Closing Argument

Ladies and Gentleman of the Jury,

I am a tortured soul. Most of it of my own creation. This week, at work, we are doing a form of standardized testing. And if there were a week where I needed my wits about me, this would be it, because this matters to our program and to the school. In addition, I know that no matter what I look like shit, excuse my language. Can't eat, cant sleep. So while I administer these repetitive tests, I have to try and not think about my broken heart, and more importantly, the heart I have broken. I addition, I am trying to finally recognize and deal with the actual issue: trust.

Who do I really trust? Anyone? I don't think so. I think I doubt the motives of most everyone I know. How does that change? If it doesn't, I will eventually ruin all of my relationships. And when/why did it get to this point? I don't want to go back to the parental level, though I am sure that did not help. I did have at least one loving, amazing relationship. I almost had another. I want it back.

What I know I feel is that in the moment where someone is genuinely reaching out to me in friendship and love, I feel a physical dissociation. I realize intellectually it is a defense mechanism, but it disturbs me to such a degree that I am now convinced that I must make drastic changes.

Still playing soccer. My hope is to run tomorrow, and at least one other day. I hope next week will be better.

My kids have saved my life. Again. But I am afraid of what I will do to them if I don't change now.

A friend of the devil is a friend of mine...I just might get some sleep tonight.

I love you, you know I do. I just need some time. You have taught me so much and brought me to a crossroads. I will make the right choice or I will continue the same destructive behavior. We are connected in a way that I have never known.

hollyj