Four Miles

So...I did not go running yesterday or the day before. I had plenty of time, and the weather was much better. But I NEED to go today. Ugh. I knew I would regret it. Too much letting my mind go. To much reversion back to that place where I feel powerless.

Hey! (Time has passed) I DID go running today. FOUR miles in fact. I don't remember when I last ran four miles. Getting three runs in is going to be tricky. Because that means Thursday and Saturday at this point. Can I do it Thursday morning? And Saturday is unpredictable, but I could possibly run in Portland! Anyway, I am trying hard to keep my motivation high.

The things I am bothered by are still mostly the products of my own thought process. Feel like my relationship is more friends with benefits lately. And I am not completely certain where that is coming from because the messages are so mixed. And I can't confront it right now, because I have other things that are more pressing.

The father of my children continues to be blind in terms of his complete and total arrogance. I have worked with my daughter for nearly six weeks on this performance that will occur on Friday, and his response has been to throw money at it and then "can I take the kids home after school on Friday?" Because after all my hard work, convincing her of a good song to sing, to let me play piano instead of trying to excerpt two minutes from a You Tube karaoke track---when the wifi is at best undependable---and all the other things that happened that only went right because I am there working at that school, where she is, because I am so lazy to work only 4 hours a day. No, you will not take them home from school. I will take them to a place where we will consume candy or ice cream or whatever we can, to totally ruin their dinner when I bring them back to you.

Yeah, that is not very altruistic. But then, I am flawed, and I am tired of his load of...

Plus. It's our celebration. And that is all.

I need to be strong for the next three days. Very strong.

Pray. Light a candle. Keep me in your thoughts.

Thanks.

Hollyj