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Friday, March 30, 2012

The end of the whatevers

So, for the first time since I started running about six weeks ago, I took 2 days off in a row, three days off in one week. Shocking. I feel fairly indifferent about it, but then I feel fairly indifferent about everything, which is not a good sign. I feel fatigued, unmotivated, grumpy, and downright taciturn.

Given all of my circumstances, it is not that surprising.

I did finally resolve the college issue, but not yet to my satisfaction, and I think I am going to commit to all twelve rounds (are there 12 or 16?).

I did not revise my resume, begin cross training or change the tires on the van. Why? who the hell knows. Well I do know, i just don't want to talk about it.

I have a serious case of the "whatevers" and I am ashamed of myself. I let it color my time with others and it stinks.

At least I went running today, and it was raining, like really raining. And I still went through with it. Committed to a few things anyway. I know I need to go tomorrow. There is also the offer of salsa lessons. Hmmm.

Well, despite the fact I could not start my class until Wednesday, I did catch up by Wednesday night.

Okay. Need to declare the end of the whatevers. It is not attractive, productive....yeah, whatever.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Spring Broken

Hello again my friends,
I hate to complain about something as lame as the weather, but really??? I don't remember so many days of blustery, cloudy ick in the season of spring. I don't care so much about the cold, but I can do without the wind and the rain. My plan was to do four miles today. I need to do at least three. Harumph. Maybe there will be a break in the weather later this afternoon. Say a little prayer. I know I can do it. It's temporary. 4 miles. That's all. Put on your shoes and go.

Oh, the blister. On Saturday after my run, and the consequent shower, I noticed the skin was completely dead, so I chopped it off. Underneath was healed. YAY. I have only run once since then, so I am hoping this is a good trend. I am noticing a little twingy-ness in my shins, so I think I am going to keep my mileage the same for a few more weeks. I also had some transient pain in my left knee yesterday, but I think I'm just feeling my age. Or maybe I could get that cross-training thing going finally.

I am having a frustrating experience with my college classes. I don't seem to be getting a good response from the administration and the communication there is pretty poor. Really hoping for a solution, but there is very little forthcoming at this point.

My boys are on their way for a visit. I have not seen them for nearly two months, so it will be great to catch up and hang out. The little ones will spend the night tonight, so it will definitely be busy, busy, busy for the next couple of days.

The weekend was fun. Went out to listen to The Substitutes on Saturday. Fun times with some of the Tommy gang. Our trivia team won a spot in the finals on Sunday night, which was really cool. I am becoming a more brave adventurer, getting involved in my community and trying new things. Now I just need to get off the internet and clean the house for awhile.

Or maybe I'll play a little guitar... :)

Peace,

Holly J

Friday, March 23, 2012

Another Friday night...

Geez Louise,
It is not even 9:00 on a Friday night and I am tired. Something is off. I was still able to run yesterday and today. I felt a bit sluggish, but then I did not eat anything until i ran and both times it was mid- to late- afternoon. Probably not enough water either. The blister is in a holding pattern, I think. I hope. I feel like naming it, it has been such a part of me now for so long. Oh, Blister-ey, how I wish thee would become an invisible part of me.

So much to do this week, it seems like I only accomplished maybe half. Music has been suffering. Not practicing. Maybe I will get a second wind tonight and entertain the children. At least I get to have them until tomorrow afternoon. Much better than 9am. Still... Big heavy sigh. For lack or a more original expression: Meh.

I will try for more thoughts and imagination tomorrow, or who knows I may wake up in the middle of the night for an edit.

Keep on keeping' on.

Holly J

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

So, so tired.

I did not even run today, but I am exhausted.
I did three miles yesterday and had a little bit of blister spread. Grrrr. Took today off because I had one more rest day left in the week and the weather was abysmal. I am telling you, all of these cloudy days are not doing much for my mental health. And, as you locals know, it was wet, slushy snow-rain. Spring? Right. Central Oregon can be a saucy tart this time of year.

I don't have much to add, except that I felt a bit of inspiration tonight about my education path. I need to explore it further and push forward with out fear. (Yeah, right) Okay, try to abate the fear with a bit of faith in myself. And, do the research. I am good at that part.

Not much music today. I have a paper I need to do tomorrow. Other details that I don't have the energy to relate. Still learning and growing and grateful for all that I have.

Holly

Monday, March 19, 2012

Glide and other stuff

Hello friends,
The gargantuan blister still exists. I bought forty-something dollars worth of new-fangled socks. But, that's only three pair. SHEESH. I also put some Glide on the thang. Anyway, I just did the two miles, and I had better results when I stopped half way through and tied the shoe as tight as I could stand it. The skin on the foot still does not look great, but I am doing three miles tomorrow all you nay-sayers. I realize I am tempting fate. But I cannot give up yet. I have bled through the blister stage before, people. I will survive.

This house is too, too quiet. My little ones come back tomorrow, so that is good. Keep me on my toes, and happy to see their little faces.

Not much energy left tonight, folks. I think I am going to hit the hay. New student tomorrow and I have a paper due on Friday that I need to start thinking about.

I am really growing right now, I can feel it.

Peace,

Holly

ps. Spring is here. Right now!!! Celebrate. :)

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Hello.
I have really been tripping about time this week. About how minutes, hours, days make an impact. I have also been exploring my anxieties about time lost and time anticipated. Which, I guess, points to the need to live in the present and be mindful of the moments. More on that later.

I spent the better part of three days with the kids. It's was like a little bonus weekend for us during the week. We had fun. The weather was awful, so we went to the "Fun Center"(which I think is like a gambling casino for kids), bowled, created a new game called "soccer pong", watched movies, played board games. I still need to work more on expanding their horizons. I won't see them for most of spring break, and that lies a little heavy on me. Again, it comes back to time. How will I use that time while they are not here? How will I make the most of the time we are together?

Running. I have kept to my schedule. I have an epic blister. I know it is caused by the friction of my orthotic, but I am not certain what to do. I think I am going to get some sock liners and try two pairs. The runs have been a little better. My fatigue has eased a little. I ran a new route yesterday over to the river trail on First Street. The only issue is crossing Hwy 97. I had to stop and wait for traffic for quite a while. Then I had to stop for a train! I did consider trying to beat it as the gates descended, but then I thought I probably shouldn't press my luck. (because I don't believe in luck, right?) Anyway, it was a decent four mile run. I made it to the Elderberry bushes. I really need to institute the cross training. I know my body would feel better if I did. But I am proud of making it through the first month. Very proud.

What else? This week I am determined to solve my education issue, to update my resume and application files, and to play music at least an hour a day. Oh, but I did get my math endorsement paperwork sent in by the district office. Now I use wait on the TSPC...cross your fingers, knock on wood, all that jazz.

Much thanks to my friends for helping me through this week. It was a bumpy ride. Hold on to your friends, maintain those relationships if you can. We're not getting any younger. We will need each other to make it through.

And take some time to think about time.
Love,
Holly

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

These are the days...

I have much to do these next few days, my friends, so pardon me if I slow down on my writing.

My kids were released from school at 12:00 today and are out for the rest of the week. So, my main goal is to spend their waking hours doing things with them that they will enjoy and remember. They grow so quickly you forget these days. You forget when you could hold them in the crook of your arm, when you were just beginning to discover who they are. We also have school conferences tonight. I have a pretty good idea what each teacher will say, as I am in their classes every week. But going to conferences is what we do, because it's good for all of us. Someday soon they will be going off to high school and college, and these days will be gone. They won't seek my attention the way they do now. They will become more of themselves, and less of what I demand them to be.

The last few days of running have been challenging. Wind and more wind. I really don't care for the weather pattern right now. I have been marking off the miles, though. Yesterday, I did my hill workout, and it was really tough. I could feel my muscles getting heavy and my lungs burning. I have been fatigued this week, so I am not surprised. My body needs more water and less caffeine and other crap. I haven't been eating well, either. But each run continues to hold at least a small whisper of happiness within. Yesterday, I was cooling down the last few blocks, singing to Stevie Wonder out loud. I think I made one of the neighbors smile, or laugh.

Homework. Very disenchanted with this process now. I feel like I am just recycling sentences.

The recent tragedy in Afghanistan is really pulling me back to my pacifist roots. I know why the military does what it does to people. I understand we have to protect ourselves. I understand that violence happens in all parts of the world. It just depresses the hell out of me sometimes that there is so much and there seems to be so little to do. I know there are things you can do, and I hate to even enter into this discussion with myself because I've been here before and it seems selfish and circular. Change the world. Help me figure it out.

Speaking of figuring out, I had a hilarious discussion with a friend about myself. And, I think we came to the conclusion that I make no sense. So, now that we have that established, we can at least laugh at my attempts at interacting with other human beings in any sort of fashion.

Enough, already. We are going to pet kittens and have fun.

Listen to Natalie Merchant:

These are days.
These are the days you might fill with laughter until you break.
These days you might feel a shaft of light make its way across your face.
And when you do you'll know how it was meant to be.
See the signs and know their meaning.
It's true, you'll know how it was meant to be.
Hear the signs and know they're speaking to you, to you.



ps. Don't let the bitterness get the best of you. Let us see the rest of you.


Holly J

Monday, March 12, 2012

Monday is blue.

Woke up in one of those funky moods this morning. Can't really explain. Probably need to run the bugs out.

SOoooOOO. I ran 5 Miles on Saturday. I have not run 5 miles--continuous--in my 40s. There was the Turkey Trot debacle last November, but I had to stop and walk, so that does not count. The run started out fine. I had good weather, good music, good feeling. I ran from home all the way to the Senior Center, part way around the loop at the park. Most of the time I felt good. Some twinges here and there, mostly in the shin splint area, which had me a bit concerned. The last mile was challenging. It felt awful in the moment. Then "All You Need is Love" started playing as I charged up the incline out of the tunnel. My first thought was that I needed a more uptempo song, but then I started thinking about it, listening to the lyrics; really focusing on them. And I remembered that is why I am on this journey. I love running. I love the peace that it gives me. I love that I am a better person when I have run, not only am I more centered, healthier, and confident but because of that I function in all my roles more effectively. So, in that last 4 or five minutes, as I could feel every joint screaming for relief, I thought, what a gift. How much longer will I be able to have this gift? And, as I limped up to my front door, I felt proud and happy and relieved.

How many things or people in your life make you feel these kind of good feelings? Family, friends, spirituality, music, nature... Better not let them languish into non-existence. You will lose them, my friends.

Here are some lyrics I was thinking about the last few days

At that time my heart was all broke
I looked like ashes and smelled like smoke
And I turned away from my loving kind
Tried to leave my body and live in my mind
But it's much too much emotion
To hold it in your hand
They've got waves out on the ocean
They're gonna wear away the land

Now I am back in my body, trying not to live in my mind all the time. I am so very fortunate to have friends who are willing to be there with me and for me. And, to be a mother to four amazing human beings who teach me every day to live in the present.

Sorry to get all sentimental on you. It is a very windy day, and I need to run, but I know it won't be easy. I am going to bundle up and get out there.

Oh, I finally figured out how to format paragraphs on this thing, so now I'll need to go back and edit. Yeah, I am technologically challenged.

All you need is love,

Holly

Friday, March 9, 2012

It's a Beautiful Day

Don't let it get away, as the song says. I think it was about 70 degrees today. I tried to spend as much time in the sun as possible, but I don't know if I can ever get enough this time of year. The winters are long, although, this winter has been plenty kind.

I wrote a new song today while I was sitting next to my middle school student, on their veranda, in the sun. Sometimes these tutoring assignments are too easy. Not complaining at all by the way. Just a nice kid, nice mom, respect and all that good stuff. He is super smart, but I think he just likes to be reassured. Pretty damn great job, I tell ya.

No running today. I contemplated it heavily because it was such good weather, but I think I am going to be able to coordinate the five-miler between Pokemon tournament and play date. Who knows what the possibilities are? Anyway, I needed the rest day to get me ready for the challenge. It is supposed to be in the mid-fifties tomorrow, which is perfect running weather. If I don't have to fight the wind, that would be a bonus.

I am really struggling with my choice between the reading endorsement and the ESOL. Compelling reasons for both paths, and I am avoiding the issue because I am so afraid of making the wrong decision. But that is my life in a nutshell--passionate and paralyzed. Good song though. Might share it someday.

Continued prayers for Garret and Penny. May all my beloved friends and family be well.
Holly

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Happiness is...

"When you're Happy for No Reason, you bring happiness to your outer experiences rather than trying to extract happiness from them. You don't need to manipulate the world around you to try to make yourself happy. You live from happiness, rather than for happiness." - Marci Shimoff..

A friend of mine posted this on her wall earlier today, and it knocked me upside the head. I live in such a privileged world, where I can get in my car, drive to a destination and buy anything I really need. My children are healthy and happy. I live in a nice house. I have lovely things including this machine that I am using to write this message. I feel unsatisfied, at times because I want people and other such things, including myself, to be perfect. I want to be happy. But how long will I chase my tail in this pursuit? Forever, I think.

Today was the third run in a row. First time I have run three days in a row for YEARS. Beautiful day on the river trail today. The sun was shining and it smelled like spring. The music was great.

I am supposed to run 5 miles on Saturday, but I have a child care issue.. I can't imagine doing it on the track... Hopefully there will be some providence forthcoming. But 5 miles!!! Wow. See, I should be happy about that. Sigh.

Speaking of music. I am feeling a great lack of confidence. Probably just a side-effect of the general tail-chasing. I need to live in a spirit of being grateful, instead of the spirit of wanting.

Smile,

Holly

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Another day in the sun, snow, sun, cold, sun...

It has definitely, so far, been a week of contrast. Yesterday was a rest day, and I think I actually needed the run, as I was rather anxious, and in need of the relief of pounding the pavement. However, though I did not run, I was fortunate. The universe keeps on giving. I was able to have breakfast with a long ago friend and give her a ride to the airport. It was such a great thing to connect with her and realize how chaotic our lives were when we were friends in middle school and how little we talked about it at the time. And, even more wonderful, how comfortable we seemed to feel together, despite the grown-up differences in our lives. Motherhood had been a fearful prospect, but changed us both in a positive way. What a gift.

On a minor matter, this annoying small claims case was finally dismissed. Though it cost me $50 to contest the case, and hours of my time, I proved that I was in the right, for whatever it's worth. Well, technically it was worth $400.

Back to the contrast. When I left the house to run today, it was sunny. There were clouds in the sky, but it was sunny, and about 5 minutes in, it started to blow snow. Most of the run still felt fairly good. There were moments that I did not enjoy, but again, there are many moments in life that we will not enjoy. If we focus on those moments, then why even get out of bed? Because of all the other moments, that is why. There is so much love to give. Remember that above all. Don't hold back. Give love.

Monday, March 5, 2012

Last two days running has been lovely. Great weather. I mean GREAT weather for the first few days of March. It makes up for the cold dump of snow that threatened to break my ankles. Although, I have to state for the record that staying up late at the karaoke bar did not do much for my energy level the next day. Today, I ran my "hill" run over past Hollinshead, and I was just thinking about how many times I had been to the park with my kids, pelting each other with crabapples or building piles of leaves to jump on, when, suddenly, there they were, right across the street. And I don't generally go running in the morning, but there we were, same time, same place. Cool.

I have many big things looming on the education front. I need to make a decision about the direction my schooling is headed, and I am not getting any big kick in the rear from the universe,or more likely, I am not paying close enough attention. Hmmm.

Life is good. I have good friends who are generous and kind. Don't forget that. Someday they will be gone. Tomorrow I get to see my best friend from middle school. I am totally thrilled. Oh, one other super-fun thing. My son Joe called to ask me what my all-time favorite rock and roll song was. First of all, how can you pick one with so much great music??? So I told him I'd think about my top five, but not in any specific order. Can anyone guess?

Thursday, March 1, 2012

The Postman Rings Twice

The weather is not letting up this week. Stormy. Hmmmm. Not willing to tolerate the treadmill for three miles yesterday, I ventured forth. As I drove home from tutoring my student, I thought I might just be able to dress and beat the gathering storm. No such luck. As I ran, I thought about a great many things, but mostly I thought about the sleet blowing up my nose. Then, just after connecting with the Larkspur trail that ventures behind the residential area, the sun came out, a Jason Mraz song started playing, and I felt great for about three whole minutes. The wind was still blowing during my return home, but I felt a moment of triumph. Oh, I forgot to mention: I WENT OUT 45 SECONDS FASTER. Yep.

Today, I have no focus. I feel adrift. I have this job application to finish. I am frustrated because I have applied to this institution before, and they seem to have lost my info., so now I have to go through the tedious process of re-entering addresses, phone numbers. That made me lose focus even more. So, now I have decided to clean things, and even then I lose focus. I started washing the couch and left the water running in the sink because I was also doing the dishes and cleaning off the counters. Meanwhile, I started to prep for vacuuming my bedroom. You might say I have an attention problem. And now here I am writing, hoping for some sort of relief or inspiration. I feel a lack of inspiration in nearly every activity: teaching, job application, homework, preparing house for new house mate, the weekend. Blech. I need to run 2 miles today, too. I think I'll like that. I need some soccer. I need some adventure. And honestly, I can't even talk about politics anymore. It is making me apathetic, too. Not a good trend here. Reading Ellen Degeneres, bu that is kind of like chewing gum instead of eating dinner. Keeps you busy for awhile , but not satisfying.