State your purpose

I went running twice this week! YAY! I might have finally got out of the doldrums of my running. I would be happy with at least one more run, but perhaps I'll sneak in two. Then, I will try to bump up the mileage just a little next week. Maybe even a fall race :D

I have been feeling a little fleshy lately. My bad habit/good habit balance has not been as it should be. Too much snacking, too little water, staying up late for no good reason, etc. Certainly it is part of my mental fatigue as well. And, you can't discount hormonal influences.

My state of mind has been primarily affected by three job interviews that have resulted in no job. I think two of the three I did as best as I could, the last one just felt weird. But I am trying to tell myself that it all happens for a reason. I need to do my practicum this fall. I can substitute and have a more flexible schedule. Yep.

School starts one week from today. They will be in 2nd and 5th grade. Where does all the time go?

I have more or less successfully committed to running for six months now. I need to start committing to writing, completing my projects and putting them out there for the world to see. It's really the same sort of exercise. And it points back to what I was talking about last week--using my time for myself--for something that is meaningful. Living with more purpose.

Hollyj

One Weak

I went running once since I wrote this past week (technically twice, I guess). I went out on Saturday, as it was overcast, and I thought I would beat the heat. Going out was fine, 15 minutes brought me to a pretty decent turnaround point. As reached minute 25, I hit a wall of heat and nausea that I have not experienced in many months. I actually walked, which is shameful to me on a normal day. I walked for about 90 seconds and tried again. Then I walked for another minute and was able to run the rest of the way home. (Strangely, I did not lose 2.5 minutes of time, only about a minute.) When I started my cool down walk around the block I was not sweating at all. Then, as I crossed the threshold of the house, I began to sweat and shiver. My skin broke out in goosebumps. I crawled into my bed and had fever and chills for about 45 minutes. Oy.

Today was the first time I tried to run again. Obviously, I was more affected by that virus than I thought last week. Today was pretty good. Cool breeze, great tunes, and, while I can tell I am not 100% as of yet, I feel a heck of a lot better than last week.

The employment front is not yet hopeless, but I sometimes wish things were not such a struggle in that area. I try to remain optimistic. I try.

I have had several flashes of thought toward a central realization about how I spend my time. Time is a curious currency, and I am beginning to see it in a different light. Redefining wasted time. Searching for how to spend it effectively with the ones you love and avoiding that paralyzing ache when I am alone. Because that is time I should spend with myself. That is definitely part of what running is for me. I need a few more extensions.

One political comment: I don't want to make any predictions yet, but if the R's continue in this manner, I have more hope than I did a few weeks ago.

I finally read a whole book for my own enjoyment!!! I read The Road by Cormac McCarthy. While it was not the most uplifting experience I have had, especially considering the state of mind I was in at the time, it was very well written and touched me a great deal. For me, I think it really impressed upon me the faith that children have in their parents. I know I have had occasion to disappoint my children. I have also had the gift of grace. As my oldest two celebrate their birthdays next month, I cannot believe the depth and breadth of the changes we have all experienced. These adults that tell me they love me still. My heart is fit to burst.

Peace,

hollyj

Tired.
Still have not been running yet.
I have been fighting a bug and trying to write a paper, so I decided to delay it a bit longer, which I think was a good decision.
I have been getting back on track, doing the things I need to do, and it feels good. While I am still playing a little catch-up this week, I believe I am headed in the right direction. I still have faith that everything happens for a reason.I still believe in love and friendship. I even regained a bit of faith in myself.
I hope I can get some sleep and run in the morning before it is too hot. I will set my alarm and see how I feel in the morning.
All I can do is all I can do.
Holly

H-E-doublehockeysticks

When last I posted, more than three weeks ago, I had just returned from a glorious trip on the Main Salmon. It was not too long after that a severe case of apathy set in. I had the usual responsibilities--school, applying for work, taking care of children, etc. But some things happened that were difficult to deal with. Some of them were my doing, others were beyond my control. The end result being a bit of the blues. I don't really like to talk about these things, because I don't find it attractive.

Well so here I am at the end of the road
Where do I go from here?
I always figured it would be like this
Still nothing seems to be quite clear

All the words have been spoken and the prophecy fulfilled
But I just can't decide where to go
Yes, it's been quite a day and I should go to sleep
But tomorrow I will wake up and I'll know

That I've got to begin again
Though I don't know how to start
Yes, I've got to begin again
And it's hard

Well it's been quite a while since I lifted my head
And I'm sure the light will hurt my eyes
I see the way that I´ve been spendin' my days
And reality has caught me by surprise

I was dreamin' of tomorrow so I sacrificed today
And it sure was a grand waste of time
And despite all the truth that's been thrown in my face
I just can't get you out of my mind

But I've got to begin again
Though I don't know how start
Yes, I've got to begin again
And it's hard



Billy Joel expresses it quite well. I have to begin everything again. My running included. I hope to be back writing again soon. I have a lot of things that need work, so my posts will probably be short, but I know I need to get back into my routine and face the music. I have had my own private hell for the last few days, and if it weren't for a few friends and my family, I would be lost completely.

Keep hope alive,
Holly