Ch Ch Ch Changes

I don't know what to say about today, really. That feeling of unsettledness that I was having the last time I wrote became more and more unsettling until it kind of boiled over, I guess. I felt like I might be losing something really important. I can't comment on it because it involves my kids. I reached out for help and kinda got slapped in the face. Last night I felt full panic.

Anyway, I finally took a sleeping pill and slept. I woke up this morning feeling okay, but things became clear to me as the day went on. Sometimes you have to let go. I thought I had let go of a ton of things the past few years. Today I let go of the person I thought I would always have in my life. Even writing that makes me feel a bit ill. But all of it is making me ill. Literally. My stomach was pierced with knives all day long. I don't know what will happen next. Love either leaves you or comes back even stronger, in my experience.

I went to the book store and bought a bunch of books. I have lots of paint and other projects. I have kids and running and soccer and writing, of course. I have just a few friends left, but when I just listen to 5 minutes of the news, I know I'm lucky. I could live in the Philippines, for instance.

In other aspects of my life, I discovered that several seasons of the original Law & Order are on Netflix, which is both wonderful and horrible, as it will cut into anything productive. I had Monday off, and got some things done including a hike to Tumalo Falls which included a totally embarrassing fall into the creek. Ah, the bruises. Body and ego. However tonight I scored ANOTHER GOAL!!!!! A beautiful goal; upper right hand corner this time. Yep. I love soccer, I really do. And I appreciate that I can still play. That game gave me such pleasure tonight. I love this team. I don't know how long it will last, but I have learned to hold the good moments in my heart and mind, because they are fleeting.

The very last thing is that I must commit to my health. I know what needs to happen. Finances could use some attention too.

At any rate, thanks for listening. I am out a great friend, and that is going to be an enormous hole in my life. On top of that another very close friend is not talking to me because he is in that deep dark hole of self-alienation and I can't help, because he won't let me.

Once again, I ask for prayers. These days are going to be difficult.

Hey! At least it's a good season to volunteer.

Take good care, my friends.

Hollyj