A lot going on here.

Well, first of all the running. I went the three mile distance again today and then on a walkabout. It is a good thing. I need to wear  myself out apparently. (The sleep meds I'm using only last four hours, so guess when I wake up? Four hours after taking it.) I think I have slept better on the nights I run or play soccer. Anyway, it was wind and rain and a good playlist. I was slow, but still happy that I followed through. So, I think I'll walk up the butte tomorrow and run on Tuesday. Then we'll see how I feel.

Speaking of soccer. We barely lost on Thursday. One of our lovely strikers, who is probably at least 15 years younger, was so positive. "It's only our second game!" she said. I really need to stop taking things so personally. But I also want to be more effective, because who knows how much longer I can play?   Sidenote: I had a secret fan present. Interesting.

Work is...um...well, it is work. Can't say much at this juncture, but I am hoping and praying and putting some real energy into what could be a positive change. It's very hard to want something badly and know it probably won't happen. But if you never try for what you really want, then I think you have already lost. I am a black hole optimist.

The rest...
Still sorting through all my life, physically, mentally, emotionally. Love is challenging, no matter what shape or form it comes in. Defining friendship has been difficult lately. Setting boundaries can cost you.  But if a person does not respect them, then what kind of friend is that?

One last thing:
I have not touched my instruments (musical ones, stay with me here) for weeks. It was painful to even listen to music for a while, because it touches me so deeply. I hope I can get to the point where it comes back for me. There is a great musical coming up that I would like to audition for, but it calls for a major commitment and it would probably mean I can't go on river trips, which may not be an option anyway. I have a few weeks to decide.

ps. have 5 baby kittens to raise for the next month or so. The mama is here though, so its easy and good to help another bunch of little fuzzy beings.

Hollyj

One little step for Holly, one giant leap for...space

I went running today.

Finally.

My knee is sore, because I am so out of shape that the muscles are letting the bones wander a bit. But I did it. Current plan is to get at least a brisk walk in tomorrow, play soccer on Thursday, and then depending on how I feel, run again Friday or Saturday. Maybe even some weights, as one friend suggested.

Soccer went well. We did not win, but for our first game, it was ok. We had a nice comeback in the 2nd half. I have to play with more confidence. I like that team. I want to earn my keep and not play like an old lady.

Other than that, things are pretty much the same. Job is still a bit frustrating with more changes to come. And I think I better start being Mary Sunshine, or people will get sick of my diatribe about needing hours, benefits, etc. I plan to make banana bread on Thursday night to cheer everyone up on Friday.

A sad thing has been happening the past week or so. I have realized that I don't really have many friends that don't want/expect anything from me. How did it end up this way? I feel cranky about it. I hate saying "no", but otherwise, I compromise myself.

Still making changes. The house is in disarray. I really want to just start pitching things in the garbage, but I don't want to be completely irresponsible. I just need clean, clear space in my life.
I need one of those clutter nazis to shove me around and force me to let it go. Let all the clutter go. Create space in my mind.

That's all for now. Tomorrow is an early day. Maybe I'll walk the butte before school!!

Prayers, thoughts and meditations are always welcome.

Hollyj

Hollyj 3.0

Wow.
Today is my oldest son's 24th birthday. He is entering his 25th year. Mind blown. Somehow his early twenties are all but gone. I am really so proud of him. Despite the slings and arrows that life has thrown at him, he carries on, one foot in front of the other, better than his mother most days. He is smart and funny and just a very likable person.

I had a bit of a bottoming out yesterday, and I am not certain why. Obviously, there is a lot on my plate right now with the new school year, the changes in schedule, the relationship status, the demanding ex-husband, and my determination to really make some changes in how I approach life and all of my relationships. But after the emotions subsided, I became aware of my inability to handle frustration, and the ways I continue to seek escape.

School is so different this year, and I am trying not to focus on the things I don't like, but it is hard. I wish they would just hire me full time. I am praying for it. What a gift that would be. But, it would take a small miracle, I'm sure.

I start soccer on Thursday. I am SO out of shape. I have a race I want to do on 10/19 though, so maybe I will finally get motivated. I need to remember when I started this blog that I was 20+ lbs. heavier and still managed to slog through the miles. Where did that girl go? I hope to find her soon. Actually I hope to find an even better version of her. An update, maybe a new Operating System?

Happy Birthday my firstborn. I remember when I first held you, you just stared into my eyes. I held you all night long. I didn't sleep a wink.

Hollyj

Cleaning house

Still not running.

I seem to be going through a clearing out process. The shed, the bedrooms, cleaning carpets, etc. A ton of purging going on here; a desire to wipe things clean and emerge with less clutter in my home and in my mind.

But let's be clear: it is not a perfect process. There are still weeds growing in the yard. I have little piles of things I cannot decide what I should do about. I have lists of projects and hopes and dreams that I don't act upon on a daily or even a weekly basis. I want to be not just better, but to transform into who I should have been all along. I have an urge to show love and compassion, but not letting anyone run me over anymore. Also, I wish to do no more harm.

Time passes by. I worry that it is all still slipping through my fingers. I want to change the world somehow, I want to be a good parent, a good person. I stumble so much as I try to move forward. It is difficult not to lose faith.

One thing has proven to be clear. People do care. People will reach out to every corner if you only ask. You don't have to do anything but ask. And somehow, they believe in you, even when you don't believe in yourself.

Hollyj

Pulling Taffy

No progress in running, and I am feeling SO incredibly fat, that I have to do it tomorrow or I may just jump off the highest place I can haul my body to (jk). But really, it's disgusting. I am going to need to stop this pity party and get on with my life.

These past 9 days have been just a lot of gut wrenching, soul searching kind of stuff that breaks a person down.

In addition, I started work on Wednesday, and with the addition of my son going to middle school, it has been like I am in a taffy pull, stretched out to the max. My day now starts at about 6:30 and keeps rolling until they go off to bed. I know that's just life. I didn't realize how easy i had it. However, if I did not have other stressors right now, I probably wouldn't be whining.

So, as I was whining, a friend asked me to write 15 things I am thankful for:

1. I am thankful that my kids are happy and healthy and that they love me, and they know I love them.
2. I am thankful to have a nice home to live in.
3. I am thankful to have a job that I usually enjoy.
4. I am thankful for my extended family who care about me.
5. I am thankful for my friends who support me unconditionally.
6. I am thankful to have a sound mind and body (for the most part).
7. I am thankful for the new realizations I have had and the path that I have been following.
8. I am thankful to have an education.
9. I am thankful to live in a beautiful place.
10. I am thankful for the freedoms that I enjoy.
11. I am thankful for yummy food.
12. I am thankful for laughter.
13. I am thankful for the many luxuries I enjoy.
14. I am thankful for those who don't really know me but are friendly and kind.
15. I am thankful for music.

I could go on, but right now I have things to do. I have to move forward.

I'll check in tomorrow and let you know if I went running. If I can get to sleep tonight that will be key. I have a wake up call at 10am, so perhaps that will motivate this lazy butt.

Hollyj