No Running last week at all...
It was good to to have the children there, but most of my time was spent shopping, cooking and cleaning. I felt like I barely got to spend time with anyone. Though I did have breakfast with my youngest and dinner with my oldest. My 10-year-old made positive comments and they all got along famously.
Hopefully will be able to do something this week, as I don't even have soccer.
May be reverting to a gelatinous blob soon.
I did manage to get the carpets cleaned and rid the pack rat's room of some serious garbage, but I still have miles to go on that one.
Many other issues on my mind, but none that I am at liberty to discuss at this point.
Hollyj

Merry Christmas

Wow.
I am sitting on my little sofa, winding down from the day.

All of my children are under the roof on Christmas morning for the first time in five years. And even then, it was tenuous. Ellie asked me today about my favorite Xmas, and I can't honestly remember one. I seem to always remember tension, even as a child.

I hope there is still some magic left for my little ones. I also hope they are aware that they are pretty lucky. I sent John Lennon's "Happy Xmas" out on FB. I know it's brutal, but I think we should think about those who are grieving or suffering in other ways, when we have so much. I felt pretty guilty wrapping the presents as it was.

It brings me to question myself. What am I doing? Am I changing the world as much as I can? Am I an example for my children? I think I have claimed the strain of survival for a long time. When and how will I start acting on my beliefs in a determined fashion?

I ran Saturday. That was it for the week (except for soccer). It is already Tuesday and who knows if I will run this week?

I must get some sleep. I told the kids they could wake me at 7, and since I am on the couch, it'll probably be earlier.

So much has changed since this day last year. So much. I can hardly believe the things that are now taking place.

I am thankful for the grace I have been given.

hollyj

Dreaming of a peaceful Xmas

Just a few hours after I wrote my last post 20 children were gunned down in an elementary school in Connecticut. Six adults were also killed, teacher and other school staff. I was already not in a great mood, up late, thinking too much about the things I can't control, and this unspeakable thing greeted me as I went to my elementary school to work.

I still feel numb and helpless. I know I am supposed to be thankful for what I have and hold my children closer, but that does not make me feel any better. I want the guns to be gone. I know it may not make sense, but that is what I want. I know that people die every day from other causes that could be cured by something as simple as antibiotics, and I know that more people die every day in traffic accidents.

Other frustrating things made it an unhappy day; little things. I don't feel like going into it, because it is tedious.

I am trying to talk myself into running today, as I probably would be good for me. It has been snowing lightly all day, and the trail might be slippery.

There is much cleaning and decorating to do, and a bit of frivolity tonight, listening to a friend play in his band.

Take care my friends,

Holly

Sweet Relief

I finished my research paper a little after 4 am on Wednesday morning. While there are a few loose ends in terms of completing the reading endorsement for my license, my coursework is finished. I just realized today what a great weight had been lifted from my shoulders, and how much time I spent consumed with trying to be a student while also being a mother, a teacher, have a relationship, spend time with friends (which is necessary for my survival) and try to run a household. My relief is indescribable.

I was unable to run this week until today. I squeezed in in between work and picking the kids up, and then went right on to tutoring. But, the run was so nice. I just really appreciated and enjoyed the sun, the lack of wind, the music in my ears, my ability to keep on running. I hope and pray it will continue.(Immediate feeling of jinxing myself)

I took my kids out to dinner to acknowledge and appreciate their patience. I am so happy that I won't have to spend hours on my laptop, saying, "I'll be there in a minute"... And then we went to seek out a free Xmas tree which turned out to be an odyssey of wood chopping and trying to defy physics, eventually ruining my Xmas tree stand. We can only hope we make it through, without it falling.

And in the "life changing moments" category: The furniture has been rearranged and my hair cut. The process with the furniture was a little horrifying. The amount of dust, cat hair, and other detritus. Embarrassing. Cut me to the quick. Another result of my focus on my classes. Anyway, I love the result. I think it changes the focal point of the home. And more clutter has been eliminated. More and more I see how I was clinging to things.

And the hair... It was suggested to me that I cut it short. And to just be honest, I was immediately resistant because it was suggested to me by my boyfriend. I had long ago decided that I don't cut my hair for a man. But, I felt like my hair was another thing I needed to let go of. It is only hair. And I felt like I have made so many positive changes in 2012, letting go of old patterns, that maybe the long hair was just another thing I was holding on to. It is a big thing for me. Sure, it grows, and I can always wear it long again, but I am glad I did it, if only for the experience.

I am long winded tonight. I need to get some rest and finish off this week.

Good night my friends,

hollyj

Just another manic Monday

Ugh.

The last 24 hours have been a taxation on my mind and body. First, the brutal soccer game in which I played the entire first half and most of the second, only to be hit in the head again---the same spot---in the last moments. Felt spacey and dizzy and a little nauseous. I could have just been hungry and tired, but then the headache came back and I pretty much have to keep the acetaminophen and ibuprofen strong in the veins so I can function. So then I had to come home and prepare for this meeting the next day, and I was just tired and achy and didn't feel like schoolwork. But I had to do it because it's a non-negotiable thing.

Then I get a text at 8am asking if I can pick up the kids today because his girlfriend's daughter had her baby. I don't normally post this personal stuff, but really???

I know, first world problems of a divorced, half-employed, middle aged, (continue inserting adjectives).... woman.

I would to have loved to run today. The weather was gorgeous. I would go now, but I have other things I need to do and it is dark. I have not run in the dark here for ages, and never from this neighborhood, so I am not exactly enticed to do so.

I am at least three kinds of grumpy, so I better chill out and gain some perspective quickly.

Peace,

hollyj

The Shape of a Heart

I went running today. I could not fit one in the last several days. Too much happening. Well, you can always make it happen if you're willing to get up at some early hour or sacrifice more time with your loved ones. Me, I make my choices. Anyway, it was a nice day for December. Sunny and cold. I was feeling my muscles stretch, listening to the music, glad to be able to run. I had many thoughts about many things. I saw a heart shaped puddle left over from our many days of rain.

I was thinking earlier today: the term "hopeless romantic" makes no sense. Because you can't be a romantic without hope. So, then I heard this song

People speak of love don't know what they're thinking of
Wait around for the one who fits just like a glove
Speak in terms of belief and belonging
Try to fit some name to their longing
People speak of love

You keep it up
You try so hard
To keep a life from coming apart
And never know
What breaches and faults are concealed
In the shape of a heart

People speak of love don't know what they're thinking of
Reach out to each other though the push and shove
Speak in terms of a life and the learning
Try to think of a word for the burning

---Jackson Browne


I hold onto hope. I am not sure exactly why, except that I always have, and would not want to be a hopeless or bitter person.

hollyj

Eight Year Old

Today was my little girl's 8th birthday. We pierced her ears, an 8-year-old rite of passage, I guess. I was 8.

As she gets older I realize the things I had experienced as a girl at each age. Glad to say she has had much more positive things in her life, and that I am aware of how important I am in her growth, in her personhood. I am also aware of how much love can play a part in your life---the degree to which you can grow when given the chance.

So, I don't have a lot more to say. Played a good game of soccer yesterday, for myself, anyway. I laughed with some girls nearly half my age who are twice as smart, and who are generous and kind. I am already exhausted and yet have much to do. But I am inspired by my possibilities.

hollyj

This time, with feeling.

I should have gone running today. I weenied out because it was that inversion-cold-fog thing, and because I was just feeling out of sorts. I did superglue my orthotic together as much as possible (and managed to cover my hands in glue, of course) which may or may not be good. Don't know, since I have not been running yet. I must go tomorrow. I think my stress level is too high not to.

SoOoO....seems like the practicum is coming together which is good, but now more pressure to perform and I am a little freaked. Hence the stress.

I could wax on right now about this whole state of mind I am in, but I think a wise man told me today not to go into my mind alone.

So, I have fed the children, cleaned the kitchen, taken out the garbage. I am going to try and do some work, read a bedtime story, and wake up on time tomorrow, work hard, run, and do all the same things again.

But this time WITH FEELING!!!

hollyj

Prayers

Pout.

One of my orthotics has had a total blowout. This is a really huge bummer, as I have no medical insurance and to get new ones would probably set me back a grand. Sigh. I'm going to seek what I can find. Say a prayer.

Ironically, the break came to my attention just as I was running, thinking what a great day it was, how good the run was feeling. November; cool but kinda blissful. Crud.

So, I think maybe this school thing is going to finally come together. (Fingers crossed) Actually, say more prayers for that too.

Not much else to report. Ugly soccer game. Busy week coming. Loving all my loved ones.

Pray!!!

hollyj

Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving my cyberstalkers :)


A year ago, I was here with all of my children. We went on a run. (I Like Pie) My oldest and I missed the turnaround and ended up running 5 miles instead of three. I was SO out of shape then. I was struggling and in pain. I thought: never again will I let myself be so unhealthy.

Here I am a year later, 40+ lbs lighter, new job, new friends and love in my life. I'm still making mistakes. I'm still struggling financially. But I still have hope.
I did the same run on my own today. Not as fun, because I missed my kids. But still affirming.

I have been forgiven. For this I am thankful and yet I feel bewildered that I could be. So I am going forward, one step at a time. I can't really say much more than that. I am still working bits and pieces in my mind. But I do know I must be true. To everyone, myself included.

On this day I am thankful that all of my children are alive, and (mostly) healthy, and that they are so intelligent and giving (and FUNNY!!). I am thankful that I have friends that are concerned for me when I am down, and who make me laugh and share moments with me that enrich my life.

I want to walk through this next year becoming healthier on the inside, just as I have been able to get healthier on the outside.

Diet: less escape, more integrity
Exercise: give, write, reflect

Thank you,

hollyj

Grace needed

I don' want to get out of bed. It is warm and the house is messy and I don't want to look at it.

I don't want to deal with anything. But, alas, there are children that are bouncing around and deserve my attention before this long Thanksgiving break begins.

I don't know what to think. Confusion is my primary emotion this morning.

I will play soccer, so I am excusing myself from running for today.

I need to start taking care of myself, and start finishing the projects that I have let lie for nearly a week.

I need to eat food.

I need to run again consistently.

I must clear my mind and be myself.

I can't worry about what may or may not happen.

Change the things I can.

I am in need if a little grace. Send some along if you can spare it.

hollyj

Fried-day

Could not even post yesterday.

The grief goes on.

Slept 12 hours last with horrible dreams despite the sleep meds.

I look like a meth addict, sunken eyes, sores all over my face...oh and in one of my dreams my teeth started falling out. Good weight loss program,
though.
I really am going to try to run today, but for now I must do the Saturday morning shuffle.

Everywhere I look reminds me of him. I don't want to even wash my sheets. That's how pathetic I feel.

hollyj

A Moment

I'm not even going to mention the little things that went wrong today. The things that a person, especially at a new job, just smiles and says, "Hey, no problem, I can handle it!!!" And other stupid stuff that..., oh forget it. But it's harder when you don't have that positive emotional reserve. I handled it, but that was the best acting I have done in years.

Still haven't been running. Hope to get to the shoe store tomorrow. Actually I could have squeezed a run in today, but, you know...

Cried, cried, cried. And I hate to cry. But I am telling you people, I am suffering. Because it is my fault. I suffer when others hurt me, but I can step away and say "it's not me", or something like that.

But is was me. And it was so idiotic. It was a moment.

I remember trying to explain to one of my reading groups just a few weeks ago the meaning of the word "moment". It is an instant, and yet it can last forever.

I can't travel back in time and change that moment. But, I tell you. If I could, I would give almost anything to do it.


I heard the song "Lego House" today for the first time, while driving, listening to the radio.


You should check it out.


Peace,

hollyj

One step closer to knowing

I'm 'round the corner from anything that's real
I'm across the road from hope
I'm under a bridge in a rip tide
That's taken everything I call my own

One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing
Knowing, knowing

I'm on an island at a busy intersection
I can't go forward, I can't turn back
Can't see the future
It's getting away from me
I just watch the tail lights glowing

One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing
Knowing, knowing

I'm hanging out to dry
With my old clothes
Finger still red with the prick of an old rose
Well the heart that hurts
Is a heart that beats
Can you hear the drummer slowing?

One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing
To knowing, to knowing, to knowing

(U2)

That's all I have for now.

hollyj

Karma = Hives

Yep. All over. Benadryl not working.

Hump day blues

Sorry to continue my negativity. Hopefully will recover someday. Trying not to cry, that's how bad it is. Kids are here, though, so no crying until they are asleep. At least they are sound sleepers.

No running. On the good news front: the shop found a new pair of my 'old' shoes. Maybe I'll pick them up tomorrow... Can't run when I feel so low, but then I need it more than ever. Irony abounds.

There are so many things that demand my attention right now. And it is hard to be the great mom, the author of an amazing research proposal, the standout reading coach; offering trainings to the staff that barely know me, the runner, the tutor that is going to turn the 'bad' kid around and help the needy girl with chronic health issues avoid being someone who is not a co-dependent mess (go ahead with your pot-kettle jokes).

Certainly there are those that have it worse off than I do. Even more certainly, my acute depression is a manifestation of my fear of happiness.

Gotta find my bootstraps again.

hollyj

Words, words, words

It is a tale, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

Two different Shakespeare quotes from two different plays, but just where I am right now.

Still no running, but have shoe issues. Maybe tomorrow.

Decided to actually seek out a band, on Craiglist, and now am being castigated as if I were prostituting myself.

I am in a bad bad space right now. I certainly made a mistake, but am paying one hundred fold. My motherhood insulted, my one wrong move weighed against sacrifices, friendship, meals cooked, cakes baked, babysitter paid, so much that I can't believe one stupid split second sentence outweighs all the patience love and understanding of 8 months of loyalty.

There you have it.
hollyj

Jinx

Spoke to soon. Broke my own heart. Haven't run for three days. Maybe tomorrow.

Say a prayer for me that I can learn my lessons.

hollyj

Beefhide Donut

While I squeezed in my 3 mile run today, I saw a discarded wrapper lying on the sidewalk. When I passed it going out, I did not really pay attention to it, just kept on running. It was an okay run physically. It was my first time with my new shoes and I think the guy got my shoes wrong, so I was sorta focused on how my feet were feeling and not enjoying the run as much as I would have liked. I had some great tunes, though, just making me think of younger days, of my own emotional journey.

On my return toward home I saw that same wrapper. It said "Beefhide Donut". I laughed out loud. It made me think of how many concerns we have in our minds, yet someone out there is making a Beefhide Donut.

I am so busy right now, but i need to write for a few reasons. First of all, the election was two nights ago. I was happy with most of the results, especially to have re-elected our president. My only sadness is that I have some friends who cannot see beyond their selfishness. The comments were about how they should just "cash in" and get on food stamps, and sign up for every handout. It was really hurtful. These past few years, I have struggled financially. If it weren't for the program that reduced my mortgage, another program that paid my mortgage for more than a year, and a few other benefits, I am pretty sure I would be living in a apartment that would cost more than it now costs to pay my mortgage. And when you look at history, other first world nations, there is so much evidence that social programs, building infrastructure and universal health care are viable solutions.

I did not de-friend anyone after the Facebook rants. I noticed posts and comments from that night have been deleted, or perhaps when I changed my settings... I guess what I am wondering is: is it worth standing up to people like this when I see them, because I will see them. Or is it just better to let it go and realize emotions were high and no one of us is likely to change our minds?

I have so much on my plate. I am trying to rid myself of nearly 5 years of collected stuff that I have been storing so that my new roommate can have more space---and I can have more emotional space. I am finishing the last of my classes to hopefully end this frustrating and expensive educational odyssey. I am working a new job along with two new tutoring students that I hate to disappoint. Also, I should maintain my connection with my supervisor.

I am learning what it is like to have love in my life again. I said it. I try not to be personal. This is a small town. But the six of you who read this blog probably know anyway.

hollyj

All Saints Day

It is All Saints Day.

I am getting better at running consistently. I ran three times last week, not counting soccer. Speaking of soccer, I am pretty sure I sustained a concussion about two weeks ago. It was quite the headache, and I started a new job the next day. It was a difficult week. It was clear to me that I was not functioning well. I was actually a little worried about my speech at times, slurring words and forgetting really elementary things. But, it passed. I did not want to go to the doctor for many different reasons. And I think I made the right choice, or I was just lucky that I did not stroke out.

I am thankful for the job and happy to be getting up and going to work every day. It makes quite a difference to your psyche. The people at school are friendly and the energy is really nice. I hope, I hope...

School--my graduate school-- went into a full scale nosedive the week of the concussion and I had to drop two classes. Also, the class that I was offered to "makeup" the "missing submissions" went by the wayside. I still have a "B", but I am a bit of a perfectionist, so I don't like it. But I just could not look at a computer screen that week. I basically went to bed by 9 or 10 each night, barely coping.

Lately, I feel the pain of reality. Of course, if you take an objective viewpoint in regard to what has occurred in my life the past two years, you can certainly understand. I have days that I feel loss. My intention is to count my blessings, as especially in the past few months, I have received many. But my longing is misplaced and will probably never be satisfied, even if it is something that never was and never will be, it is so difficult to extinguish. And, if even if it was offered, would I believe in it?

I have some patient friends who listen, offer thoughts. So, again I am lucky. So many suffer alone. So many.

The saints did, right? Suffer.

hollyj


ps. I also turned 44 last week. Forever young, I want to be forever young.

Can of worms

Once again it has been too long.
Running has been off and on. Soccer had made me more sore, other things have gotten in the way...mostly good things. I will likely be able to run the next three days, then soccer, then a day of rest. I am also still hoping to get a race in this fall, but not certain about when.
I was offered a job a couple of days ago. I am pretty excited. I think it is a good opportunity.
I have been surprisingly busy with subbing and then, recently, trying to clean out my storage. I opened a can of worms with the storage boxes, which happened to coincide with a change in housemates. So, I thought I should make more room due to the new housemate actually wanting to coexist in the kitchen area. Also, I have been thinking about how much stuff I have, and how little I really need. And, then I started to think about the reasons I was holding on to them. I have such a hard time letting go. It impairs my judgement. I need to be free of the fear and the things and the bottomless pit of insecurity that causes me to hold on to what I don't need.

So many changes. And I am afraid of changes...

How I wish I could go back to simpler days. I have to live the life I have, which is not really bad when you think about the people who struggle and don't have the luxury of worrying about these things.

Some days it really is just one foot in front of the other, having faith, hoping for the best, and working your ass off.

Academic Vacation

I don't have homework this week, so I have spent my time reading The Marriage Plot by Jeffrey Eugenides. It was a great book. I was obsessed. I wish he had taken more time with the literary aspect, though. The title of the book refers to how women, for nearly all of history have had the choice of marriage or spinsterhood. A woman's fate was tied to who she married and she had no real choice of vocation. Writers like Jane Austen were considered renegades, and even Austen wrote about the impact of marriages. The other aspects of the book had to do with the study of religion along with the practice of faith. There was also sort of a twisted love triangle somewhere in there with a relationship to mental illness. In the end, everyone walked off into the sunset alone.

This brought back into focus the experiences I had in undergrad with my study of theology. My young mind was impacted by the ideas that people--mainly men--drew from what they thought they knew about God. This book reminded me of the idea that if there is an omnipotent being, how could we possibly conceive of him in any human construct? When people of any religion pass judgement, it just makes me want to scream. And yet, I do still feel that I am a "sinner", that I am prone to make mistakes based on my own selfishness and that I want to be of service to others, but I let my own desire for "happiness" blind me. And so often that happiness is temporary, bound by my own expectations that are often unrealistic.

I have much more to process and I want to read more theology because I think the more I consider these ideas, the less I focus on myself. I think I see things more clearly.

My running has been great. It has also given me some clarity of mind. I might even gather enough courage to join the monday running group. i want to do a race before the season totally wanes.

My financial issues have not totally been resolved yet, and I am just hoping that I get that lucky break. So if anyone is actually reading this, please put in a good word with your diety, toss a coin in a fountain, call in a bet for me. I just need a chance.

It's funny how my academic vacation has made me think more deeply.

Hollyj

Pride and Joy

I am not going to run today. I should. Some days I just don't have the mental component it takes. Although it would probably improve my mental state. There's your irony. While I am happy that I have stuck with it this long with any sort of consistency, I am really hoping to get back to those 15-20 mile weeks again. Fall is my favorite running season, so I feel hopeful.

I am getting a surprising amount of substitute work. I thought I would hate it. My first assignment was middle school,which I swore I would never do again. What I have realized is how little confidence I had when I subbed for the first time 12 years ago. (Twelve years. Geez.) At any rate, It felt great to do something well. There were a few moments of middle school hijinks, but it felt good overall. I made a positive connection at that school. I was proud of myself for just a moment.

In addition, it helps to know money will be trickling in. Sometimes I cannot believe how lucky I have been. So many people out there, suffering and homeless. But for the grace in the universe, that would be me. I don't like this struggling, and at my age, I have felt like I have been stripped of all the hard work I have done. Certainly some of it has been my choice. But when I am feeling full of desperation, i try to remind myself that I still have four healthy kids, a roof over my head, food in the cupboards and so many friends that show their love for me on a daily basis.

Thank you all for your support.

Hollyj

Sick and tired of being sick and tired

I have not run at all this week.
I am feeling awful physically. Infection(s), fatigue, financial stress...

So, I think I'll just get up and run tomorrow.

Sometimes that's all you have. You have this one thing in your life. If it's working, then you can be strong enough for everything else: everyone who needs something from you, at least some of the people who want something from you. Maybe you can rise from the ashes, I don't know.

I am grateful for the gifts I received this week. I struggle. I am thankful. I want to give back. I want to live up to my supposed potential.

I have heard many platitudes about perseverance. I have always been able to survive. How long?

You can't always get what you want.
But if you try sometimes,
You just might find
You get what you need.

hj

Wake me up when September ends

Not much to report today, just feel like I should write something other than reflections on literacy and comments to other reflections on literacy. Am I a little tired of being in school? Yes. Yes I am.

The soccer game went well for the most part. We were thrashed by the other team, but it was still fun. Good group of people, and we definitely have some skill. If we have some subs and are more equally matched, I think we will do fine. I had to play the whole game, so I was exhausted. In fact, I am still sore from the game today. I ran on Monday and this morning. Feeling pretty good, but I'd feel better if I'd stop the late night snacking. I just need to go to bed at decent hour.

School is in session and time is empty right now. Many things to do, but little gets accomplished.

Practicality is really unromantic at times.

Hollyj

Damitol (trademark)

Headache for days, people. Intermittent nausea. Stuff in my sinuses. Is the mono returning, or is my body just acting out?

On the bright side I just finished 4 miles for the first time in ??? a month I guess. Maybe more. Instead of running on Monday I did a 6 mile hike up to Broken Hand. That totally wore me out. I was a little footsore, but no lasting damage. My right foot has been giving me trouble since it got tweaked a few weeks ago. I can't seem to get it to normalize. Anyway, I might try to squeeze in 3 miles tomorrow, as I won't have time to run on Saturday and Sunday will be my first indoor soccer game since February or March?? Yay Soccer!!!!

Still no job, but I did get into the Subfinder system. Probably a blessing and a curse. Not sure what I am going to do if they call. I am going to see how September goes.

My two older boys turn a year older this month. How time flies. It scares me to think about where I'll be when the little ones get into their twenties. I did not think about this twenty years ago. I thought about making it through the day as a young mother of two.

The Dems put ol' Bill up on the podium last night. He gave a rousing speech. Even I was won over. But, I have to be honest, I'll only have some small portion of hope if the president is re-elected. On the other hand, I will be depressed if the other guy wins. I don't know where this country is headed anymore. I feel like our generation is at a loss for direction. Many of us are just anesthetized by our entitlement.

I need to shower and try to look at my homework.

Keep passing the open windows,

Hollyj

State your purpose

I went running twice this week! YAY! I might have finally got out of the doldrums of my running. I would be happy with at least one more run, but perhaps I'll sneak in two. Then, I will try to bump up the mileage just a little next week. Maybe even a fall race :D

I have been feeling a little fleshy lately. My bad habit/good habit balance has not been as it should be. Too much snacking, too little water, staying up late for no good reason, etc. Certainly it is part of my mental fatigue as well. And, you can't discount hormonal influences.

My state of mind has been primarily affected by three job interviews that have resulted in no job. I think two of the three I did as best as I could, the last one just felt weird. But I am trying to tell myself that it all happens for a reason. I need to do my practicum this fall. I can substitute and have a more flexible schedule. Yep.

School starts one week from today. They will be in 2nd and 5th grade. Where does all the time go?

I have more or less successfully committed to running for six months now. I need to start committing to writing, completing my projects and putting them out there for the world to see. It's really the same sort of exercise. And it points back to what I was talking about last week--using my time for myself--for something that is meaningful. Living with more purpose.

Hollyj

One Weak

I went running once since I wrote this past week (technically twice, I guess). I went out on Saturday, as it was overcast, and I thought I would beat the heat. Going out was fine, 15 minutes brought me to a pretty decent turnaround point. As reached minute 25, I hit a wall of heat and nausea that I have not experienced in many months. I actually walked, which is shameful to me on a normal day. I walked for about 90 seconds and tried again. Then I walked for another minute and was able to run the rest of the way home. (Strangely, I did not lose 2.5 minutes of time, only about a minute.) When I started my cool down walk around the block I was not sweating at all. Then, as I crossed the threshold of the house, I began to sweat and shiver. My skin broke out in goosebumps. I crawled into my bed and had fever and chills for about 45 minutes. Oy.

Today was the first time I tried to run again. Obviously, I was more affected by that virus than I thought last week. Today was pretty good. Cool breeze, great tunes, and, while I can tell I am not 100% as of yet, I feel a heck of a lot better than last week.

The employment front is not yet hopeless, but I sometimes wish things were not such a struggle in that area. I try to remain optimistic. I try.

I have had several flashes of thought toward a central realization about how I spend my time. Time is a curious currency, and I am beginning to see it in a different light. Redefining wasted time. Searching for how to spend it effectively with the ones you love and avoiding that paralyzing ache when I am alone. Because that is time I should spend with myself. That is definitely part of what running is for me. I need a few more extensions.

One political comment: I don't want to make any predictions yet, but if the R's continue in this manner, I have more hope than I did a few weeks ago.

I finally read a whole book for my own enjoyment!!! I read The Road by Cormac McCarthy. While it was not the most uplifting experience I have had, especially considering the state of mind I was in at the time, it was very well written and touched me a great deal. For me, I think it really impressed upon me the faith that children have in their parents. I know I have had occasion to disappoint my children. I have also had the gift of grace. As my oldest two celebrate their birthdays next month, I cannot believe the depth and breadth of the changes we have all experienced. These adults that tell me they love me still. My heart is fit to burst.

Peace,

hollyj

Tired.
Still have not been running yet.
I have been fighting a bug and trying to write a paper, so I decided to delay it a bit longer, which I think was a good decision.
I have been getting back on track, doing the things I need to do, and it feels good. While I am still playing a little catch-up this week, I believe I am headed in the right direction. I still have faith that everything happens for a reason.I still believe in love and friendship. I even regained a bit of faith in myself.
I hope I can get some sleep and run in the morning before it is too hot. I will set my alarm and see how I feel in the morning.
All I can do is all I can do.
Holly

H-E-doublehockeysticks

When last I posted, more than three weeks ago, I had just returned from a glorious trip on the Main Salmon. It was not too long after that a severe case of apathy set in. I had the usual responsibilities--school, applying for work, taking care of children, etc. But some things happened that were difficult to deal with. Some of them were my doing, others were beyond my control. The end result being a bit of the blues. I don't really like to talk about these things, because I don't find it attractive.

Well so here I am at the end of the road
Where do I go from here?
I always figured it would be like this
Still nothing seems to be quite clear

All the words have been spoken and the prophecy fulfilled
But I just can't decide where to go
Yes, it's been quite a day and I should go to sleep
But tomorrow I will wake up and I'll know

That I've got to begin again
Though I don't know how to start
Yes, I've got to begin again
And it's hard

Well it's been quite a while since I lifted my head
And I'm sure the light will hurt my eyes
I see the way that I´ve been spendin' my days
And reality has caught me by surprise

I was dreamin' of tomorrow so I sacrificed today
And it sure was a grand waste of time
And despite all the truth that's been thrown in my face
I just can't get you out of my mind

But I've got to begin again
Though I don't know how start
Yes, I've got to begin again
And it's hard



Billy Joel expresses it quite well. I have to begin everything again. My running included. I hope to be back writing again soon. I have a lot of things that need work, so my posts will probably be short, but I know I need to get back into my routine and face the music. I have had my own private hell for the last few days, and if it weren't for a few friends and my family, I would be lost completely.

Keep hope alive,
Holly

The River of No Return

Hello!
Just returned home from a glorious week on the Salmon River. Thanks to all who made it possible. Especially my oldest son, who took care of the house, the yard, the cats, and appropriately had a party the night before my return.

At any rate, the trip was lovely. The weather was variable. The people were funny, smart, talented, and great team players. The river was big, HUGE water. I can't believe I've run it in a hard shell before. I took my trusty purple inflatable and, with the exception of one rapid, in which my kayak decided to switch to autopilot, I ran the whole river clean. I won't soon forget this trip. It is very hard to transition back to "real life".

Speaking of transitioning, I could have gone running when I returned. I had/have plenty of time. But, I just want to dive into everything tomorrow. The housecleaning, the laundry, the schoolwork and job applications. So, up an at 'em for four miles of "let's see what my legs will do after 12 days of rest" and then buckle down and get some stuff done.

I am happy, happy girl.


And then you sense a change
Nothin' feels the same
All your dreams are strange

Don't look down

Where does the time go?
I apologize for letting this blog lapse. I am up to 611 page views, y'know. So I either have a really dedicated cyber-stalker, or some people actually read this stuff. However if you average it out, I think it's only about 10 views per month or something....so I can't get too excited.

Anyway, running has been up and down. Had a breathing issue that seems to be clearing up, but I still seem rather reactive to the air this season. I am pushing myself to do 4 miles every run, but taking more time in between and adding a few 3-milers in here and there. Some of it has genuinely been out of disinterest/laziness. For instance, it is hot today, somewhere around 90, so because I did not want to get out of bed at dawn, I did not run. Tomorrow promises to be hotter, so I better set my alarm and deal with it.

School is challenging. The good news is that it is more interesting, we are studying more advanced techniques for teaching comprehension. The bad news is that I am tired of this online format, and my motivation is low.

I am also discouraged about the dozens of applications I have tendered without any response, and now I am in a quarrel with the Unemployment Division. It is hard to keep my head up. I am very frustrated with the situation. I have some options, but none are forthcoming in a real rapid fashion.

Enough whining.
I am headed to the Salmon River in the near future, so I really can't complain. It will be a good "reset", and perhaps when I return, I can start fresh with everything--running included.

There have been a number of relationship dynamics that have changed in the past year: parenting, friendships and of course my singlehood. I have a difficult time letting go of the things I cannot control. Sigh. I feel like a tightrope walker someday. Every move must be careful, thoughtful, and I must keep my balance. Don't look down.

Thumb sucker

Hello again, it's been awhile. Not much, how 'bout you?

I think my summer posts may be few and far between. I have some time to myself, but it seems filled with boring things like paying bills and other such junk. And, I guess this is not my priority over reposting funny things on Facebook. :P

I am trying to decide whether to run today. There are a lot of excuses I want to make: my foot hurts, it's icky outside, it's only four months until my next birthday and I am feeling old, I need to clean the cat box... I could certainly go on forever. But, It is definitely a mental thing. I know if I put my running gear on, I would probably step foot outside the door and jump right into it. There is so much swimming around in my mind right now, I could probably use the run. But, I sit here, writing this blog that is essentially an Internet Siberia.

I hate to even admit to self-pity, because it is such a First World type of issue that I am having. This feeling of being nearly 44 and not where I want to be. Oh, poor me, I have a house and four healthy children, and some great friends. I live in a beautiful place. I am not hungry or sick. I live in a free country. Ugh. Now I don't like me much.

More and more I have the feeling that I should be investing my time in something other than the things that entertain me. I am wondering if we are just a generation of self-soothers. ACK!

Well, I am going to soothe myself for a little while and then see what presents.

Until next time,

Holly

Post Traumatic Anxiety

Wow.
It has been a long time, my friends.
I have been waging war on homework, finally catching up to my class after a long old time. In fact, it was such a long time that when I woke up this morning I still had this phantom anxiety hanging over my head. I think I traumatized myself. I have been accustomed to being the "good student" and once I got behind, I had this constant feeling of defeat and dread and ick. And, I still can't really shake it. Weird.

My running has gone well. I took an extra day off this week and last. The first one was just due to overwhelming feelings of unhappiness. I could not mentally summon the courage to run. Last week, I had two games of soccer that I did not want to double up on with a run. That was a good choice, because I was plenty sore. I like the team, which is good. I have to miss the game this week though. :( The muscle pain that I experienced this week brought back that whole idea of cross training.... I think I must schedule a bike ride.

I was going to say something about relationships and how confused I am, but every time I write about it, it does not sound right. And even that is confusing.

Happy Father's Day.

New Shoes

I have been wearing the same make and model of running shoes for two or three years. Probably more like three, since I am two years out from my injury. I went and tried on a new brand, brought them home, went through my running preparation ritual (clothes on, clean feet, glide, socks & shoes, music, headband, watch, cough drop). I started walking around the house, and they just did not feel right. I took back the pretty purple shoes. I exchanged them for the ol' white/silver/blue. They are not that pretty, but they hug my feet just the right way. I know they work. The grass is always greener, the other shoes are prettier. But if you run with the pretty shoes and get hurt, then you can't run at all. Why did I even try the pretty shoes? They felt a little different, I thought it was a good kind of different. Then she said,"They're very popular; one of our best-selling shoes." Maybe I just thought I should join the crowd.

You see what I am getting at here, right?

I have not decided whether to run or not today. I just finished a 3x3, and am tempted to just slip in a mile or two with these new shoes. More for the therapeutic value than anything else. My head hurts, and I have had some frustrating experiences the last day or so, that require some thought. I feel a 24-hour tumor coming on...

My other struggle is my fear of repeating mistakes. I am looking down the barrel of it right now. Actually, the barrel is not the right metaphor. It is more of a pathfinding situation. One thing that is clear, is that I must slow down and broaden my perspective.

Bobbing along

The weekend is waning. It has been busy, busy with kid activities. These two are growing fast, and yet we still have a long way to go, the three of us, before we begin to part ways. I was thinking about what kind of people they are and what positive influence I have had. I think they have my sense of humor and love of a good story. Then immediately I start to think of what I wish for them, and why some of the things I would want for them are not happening. Certainly I could be a better example in some ways. How can I better lead them down the path of challenge and adventure? How will they really learn about hard work, with or without reward? I would also like them to have greater value for giving and kindness.

When I think of the way that I was parented, and try to examine the traits I developed, I can see my lack of confidence and my need to please. I was lucky, in that I encountered many people who were able to model better behavior. I hope my children have many good role models as well. I don't want them to be crippled by my blind spots.

I ran on Friday, and felt exhausted. I am not sure if it was lack of sleep, or allergies, or just the end of a long week. I took yesterday off. Today is grey and windy, but I think I might enjoy it. I want to bump up my miles a little. I need new shoes.

This is the last week of my class. Everything is due by Saturday, but I would like to get it done by Friday. So many things are beginning and ending this month. School, summer, etc. I feel like I am bobbing downstream, so quickly, that I am missing the sights. I hope the summer takes its time. Ah, I hope for so many things.

SHOW LOVE!!

I apologize I have not written in over a week. Too much homework, along with the regular slings and arrows of single parenthood, and a LOT of fun distractions. Besides, who even reads this? My silent stalkers?

I am experiencing a paradigm shift, as has happened quite often this last year. So there is also plenty of my time spent lately, staring into space, thinking. I may actually be able to trust other human beings. Maybe. Possibly. Just recently passed the anniversary of the boys leaving the hospital. I think we are all still pretty shaken. But I have started to think that I can't live in fear of all the bad that can happen. And I can't keep asking why, thinking I somehow deserve to live life without pain. Man, that is really, really difficult. I am tempted to paint things on my walls like "You are lucky!", "Show Love!", etc.

There are still some hills I need to climb. Many jobs that I need to apply for. I am trying to ward off the feeling of futility.

By the end of next week, I will have run nearly 200 miles since I began in February. Now that is not a lot, considering I was gone for 11 days, and took at least 2 rest days each week. I am hoping to bump up to 20 miles a week after I purchase new shoes and transition them in. Still, I went on a four mile run on Monday that was rock star quality. Of course, I coughed until I nearly vomited, but hey, no big deal. (The pollen is killing me this week.) The running is my center right now, for me. It helps me to clear my mind a bit, makes me feel strong and capable. Not to mention that I dropped thirty pounds since the year began. That weight was more than body fat. It was baggage. It was insulation.

Boy, I am really getting too deep here.

One more river memory:
Standing on the top of the canyon rim, you can see for miles. You can see the land above, the vast canyons below, your tiny boats lined up on shore. I felt the smallness of my self, the significance and insignificance of who and where I was.

Show love,
Hollyj

Hello,

Made it through the weekend, and nearly to hump day. I was able to complete last week's homework, and I really hope I eventually get a handle on week one. I made some progress the last few days. I need to fill out my financial aid form, which means I need to get the taxes done...ugh. The TSPC sent my license for review and still won't approve the math endorsement. I am really not pleased about that. This whole teaching thing is really beginning to get to me. How can I want it, work for it, feel called to it, and still, I can't make it happen. I know some of the practical reasons. Just venting.

Just completed another 3 days-9 miles. It feels like a really good distance. I have had some pain above my right ankle during the return home, but it is not lingering--much. Anyway, I am really enjoying running right now. I almost hate to say it out loud. Don't want to tempt fate. I will need to contemplate planning a good five-miler soon.

All of the kids were here for the weekend. It was good. We went to see the Lorax, but otherwise a lot of just hanging out and catching up. Very good.

I would love to comment on more worldly, philosophical matters, but my sweat is beginning to freeze on me. So, I think I am ready for a hot shower and some dinner.

One of our days on the river, a few of us jumped off a ledge into a pool of freshwater. Exhilarating. I love that feeling. How lucky to have it in my life.

Holly J

I am having one of those days.

Some people have told me how positive I am, how I always have such a great attitude. Well, silent readers, Today is going to be a slogging through the mud struggle.

The first day we were on the river, we pulled off to see some ruins. They were called the River House Ruins, I believe. I stepped off the raft and immediately got caught in the quicksand/sludge/mud. The more I tried to free one leg, the deeper the other went. I started laughing because it was so ridiculous.

Today I am stuck in the mud again. I realize the more I struggle, the deeper I will be mired. Can I come out laughing?

Ran three miles for three days. Might try for a fourth tomorrow, just to see if I can.

Say a prayer for me today. I need to be lifted up.


I'm not aware of too many things
I know what I know, if you know what I mean?

What I am is what I am,
Are you what you are, or what?


Be back soon.
So much to do, and need to be happy to be doing it. The latter will be the challenge.

Holly

MacArthur Park

Donna Summer died this morning. What a beautiful voice she had. Only 63.
Last Dance, Donna.

Ugh. I have so much to do. And today turned out to be some wasted time. Well, okay not completely wasted. I am just feeling overwhelmed in this moment, and disappointed in those who could have made it easier for me. But I guess I just have to Little Red Hen the next few days away. And, I should. I have the debt that I owe the universe for all that I have:

"It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you've got." (little bit of Zen from Sheryl Crow)

Running has been pretty good. I came back after 11 days and, if I get to run tomorrow, I will get a 16 mile week in. That means it's time to get serious. I thought the Happy Girl was next weekend, but I guess it's Sunday, so I am not going to do it, as all four of the kids will be here. However, I'll probably get to run during the weekend, which is nice. I don't think I am quite ready for a race anyway. I must mention that I am able to wear those containers of clothing I have been saving for however many months or years. That is definitely a good thing. Getting back to my fighting weight. Not that the number matters, but I feel light and strong.

My apathy is fading, getting back into school. Still no job.

Remembering a night on the river when the moon rose over the canyon wall. So magical.

Oh, and the Main Salmon waits for me in July.

I shall return. (Another MacArthur reference, in case you did not know)

HollyJ

Off the Grid

Hello there!

It has been awhile. The week after my last post I was frantically preparing to be gone for 11 days, and I returned home just two days ago. The trip was amazing. The water level came up, so we agreed to go for it. We packed up the car and left on Monday morning. First day drove 11 hours and stopped in Salt Lake City. An interesting town. So clean. Tuesday we arrived in Bluff, Utah to rig our boats for launch on Wednesday morning. Tuesday night I saw the brightest shooting star I have ever seen, and I interpreted it as a good sign. I won't recount the whole trip today, as I have homework to catch up on. Stay tuned...

I have not yet heard from TSPC, but let's hope the license went through. Job prospects are on the horizon. Say a little prayer.

I ran the day before I left, and then ran the day after I returned. I am a little sore after my second day back (today), but I did do some hiking in the canyons and rowing on the river that used all sorts of different muscles, so I don't think I lost much endurance. I think I am ready to bump up to some 5 mile runs. I would really like to find a new course though. I am thinking of the canal, though that would leave a serious hill at the end of the run. Might do the Happy Girl 5k.

My little girl really missed me. She said she cried at night and sang our favorite songs. Makes my heart ache to think of it. My son went on a field trip to the Portland Zoo and had a great time. This is a big step for him. I am very encouraged. He also turned 10 years old yesterday. It is hard to believe we brought that little bald-headed bundle home 10 years ago today.

I will write more about my adventures in the next week. The trip altered my life in many ways. I am grateful and humbled.

Holly

Karma on a Monday

I had to be awake at 7am this morning. I went to sleep about 3am. Then I was Zombie mother for an hour and a half, and managed to get the children off to school.

Two emails awaited me as I tried to begin my day. First, The TSPC (teacher licensing people) just informed me that my license renewal did not go through. UGH. And, if we don't fix it by May 5th, I lose the $175 fee and have to pay again. Needless to say, it is a good thing I am unarmed. Second, the San Juan River does not have enough water in it. Why does this matter? Because I was supposed to be floating down it in the near future. This is disappointing to say the least. Unless there is a miracle rainstorm, the deal is off. Maybe it will turn into something even more spectacular...

So, after my little injury I had three of the greatest runs. I ran two, three, then four miles!! I was pretty stoked. Took Saturday off, of course, but worked my bootie off cleaning the storage area and the shed. I was feeling pretty powerful. The only time I could run yesterday was at 4pm and it was 80 degrees. Still did three miles, though. Felt like I was going to vomit, and/or lose bladder control, but hey, I made it through. Today was hot as well, but I managed to get out there before noon.

Oh, but wait, I forgot to mention that I was a total cranky person by the end of Saturday. Rude, insensitive. Yep. I have apologized to everyone. But really. Not attractive at all. I blame it on lack of food and surging hormones, but I really think I should be better than that. I hate it when I play the idiot.

The weather has been beautiful these past few days.

The great thing I should mention was Friday night. The kids and I picnicked at Drake Park. The sun was setting. It was beautiful. The kids ran and played and found an echo spot. They laughed and made silly jokes. We eventually walked up to Powell's and Ethan chose gummy bears and Ellie went for the cotton candy machine. We walked for a few blocks, and I realized we might catch my friend Tia celebrating her birthday. And, I was right. They were all sitting outside, so told the kids to watch me. I started singing "Happy Birthday" to her. They did not recognize me at first, but it was a nice moment. Hugs all around, the kids staring at us like we were aliens. We laughed all the way home. I want to put those hours in a time capsule, so I can remember them when I am old and they are a lesser part of my life.

But more importantly, I want them to remember the good times, and not a Zombie or a crank.

One step closer to knowing,

Holly

Just stepping off the curb...

So there I was, leaving the Goodwill store, with my purchase of river hat and cute red skirt for Cinco De Mayo. I stepped off the curb in a pair of my favorite Danskos without seeing the large rock that made my right foot roll to the outside, and down I went like a sack of yams. OUCH. I did not hear any bad sounds or feel anything give, so I was hopeful that it was just a strain. I walked around for another 30 minutes or so, just to feel it out and make certain that it was not too painful, as in, needing to go to Urgent Care or something like that. I have no health insurance, so I really don't need another bill to pay. I came home and wrapped with an ACE bandage, toodled around the house for awhile, sweeping, mopping. I iced it for as long as I could stand and then took a hot shower. There were some twinges, a little cramping, definitely some soreness when I poked around, but I took 4 Ibuprofen after eating and called it good for the day. Of course I did not run, though I had planned to.

There was still bit of soreness this morning, but I was feeling so low today, that I decided to run. I went three miles. In fact, I had to keep myself from running four. It felt great to be out, the music was perfect, then the sun seemed to part the clouds and smile down on me. I really needed it. So, I am not scheduled to take any more rest days until Saturday. We'll see what the next two days bring.

I am really deep in thought about who I was, who I am, what the future holds. Not really a crisis, just a deep attentive observation of my motherhood, my professional direction, my relationships in general. There is quiet and music and noise and laughter and beauty and fear and light and color and so much more. How do I go from cute skirt to this existential mumbling?

When did I stop paying attention?

Where did the week go?

Hello my anonymous onlookers,

I really don't want to sink back in to old bad habits, but I think I have been heading that direction. My week was a distracted mess. I know this was partially due to the return of my chronic insomnia. It really leaves my brain muddled and usually leads to headaches. I got to the end of the week and wondered, what did I do this week? My music is suffering too. I have hardly practiced and this is really not the time to slow down. My school work was not the best either. I have to admit I am burnt out with this online business, and I'm only half way through. My upcoming vacation will hopefully help all of this inertia when it comes to motivation.

On the plus side, I met my running goal, getting back to 14 miles this week. I did not do the 3-2-3. My musculoskeletal system is not ready for that apparently. Especially after the 4 miler at the beginning of the week. I am really learning some lessons in paying attention and taking it slow. (Again, in running and in life.) I still have not gotten myself into any cross training either. Not anything structured, anyway.

I saw "The Hunger Games" last night. I have read all three of the books and loved them. I sometimes feel embarrassed to admit it, because it is considered "Young Adult Literature", but whatever. At any rate, I did enjoy the movie on the whole. The beginning seemed a little weird to me, but once it got going, I liked it quite a bit. I feel like so much was left out, but it was nearly 2.5 hours long and you can only do so much...

Most exciting: RIVER TRIP!!!! Going to voyage on the San Juan River this May. I cannot really describe how excited I am to be on a river trip again. Makes me very, very happy.

Disappointed about no trivia tonight, but on the plus side, there will be improv.

My mind is full of so many thoughts about my life: direction, meaning, etc. I want to act in good conscience, with integrity. I guess I feel a little guilty about all the spare time I have to make a change in the world, or even just in my little family. My son was really testing the limits this week and I am feeling a bit unnerved, and afraid of the changes that I need to make and how he will endure them. Parenting is not for sissies, people.

Time to meditate, I guess.

Have a great week.

Holly

Happy Easter!

Running this past week was nothing to be proud of. But since I start my running "week" on Saturday, I am doing well so far this week. Four miles yesterday and not much, if any, residual twinges, etc. I have decided not to run today, as I trudged up and down the hill at Wanoga Snow park for about two hours, and judging by my smell, I worked out plenty. And I have Improv tonight. See all the justification!!!

Tomorrow is supposed to be a lovely day, other than the fact that I have to get up at 7am. Ugh. It is all in the interest of harmony, though. And maybe I'll get a big fresh, start on the day. (hahaha) So tomorrow I am going to start another 3-2-3 and see how it goes. Really need to get the core work in, though. My body is talking to me. Particularly my back. And there is some opposition from the right lower leg which I am wondering if it's shinsplints or just weakness from my injury. At any rate, denial is the key.

Mmmm. See, another theme. Denial. Some of us are so good at it, we can scarcely face the truth. It always turns up again, though. "Like a bad penny", as they say. Staring you right in the face, smiling, wooing you with it's eyes. Enough!

I am really staring to freak out about performance anxiety. On stage, yes. But if I start freaking out about freaking out, does that cancel it out? i think not. Maybe I need to create the onstage persona, instead of being me. That's probably how all those famous folks do.



Over and out,

Holly J

I completed a 3-2-3. That means 8 miles in 3 days. However, the fatigue was still there on the run yesterday. The wind was blowing, but I still should have felt better than I did. I was happy that it wasn't raining or snowing, and the wind was only medium-blustery. I had some great random songs to help me through it. Man, I don't know how I used to run without my little nano. I used to make fun of people like me. I may have mentioned that before.

After the run I went to band practice. I could barely sing. I felt dizzy and sick. My hands started to shake. I didn't want to seem like a baby, so I didn't say much of anything, but toward the end, I thought I might pass out. I was so glad to go home. I had just a bite of food--literally-- and then I started to feel a bit better. I made myself a large, spicy dinner. I started to feel much better. I was still tired, but I was able to get the kids off to bed and then rally to finish the paper that was due by midnight. It was initially hard to get out of bed this morning, but once I was up, I felt pretty energized. I swept and mopped all the floors, dusted and vacuumed, cleaned the kitchen. I feel okay now, but I am wondering what the run will be like tomorrow.

The next couple of days will be busy. Students, more homework, getting ready for Easter. Seems like most things are planned and ready to go, so tonight, I might just relax and read a book. Crazy, I know. I have not even been able to talk literature for quite some time, as I have been reading textbooks and writing papers and responses.

It is so great to have my little ones back. That bone-deep loneliness I felt is gone. What will I do when they grow up? I suppose things will have changed by then, and they will have spent many days away, and won't need me hardly at all. But, let's not think of that, shall we? Let's think of Wednesday afternoons with slurpees and popcorn and cuddles on the couch.

Until next time,

Holly J

Here comes the Sun!!

After the dark night, comes the dawn.

It is beautiful outside and once the school traffic dissipates, I am running. My legs were actually sore today from the run yesterday. I think it was due to having to fight against the wind. So I am tempted to nix the two mile hill run, but just feel like something different than Larkspur. I guess I could drive over to the river trail, but that seems like a waste of gas since I don't really need to go over there. Hmm. I will think about it.

I have much to do, but am currently avoiding homework, house cleaning, bill paying. Those things do not seem like fun. I want to frolic. I am also still feeling tired. I guess I am going to try some iron supplements and see if that helps. Can't figure if it's the weight loss, my hormones, or some secret disease that I have yet to discover. Really hoping against the disease part.

Don't have much else to say today. My mind is kind of blank. In need of inspiration, so I think I'll run, shower, eat, play music....and just maybe some homework.

Enjoy the sun!!

Holly J

April Fool

April Fools are rampant. Like the one typing right now. I apologize.

I did not run yesterday as I was not mentally there. Basically, just not feeling it. So I went out to dinner, came home, and paid homage to my brother, Kendall Jackson, with a bottle of his wine and a stupid movie. Just as he would have liked it. Cheers, my brother.

I slept for about 8 hours and then just lay in bed for awhile thinking. I feel pretty humbled right now. Thank you and I am sorry, my friends, for my attitude these past few days. I have been acting like a spoiled child.

Just returned from a 3 mile run. I feel like it straightened me out a bit. The wind was (again) blowing from nearly every direction and I was struggling hard to feel good. And there is the metaphor for my life again. Why am I struggling so hard to feel good?

When did I stop seeing things as a challenge and start carrying burdens?

I was working on my dryer for two weeks, hitting that reset button over and over again, but did not find the problem. Two twisted coils, sitting too close, creating too much heat.
Okay, enough metaphor for one day. I am making myself ill with all this stupidity.

Sunday, April 1st. Still running. Still have a roof overhead. Still have four healthy children. Still have a good number of friends to listen, to share, to make me laugh when I need it most. Still have hope.

Thank you again, my friends.

The end of the whatevers

So, for the first time since I started running about six weeks ago, I took 2 days off in a row, three days off in one week. Shocking. I feel fairly indifferent about it, but then I feel fairly indifferent about everything, which is not a good sign. I feel fatigued, unmotivated, grumpy, and downright taciturn.

Given all of my circumstances, it is not that surprising.

I did finally resolve the college issue, but not yet to my satisfaction, and I think I am going to commit to all twelve rounds (are there 12 or 16?).

I did not revise my resume, begin cross training or change the tires on the van. Why? who the hell knows. Well I do know, i just don't want to talk about it.

I have a serious case of the "whatevers" and I am ashamed of myself. I let it color my time with others and it stinks.

At least I went running today, and it was raining, like really raining. And I still went through with it. Committed to a few things anyway. I know I need to go tomorrow. There is also the offer of salsa lessons. Hmmm.

Well, despite the fact I could not start my class until Wednesday, I did catch up by Wednesday night.

Okay. Need to declare the end of the whatevers. It is not attractive, productive....yeah, whatever.

Spring Broken

Hello again my friends,
I hate to complain about something as lame as the weather, but really??? I don't remember so many days of blustery, cloudy ick in the season of spring. I don't care so much about the cold, but I can do without the wind and the rain. My plan was to do four miles today. I need to do at least three. Harumph. Maybe there will be a break in the weather later this afternoon. Say a little prayer. I know I can do it. It's temporary. 4 miles. That's all. Put on your shoes and go.

Oh, the blister. On Saturday after my run, and the consequent shower, I noticed the skin was completely dead, so I chopped it off. Underneath was healed. YAY. I have only run once since then, so I am hoping this is a good trend. I am noticing a little twingy-ness in my shins, so I think I am going to keep my mileage the same for a few more weeks. I also had some transient pain in my left knee yesterday, but I think I'm just feeling my age. Or maybe I could get that cross-training thing going finally.

I am having a frustrating experience with my college classes. I don't seem to be getting a good response from the administration and the communication there is pretty poor. Really hoping for a solution, but there is very little forthcoming at this point.

My boys are on their way for a visit. I have not seen them for nearly two months, so it will be great to catch up and hang out. The little ones will spend the night tonight, so it will definitely be busy, busy, busy for the next couple of days.

The weekend was fun. Went out to listen to The Substitutes on Saturday. Fun times with some of the Tommy gang. Our trivia team won a spot in the finals on Sunday night, which was really cool. I am becoming a more brave adventurer, getting involved in my community and trying new things. Now I just need to get off the internet and clean the house for awhile.

Or maybe I'll play a little guitar... :)

Peace,

Holly J

Another Friday night...

Geez Louise,
It is not even 9:00 on a Friday night and I am tired. Something is off. I was still able to run yesterday and today. I felt a bit sluggish, but then I did not eat anything until i ran and both times it was mid- to late- afternoon. Probably not enough water either. The blister is in a holding pattern, I think. I hope. I feel like naming it, it has been such a part of me now for so long. Oh, Blister-ey, how I wish thee would become an invisible part of me.

So much to do this week, it seems like I only accomplished maybe half. Music has been suffering. Not practicing. Maybe I will get a second wind tonight and entertain the children. At least I get to have them until tomorrow afternoon. Much better than 9am. Still... Big heavy sigh. For lack or a more original expression: Meh.

I will try for more thoughts and imagination tomorrow, or who knows I may wake up in the middle of the night for an edit.

Keep on keeping' on.

Holly J

So, so tired.

I did not even run today, but I am exhausted.
I did three miles yesterday and had a little bit of blister spread. Grrrr. Took today off because I had one more rest day left in the week and the weather was abysmal. I am telling you, all of these cloudy days are not doing much for my mental health. And, as you locals know, it was wet, slushy snow-rain. Spring? Right. Central Oregon can be a saucy tart this time of year.

I don't have much to add, except that I felt a bit of inspiration tonight about my education path. I need to explore it further and push forward with out fear. (Yeah, right) Okay, try to abate the fear with a bit of faith in myself. And, do the research. I am good at that part.

Not much music today. I have a paper I need to do tomorrow. Other details that I don't have the energy to relate. Still learning and growing and grateful for all that I have.

Holly

Glide and other stuff

Hello friends,
The gargantuan blister still exists. I bought forty-something dollars worth of new-fangled socks. But, that's only three pair. SHEESH. I also put some Glide on the thang. Anyway, I just did the two miles, and I had better results when I stopped half way through and tied the shoe as tight as I could stand it. The skin on the foot still does not look great, but I am doing three miles tomorrow all you nay-sayers. I realize I am tempting fate. But I cannot give up yet. I have bled through the blister stage before, people. I will survive.

This house is too, too quiet. My little ones come back tomorrow, so that is good. Keep me on my toes, and happy to see their little faces.

Not much energy left tonight, folks. I think I am going to hit the hay. New student tomorrow and I have a paper due on Friday that I need to start thinking about.

I am really growing right now, I can feel it.

Peace,

Holly

ps. Spring is here. Right now!!! Celebrate. :)

Hello.
I have really been tripping about time this week. About how minutes, hours, days make an impact. I have also been exploring my anxieties about time lost and time anticipated. Which, I guess, points to the need to live in the present and be mindful of the moments. More on that later.

I spent the better part of three days with the kids. It's was like a little bonus weekend for us during the week. We had fun. The weather was awful, so we went to the "Fun Center"(which I think is like a gambling casino for kids), bowled, created a new game called "soccer pong", watched movies, played board games. I still need to work more on expanding their horizons. I won't see them for most of spring break, and that lies a little heavy on me. Again, it comes back to time. How will I use that time while they are not here? How will I make the most of the time we are together?

Running. I have kept to my schedule. I have an epic blister. I know it is caused by the friction of my orthotic, but I am not certain what to do. I think I am going to get some sock liners and try two pairs. The runs have been a little better. My fatigue has eased a little. I ran a new route yesterday over to the river trail on First Street. The only issue is crossing Hwy 97. I had to stop and wait for traffic for quite a while. Then I had to stop for a train! I did consider trying to beat it as the gates descended, but then I thought I probably shouldn't press my luck. (because I don't believe in luck, right?) Anyway, it was a decent four mile run. I made it to the Elderberry bushes. I really need to institute the cross training. I know my body would feel better if I did. But I am proud of making it through the first month. Very proud.

What else? This week I am determined to solve my education issue, to update my resume and application files, and to play music at least an hour a day. Oh, but I did get my math endorsement paperwork sent in by the district office. Now I use wait on the TSPC...cross your fingers, knock on wood, all that jazz.

Much thanks to my friends for helping me through this week. It was a bumpy ride. Hold on to your friends, maintain those relationships if you can. We're not getting any younger. We will need each other to make it through.

And take some time to think about time.
Love,
Holly

These are the days...

I have much to do these next few days, my friends, so pardon me if I slow down on my writing.

My kids were released from school at 12:00 today and are out for the rest of the week. So, my main goal is to spend their waking hours doing things with them that they will enjoy and remember. They grow so quickly you forget these days. You forget when you could hold them in the crook of your arm, when you were just beginning to discover who they are. We also have school conferences tonight. I have a pretty good idea what each teacher will say, as I am in their classes every week. But going to conferences is what we do, because it's good for all of us. Someday soon they will be going off to high school and college, and these days will be gone. They won't seek my attention the way they do now. They will become more of themselves, and less of what I demand them to be.

The last few days of running have been challenging. Wind and more wind. I really don't care for the weather pattern right now. I have been marking off the miles, though. Yesterday, I did my hill workout, and it was really tough. I could feel my muscles getting heavy and my lungs burning. I have been fatigued this week, so I am not surprised. My body needs more water and less caffeine and other crap. I haven't been eating well, either. But each run continues to hold at least a small whisper of happiness within. Yesterday, I was cooling down the last few blocks, singing to Stevie Wonder out loud. I think I made one of the neighbors smile, or laugh.

Homework. Very disenchanted with this process now. I feel like I am just recycling sentences.

The recent tragedy in Afghanistan is really pulling me back to my pacifist roots. I know why the military does what it does to people. I understand we have to protect ourselves. I understand that violence happens in all parts of the world. It just depresses the hell out of me sometimes that there is so much and there seems to be so little to do. I know there are things you can do, and I hate to even enter into this discussion with myself because I've been here before and it seems selfish and circular. Change the world. Help me figure it out.

Speaking of figuring out, I had a hilarious discussion with a friend about myself. And, I think we came to the conclusion that I make no sense. So, now that we have that established, we can at least laugh at my attempts at interacting with other human beings in any sort of fashion.

Enough, already. We are going to pet kittens and have fun.

Listen to Natalie Merchant:

These are days.
These are the days you might fill with laughter until you break.
These days you might feel a shaft of light make its way across your face.
And when you do you'll know how it was meant to be.
See the signs and know their meaning.
It's true, you'll know how it was meant to be.
Hear the signs and know they're speaking to you, to you.



ps. Don't let the bitterness get the best of you. Let us see the rest of you.


Holly J

Monday is blue.

Woke up in one of those funky moods this morning. Can't really explain. Probably need to run the bugs out.

SOoooOOO. I ran 5 Miles on Saturday. I have not run 5 miles--continuous--in my 40s. There was the Turkey Trot debacle last November, but I had to stop and walk, so that does not count. The run started out fine. I had good weather, good music, good feeling. I ran from home all the way to the Senior Center, part way around the loop at the park. Most of the time I felt good. Some twinges here and there, mostly in the shin splint area, which had me a bit concerned. The last mile was challenging. It felt awful in the moment. Then "All You Need is Love" started playing as I charged up the incline out of the tunnel. My first thought was that I needed a more uptempo song, but then I started thinking about it, listening to the lyrics; really focusing on them. And I remembered that is why I am on this journey. I love running. I love the peace that it gives me. I love that I am a better person when I have run, not only am I more centered, healthier, and confident but because of that I function in all my roles more effectively. So, in that last 4 or five minutes, as I could feel every joint screaming for relief, I thought, what a gift. How much longer will I be able to have this gift? And, as I limped up to my front door, I felt proud and happy and relieved.

How many things or people in your life make you feel these kind of good feelings? Family, friends, spirituality, music, nature... Better not let them languish into non-existence. You will lose them, my friends.

Here are some lyrics I was thinking about the last few days

At that time my heart was all broke
I looked like ashes and smelled like smoke
And I turned away from my loving kind
Tried to leave my body and live in my mind
But it's much too much emotion
To hold it in your hand
They've got waves out on the ocean
They're gonna wear away the land

Now I am back in my body, trying not to live in my mind all the time. I am so very fortunate to have friends who are willing to be there with me and for me. And, to be a mother to four amazing human beings who teach me every day to live in the present.

Sorry to get all sentimental on you. It is a very windy day, and I need to run, but I know it won't be easy. I am going to bundle up and get out there.

Oh, I finally figured out how to format paragraphs on this thing, so now I'll need to go back and edit. Yeah, I am technologically challenged.

All you need is love,

Holly

It's a Beautiful Day

Don't let it get away, as the song says. I think it was about 70 degrees today. I tried to spend as much time in the sun as possible, but I don't know if I can ever get enough this time of year. The winters are long, although, this winter has been plenty kind.

I wrote a new song today while I was sitting next to my middle school student, on their veranda, in the sun. Sometimes these tutoring assignments are too easy. Not complaining at all by the way. Just a nice kid, nice mom, respect and all that good stuff. He is super smart, but I think he just likes to be reassured. Pretty damn great job, I tell ya.

No running today. I contemplated it heavily because it was such good weather, but I think I am going to be able to coordinate the five-miler between Pokemon tournament and play date. Who knows what the possibilities are? Anyway, I needed the rest day to get me ready for the challenge. It is supposed to be in the mid-fifties tomorrow, which is perfect running weather. If I don't have to fight the wind, that would be a bonus.

I am really struggling with my choice between the reading endorsement and the ESOL. Compelling reasons for both paths, and I am avoiding the issue because I am so afraid of making the wrong decision. But that is my life in a nutshell--passionate and paralyzed. Good song though. Might share it someday.

Continued prayers for Garret and Penny. May all my beloved friends and family be well.
Holly

Happiness is...

"When you're Happy for No Reason, you bring happiness to your outer experiences rather than trying to extract happiness from them. You don't need to manipulate the world around you to try to make yourself happy. You live from happiness, rather than for happiness." - Marci Shimoff..

A friend of mine posted this on her wall earlier today, and it knocked me upside the head. I live in such a privileged world, where I can get in my car, drive to a destination and buy anything I really need. My children are healthy and happy. I live in a nice house. I have lovely things including this machine that I am using to write this message. I feel unsatisfied, at times because I want people and other such things, including myself, to be perfect. I want to be happy. But how long will I chase my tail in this pursuit? Forever, I think.

Today was the third run in a row. First time I have run three days in a row for YEARS. Beautiful day on the river trail today. The sun was shining and it smelled like spring. The music was great.

I am supposed to run 5 miles on Saturday, but I have a child care issue.. I can't imagine doing it on the track... Hopefully there will be some providence forthcoming. But 5 miles!!! Wow. See, I should be happy about that. Sigh.

Speaking of music. I am feeling a great lack of confidence. Probably just a side-effect of the general tail-chasing. I need to live in a spirit of being grateful, instead of the spirit of wanting.

Smile,

Holly

Another day in the sun, snow, sun, cold, sun...

It has definitely, so far, been a week of contrast. Yesterday was a rest day, and I think I actually needed the run, as I was rather anxious, and in need of the relief of pounding the pavement. However, though I did not run, I was fortunate. The universe keeps on giving. I was able to have breakfast with a long ago friend and give her a ride to the airport. It was such a great thing to connect with her and realize how chaotic our lives were when we were friends in middle school and how little we talked about it at the time. And, even more wonderful, how comfortable we seemed to feel together, despite the grown-up differences in our lives. Motherhood had been a fearful prospect, but changed us both in a positive way. What a gift.

On a minor matter, this annoying small claims case was finally dismissed. Though it cost me $50 to contest the case, and hours of my time, I proved that I was in the right, for whatever it's worth. Well, technically it was worth $400.

Back to the contrast. When I left the house to run today, it was sunny. There were clouds in the sky, but it was sunny, and about 5 minutes in, it started to blow snow. Most of the run still felt fairly good. There were moments that I did not enjoy, but again, there are many moments in life that we will not enjoy. If we focus on those moments, then why even get out of bed? Because of all the other moments, that is why. There is so much love to give. Remember that above all. Don't hold back. Give love.

Last two days running has been lovely. Great weather. I mean GREAT weather for the first few days of March. It makes up for the cold dump of snow that threatened to break my ankles. Although, I have to state for the record that staying up late at the karaoke bar did not do much for my energy level the next day. Today, I ran my "hill" run over past Hollinshead, and I was just thinking about how many times I had been to the park with my kids, pelting each other with crabapples or building piles of leaves to jump on, when, suddenly, there they were, right across the street. And I don't generally go running in the morning, but there we were, same time, same place. Cool.

I have many big things looming on the education front. I need to make a decision about the direction my schooling is headed, and I am not getting any big kick in the rear from the universe,or more likely, I am not paying close enough attention. Hmmm.

Life is good. I have good friends who are generous and kind. Don't forget that. Someday they will be gone. Tomorrow I get to see my best friend from middle school. I am totally thrilled. Oh, one other super-fun thing. My son Joe called to ask me what my all-time favorite rock and roll song was. First of all, how can you pick one with so much great music??? So I told him I'd think about my top five, but not in any specific order. Can anyone guess?

The Postman Rings Twice

The weather is not letting up this week. Stormy. Hmmmm. Not willing to tolerate the treadmill for three miles yesterday, I ventured forth. As I drove home from tutoring my student, I thought I might just be able to dress and beat the gathering storm. No such luck. As I ran, I thought about a great many things, but mostly I thought about the sleet blowing up my nose. Then, just after connecting with the Larkspur trail that ventures behind the residential area, the sun came out, a Jason Mraz song started playing, and I felt great for about three whole minutes. The wind was still blowing during my return home, but I felt a moment of triumph. Oh, I forgot to mention: I WENT OUT 45 SECONDS FASTER. Yep.

Today, I have no focus. I feel adrift. I have this job application to finish. I am frustrated because I have applied to this institution before, and they seem to have lost my info., so now I have to go through the tedious process of re-entering addresses, phone numbers. That made me lose focus even more. So, now I have decided to clean things, and even then I lose focus. I started washing the couch and left the water running in the sink because I was also doing the dishes and cleaning off the counters. Meanwhile, I started to prep for vacuuming my bedroom. You might say I have an attention problem. And now here I am writing, hoping for some sort of relief or inspiration. I feel a lack of inspiration in nearly every activity: teaching, job application, homework, preparing house for new house mate, the weekend. Blech. I need to run 2 miles today, too. I think I'll like that. I need some soccer. I need some adventure. And honestly, I can't even talk about politics anymore. It is making me apathetic, too. Not a good trend here. Reading Ellen Degeneres, bu that is kind of like chewing gum instead of eating dinner. Keeps you busy for awhile , but not satisfying.

Greetings, My first week of running totaled 12 miles. I am very proud to have gotten through the week injury free, and with a renewed love of running. My low point so far has been the two miles I did on the treadmill yesterday. The snow and ice pushed me to the gym. But tomorrow, I am chancing it on the road. I will just take it easy and go for Larkspur, as I feel the terrain will be most forgiving. Hopefully, the weather will begin to cooperate. And because of the snow, I hope to try to ski this weekend. On other fronts, the children are exchanging a virus, and I feel it coming on, but I refuse to give in. I am going to do my best to take advantage of the time I have and rest.

On a personal note, thank you my friends, for being with me these past weeks, months, years. Each day I appreciate more and more the support I have had and continue to have. New friends and old have injected my life with so much joy.

Musically, I am hanging in there. I am still attempting to at least look at it every day. I am hoping for a keyboard. I am looking for venues. I must get some sleep.

Running against the wind

Well, I have been out of touch for almost two weeks. Much has happened. Most importantly, blog-wise, I started to run again. It all began last Saturday in Portland, Oregon--back where my running began when I was a teenager. My first run I left from the hotel room, turned on my Nano, and Bob Seger's "Running Against the Wind" was playing. It was too perfect. I ran past Lincoln High School, up the hill to Washington Park. I could not have felt better about it. The weekend itself was nice too. Revisited my old Mt. Tabor neighborhood, visited with friends, attended a web-series screening, ate good food, and even paid a visit to Darcelle's. The next day I ran again. It was just as lovely. It was difficult to come back to Bend. I wanted to stay in the "other place" that was not home. However, after taking a rest day and reorienting my self with reality, I have completed two more runs. First, I ran out on the Larkspur Trail which is probably my favorite (so far) that I can just go to from my front door. The next run was just a simple out and back over by Hollinshead, and it was a blue sky, setting sun and cool, crisp February air. So, it's not so bad being home after all. Running has been good for me, even though I am only on day 7. I am forgiving myself for being older and broken. I am taking everything one day at a time, constantly evaluating for soreness, twinges, pushing too hard. That is why my running is such an apt metaphor for my life. I want to enjoy it, push through the pain if I can, without permanent injury.

Other parts of life are springing anew. My music career(ha!) is taking some turns. I am hoping to purchase a keyboard and perhaps leave the guitar playing to the pros. Although I was rather proud of myself for adapting an Alison Krauss song earlier this week. I am going to try my hand at song writing again. I haven't been able to accomplish much reading or other pursuits. My classes have been busy, and other responsibilities take my time. Until next time, Holly

Busy, busy bee

Whew! I can't believe it was a weekend. It was like a week of a weekend. All four children in the house leads to exhaustion, so everyone forgive me for my energy level. But, I laughed and cooked, and generally had a wonderful time.

I am working on a Literature Review for my masters program. It is about parent volunteerism at the high school level. My parents never volunteered at any level that I can remember, but I have been one for my little ones the last few years. The number of volunteers decrease as children age through the school system. In addition there is a certain amount of exclusion due to race, language barriers, socio-economic level, etc. I am hoping to do a project in one of the high schools that welcomes parent volunteers from all walks of life, and educates school staff and administration how to best use volunteers.

Running? A little. I found my old running schedule from back in the old days, so I think I'm going to try it again with the minute vs. mile approach. I would like to do a 5k in June and a 10 in August/Sept. There are many other things on my mind, but I am still processing. Life is changing once again. Holly j

St. Valentine's Day

So, I was watching some network television tonight (gasp), and it was all Valentine-y. I don't really know how to feel about V.D. I can't really remember a certain year when it was totally, amazingly romantic. And why should it be? It is an artifice. But, for those who get all romantic about it, maybe it's wonderful. Maybe I'm just unlucky in that regard. maybe I'm just tired and cranky, because I have been formatting my APA paper for two nights in a row and I feel like someone should give me a really great massage and rock me to sleep to soothe the pain.

Well, anyway, I have some cool stories to tell, but I think they will need to wait for another day. I have a full day tomorrow. All my children will be in the same house. I have a paper to finish. And I need to trust that every little thing is gonna be all right. Holly J

Hump Day

Happy Wednesday! Well, I think I got over the hump. (so to speak) Good news: fell asleep before 11pm. Bad news: child woke me up at 3:45am. No, I did not run. Was not in the mood yesterday when I had the time. Homework: still much to do, but feeling almost inspired about my project. Music: still listening and figuring out what might work. World: everyone still doing what they do best---obstruction. My daughter wrote me a "ticket" for not smiling. Kids are so intuitive. At least this one is. She's a Sagittarius, so she's teaching mommy about the depths. Anyway, seems like I need to pay the fine and stay out of trouble with the law. So, if the clouds will go visit some other part of the planet, I will run tomorrow. Swimming tonight to get all the kinks out. Keep on keeping on. Holly

What a difference a day makes.

Two days in a row without running, and I must admit, it's because I'm a wimp. I used to run at night when it was 18 degrees out, but now, a couple of days of inversion--not the beer--and I am insta-weenie. At any rate, I am still feeling okay. I think swimming is on the schedule tomorrow. Thursday, hope for a run in the Sun. On other fronts, my music is slowly improving. I have been taught a few new chords, and as usual, forgotten most of them right away. Now, can we get a venue or two? I am open to ideas. I have a literature review due in another week, and a full weekend ahead of me. I am going to study how parent involvement at the high school level impacts students. I think parents are more reluctant to volunteer at this grade level. I am going to have to pull out the research-paper-cram-magic-stuff. I don't have any great thoughts tonight, just want to keep writing for the exercise. That screenplay is going to write itself pretty darn soon. Cheers, my friends.

What a week, what a life.

I am excited about new adventures. Yes, I finally started running again. It was nothing monumental. Tried to run most of the way up the Butte, nearly passed out, ran three laps and back down. Then I was monumentally sore for the next three days...Getting old here people. Tried out a new soccer team, which turned out to be a bust. I won't bore you with the details. I have stared to sing, as in, for performance. Me. This scares the crap out of me, but it is good. It is something I have wanted to do for a long time, but was either too afraid or it wasn't the right situation. Anyway, trying to think up names for "the band". Oh, and I just finished up being part of the rock opera"Tommy". It was a horrible and wonderful experience. Horrible because I wasted a ton of time being angry and frustrated and we struggled the first few performances. Wonderful because a few people forgave me and I made some new friends. I hope I see some of you again. Also, I am taking classes, I guess a second Master's degree. Why? I am not sure anymore. Yes, there are reasons, but they are not that interesting. So, time to flesh out the running schedule, the cross-training, the first race. I had thought Heaven Can Wait, but I think I need to move on to something else. Anyone know of a good 5-8k in may or June? I need something to give me a benchmark. Please, universe, can you make the ugly bad men stop saying stupid stuff on the TV? Guess I'll have to wail until November. Holly j