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Tuesday, April 30, 2013

All you need is love...and health insurance

Haven't been running. Too tired. Can't seem to handle much of anything. I get myself up for soccer, because others are counting on me and we never have subs. But I know I'm not playing well. I just can't. I am in pain.

Medical issues. One possible diagnosis, then another, then other things which may or may not relate. And money. And work. And other stresses that I have no control over. I am so tired.

I have many blessings. Many people who care, and I know I am loved. Thank you to my partner who has done so much and continues to do more. I love you dearly. You have changed my life. Thanks to my family for supporting me when I need it. Thanks to my other close friends who listen and worry and offer help.

Sometimes, whether you believe or not, you just need prayers, positive thoughts.

And if this is a wake-up call, I am listening.

HollyJ

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Monkeys

It has been a long time my friends, three weeks or so. My running is still at once or twice a week, but I am playing soccer 2x/week, and I have been justifying this, but let's be real. It seems if I don't run more like 2-3 times per week, then I gain weight. No that much, but that kind of weight that tells you your muscles are smaller and your fat deposits are bigger. I am thinking maybe of quitting soccer for the time being and getting back to the running part of things. Not that any of that is super important, but I like to feel strong, light and powerful.

The fly in the ointment: I have not been feeling well. Tummy troubles I think. So, when I have gone running, I feel quite a bit of fatigue. Is that because I have not been running consistently or because I am sick? Don't know, but apparently they are putting tubes in me with the cameras attached. Should I post the film? :)
No coffee, no Pepsi, no alcohol. I think I have become a rather morose person because of this.

Oh, and my car broke down a little over a week ago. Yeah. Wondering about whether this is karma for a past life or my current one.

Hiring season is here, and I just feel a lack of motivation to do what needs to be done and put myself on that hamster wheel again, so I can go to interviews for jobs that have already been filled.

Then there is the Boston Marathon. I don't pretend to understand people, not really. But if you are a runner then you know how much that moment meant to those people, and more importantly, how those that lost limbs and lives, and how their families must feel. It is way beyond my understanding.

To say the least, It has been rough the last week or more.

And I am just now seeing the truth of what my relationship is. I have to decide whether to assign meaning, and what exactly is important, and get rid of the monkey that is on my back, no matter what.

Carry on,

Holly

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

And then...

It is very interesting to me to look at the gauge and see when people are checking in. Don't think I don't notice. But hey, it is a blog after all, so if you know who I am, then I guess certain moments may become more interesting than others. Okay, enough vague references.

We all survived spring break. I had a good time with the little ones. We did Oaks Park, the Portland Aquarium, Powell's Books :) and then went down to Salem to see the big boys and explore the children's museum. We spent a ton of time in the hotel pool and jacuzzi. We got an upgrade--with a discount--in our room, as I could not get wifi (horror) and the bathtub was clogged. It was kind of funny to tell the kids at bedtime,"Pick up everything and throw it into the car, we're moving." Did not faze them a bit. But they are really cool kids, so why am I surprised?

The weather in Salem was beautiful, and my friend Doug took me to a local park to run. It was the best run I have had in quite some time. At first the sun was out, partly cloudy, and as I was looping around the park, drinking the sea-level air, blissing out on music and my 44-year-old invulnerability, a double rainbow appeared in the sky. There was this father and his four sons playing soccer, a Lacrosse practice, people half my age struggling to make it up the negligible incline. I felt like I was master of the universe. Why can't runs always be that way?

Returned home and I was exhausted. Been having some health issues, but it was more than that. It was mental fatigue from doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I slept and slept and slept. I watched tv, I read a book. I did a few domestic tasks. Yesterday I finally ran again. It wasn't great. I am easily fatigued and aching. It hurts to type right now. My body is trying to tell me something. Don't have much control over it. And I have a friend who is MIA, which worries me.

There were a few bright spots: reconciliation and a night out with the girls, which gave me some renewal and affirmation.

And then, and then, and then...