.

My running has been great. It has also given me some clarity of mind. I might even gather enough courage to join the monday running group. i want to do a race before the season totally wanes.

My financial issues have not totally been resolved yet, and I am just hoping that I get that lucky break. So if anyone is actually reading this, please put in a good word with your diety, toss a coin in a fountain, call in a bet for me. I just need a chance.

It's funny how my academic vacation has made me think more deeply.

Hollyj

Pride and Joy

I am not going to run today. I should. Some days I just don't have the mental component it takes. Although it would probably improve my mental state. There's your irony. While I am happy that I have stuck with it this long with any sort of consistency, I am really hoping to get back to those 15-20 mile weeks again. Fall is my favorite running season, so I feel hopeful.

I am getting a surprising amount of substitute work. I thought I would hate it. My first assignment was middle school,which I swore I would never do again. What I have realized is how little confidence I had when I subbed for the first time 12 years ago. (Twelve years. Geez.) At any rate, It felt great to do something well. There were a few moments of middle school hijinks, but it felt good overall. I made a positive connection at that school. I was proud of myself for just a moment.

In addition, it helps to know money will be trickling in. Sometimes I cannot believe how lucky I have been. So many people out there, suffering and homeless. But for the grace in the universe, that would be me. I don't like this struggling, and at my age, I have felt like I have been stripped of all the hard work I have done. Certainly some of it has been my choice. But when I am feeling full of desperation, i try to remind myself that I still have four healthy kids, a roof over my head, food in the cupboards and so many friends that show their love for me on a daily basis.

Thank you all for your support.

Hollyj

Sick and tired of being sick and tired

I have not run at all this week.
I am feeling awful physically. Infection(s), fatigue, financial stress...

So, I think I'll just get up and run tomorrow.

Sometimes that's all you have. You have this one thing in your life. If it's working, then you can be strong enough for everything else: everyone who needs something from you, at least some of the people who want something from you. Maybe you can rise from the ashes, I don't know.

I am grateful for the gifts I received this week. I struggle. I am thankful. I want to give back. I want to live up to my supposed potential.

I have heard many platitudes about perseverance. I have always been able to survive. How long?

You can't always get what you want.
But if you try sometimes,
You just might find
You get what you need.

hj

Wake me up when September ends

Not much to report today, just feel like I should write something other than reflections on literacy and comments to other reflections on literacy. Am I a little tired of being in school? Yes. Yes I am.

The soccer game went well for the most part. We were thrashed by the other team, but it was still fun. Good group of people, and we definitely have some skill. If we have some subs and are more equally matched, I think we will do fine. I had to play the whole game, so I was exhausted. In fact, I am still sore from the game today. I ran on Monday and this morning. Feeling pretty good, but I'd feel better if I'd stop the late night snacking. I just need to go to bed at decent hour.

School is in session and time is empty right now. Many things to do, but little gets accomplished.

Practicality is really unromantic at times.

Hollyj

Damitol (trademark)

Headache for days, people. Intermittent nausea. Stuff in my sinuses. Is the mono returning, or is my body just acting out?

On the bright side I just finished 4 miles for the first time in ??? a month I guess. Maybe more. Instead of running on Monday I did a 6 mile hike up to Broken Hand. That totally wore me out. I was a little footsore, but no lasting damage. My right foot has been giving me trouble since it got tweaked a few weeks ago. I can't seem to get it to normalize. Anyway, I might try to squeeze in 3 miles tomorrow, as I won't have time to run on Saturday and Sunday will be my first indoor soccer game since February or March?? Yay Soccer!!!!

Still no job, but I did get into the Subfinder system. Probably a blessing and a curse. Not sure what I am going to do if they call. I am going to see how September goes.

My two older boys turn a year older this month. How time flies. It scares me to think about where I'll be when the little ones get into their twenties. I did not think about this twenty years ago. I thought about making it through the day as a young mother of two.

The Dems put ol' Bill up on the podium last night. He gave a rousing speech. Even I was won over. But, I have to be honest, I'll only have some small portion of hope if the president is re-elected. On the other hand, I will be depressed if the other guy wins. I don't know where this country is headed anymore. I feel like our generation is at a loss for direction. Many of us are just anesthetized by our entitlement.

I need to shower and try to look at my homework.

Keep passing the open windows,

Hollyj