I had a training from 8 to 4, so I had to entrust my children---at school at at home--to others. I like to be in control of things, in case you have not noticed, or maybe you just don't know me that well. I went to the training. The instructor played "The Day the Music Died" near the end of the day. That was quite a moment. Being named after Buddy Holly and knowing every word in that song and being asked what it made me think of. It made me think about my father, and music and many other connected things in a new way. I actually enjoyed the training, but I was distracted all day. I am not entirely sure why. I just had an unsettled feeling.
Anyway, everything seemed to go well today, except the bleeding is crazy again. And there are some other complications that I don't want to go into detail about, other than to say that small towns are fraught with situations that leave you to make difficult choices, even about who can be your doctor. Frustrating. I wish people would keep things to themselves. Especially professionals. I have higher standards. I don't share anything that would even potentially compromise anyone. I am pretty disappointed in a few people in the last few days. I guess I have to keep things close to my chest now. Sad, really, because I feel I have always been very respectful of confidential information shared with me, and the others in this situation just seem to think it is fodder for their gossip or whatever.
On to better things. Have confirmed 30 hours per week now. It will start on Monday. It's a huge foothold, and I need to focus on creating a path to what I really want. I think that the universe is giving me a hand up, and I better respond. There are many encouraging things.
Had a difficult moment with my daughter last night. It is hard to balance the love and discipline sometimes. I want to solve her problems, but I have to hold her accountable all the same. I also need to step up and have a real conversation with her father. We are adults. It has been six years. It is time to actually talk to each other face to face and start making a future for these kids. I am ready. I have finally let go of what I needed to. I am my own woman. It only took nearly 45 years.
The thing about letting go is that it is sad, because what you were holding on to had some meaning for you, became a part of who you are. But it is also freeing, because it opens up the space for you to be whoever you want to be, instead of the prison of definitions you were in; the frustrated ex-wife, the lonely single mother, the abused daughter, the unfulfilled dreamer. Whatever is holding you back, you have to let it go. Believe me, I have a lot of "let-go" on my list, but it seems easier and easier the more I let go. And, the space it has created is multidimensional. And it takes a great degree of courage and love and radical acceptance of what is. Also, if I haven't already said it, it does not feel good at first, but it does get better.
A quote from the Dalai Lama:
"Mentally, physically and emotionally we are the same. We each have the potential to good and bad and to be overcome by disturbing emotions such as anger, fear, hatred, suspicion and greed. These emotions can be the cause of many problems. On the other hand if you cultivate loving kindness, compassion and concern for others, there will be no room for anger, hatred and jealousy."
hollyj
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