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Monday, April 23, 2012

Karma on a Monday

I had to be awake at 7am this morning. I went to sleep about 3am. Then I was Zombie mother for an hour and a half, and managed to get the children off to school.

Two emails awaited me as I tried to begin my day. First, The TSPC (teacher licensing people) just informed me that my license renewal did not go through. UGH. And, if we don't fix it by May 5th, I lose the $175 fee and have to pay again. Needless to say, it is a good thing I am unarmed. Second, the San Juan River does not have enough water in it. Why does this matter? Because I was supposed to be floating down it in the near future. This is disappointing to say the least. Unless there is a miracle rainstorm, the deal is off. Maybe it will turn into something even more spectacular...

So, after my little injury I had three of the greatest runs. I ran two, three, then four miles!! I was pretty stoked. Took Saturday off, of course, but worked my bootie off cleaning the storage area and the shed. I was feeling pretty powerful. The only time I could run yesterday was at 4pm and it was 80 degrees. Still did three miles, though. Felt like I was going to vomit, and/or lose bladder control, but hey, I made it through. Today was hot as well, but I managed to get out there before noon.

Oh, but wait, I forgot to mention that I was a total cranky person by the end of Saturday. Rude, insensitive. Yep. I have apologized to everyone. But really. Not attractive at all. I blame it on lack of food and surging hormones, but I really think I should be better than that. I hate it when I play the idiot.

The weather has been beautiful these past few days.

The great thing I should mention was Friday night. The kids and I picnicked at Drake Park. The sun was setting. It was beautiful. The kids ran and played and found an echo spot. They laughed and made silly jokes. We eventually walked up to Powell's and Ethan chose gummy bears and Ellie went for the cotton candy machine. We walked for a few blocks, and I realized we might catch my friend Tia celebrating her birthday. And, I was right. They were all sitting outside, so told the kids to watch me. I started singing "Happy Birthday" to her. They did not recognize me at first, but it was a nice moment. Hugs all around, the kids staring at us like we were aliens. We laughed all the way home. I want to put those hours in a time capsule, so I can remember them when I am old and they are a lesser part of my life.

But more importantly, I want them to remember the good times, and not a Zombie or a crank.

One step closer to knowing,

Holly

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Just stepping off the curb...

So there I was, leaving the Goodwill store, with my purchase of river hat and cute red skirt for Cinco De Mayo. I stepped off the curb in a pair of my favorite Danskos without seeing the large rock that made my right foot roll to the outside, and down I went like a sack of yams. OUCH. I did not hear any bad sounds or feel anything give, so I was hopeful that it was just a strain. I walked around for another 30 minutes or so, just to feel it out and make certain that it was not too painful, as in, needing to go to Urgent Care or something like that. I have no health insurance, so I really don't need another bill to pay. I came home and wrapped with an ACE bandage, toodled around the house for awhile, sweeping, mopping. I iced it for as long as I could stand and then took a hot shower. There were some twinges, a little cramping, definitely some soreness when I poked around, but I took 4 Ibuprofen after eating and called it good for the day. Of course I did not run, though I had planned to.

There was still bit of soreness this morning, but I was feeling so low today, that I decided to run. I went three miles. In fact, I had to keep myself from running four. It felt great to be out, the music was perfect, then the sun seemed to part the clouds and smile down on me. I really needed it. So, I am not scheduled to take any more rest days until Saturday. We'll see what the next two days bring.

I am really deep in thought about who I was, who I am, what the future holds. Not really a crisis, just a deep attentive observation of my motherhood, my professional direction, my relationships in general. There is quiet and music and noise and laughter and beauty and fear and light and color and so much more. How do I go from cute skirt to this existential mumbling?

When did I stop paying attention?

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Where did the week go?

Hello my anonymous onlookers,

I really don't want to sink back in to old bad habits, but I think I have been heading that direction. My week was a distracted mess. I know this was partially due to the return of my chronic insomnia. It really leaves my brain muddled and usually leads to headaches. I got to the end of the week and wondered, what did I do this week? My music is suffering too. I have hardly practiced and this is really not the time to slow down. My school work was not the best either. I have to admit I am burnt out with this online business, and I'm only half way through. My upcoming vacation will hopefully help all of this inertia when it comes to motivation.

On the plus side, I met my running goal, getting back to 14 miles this week. I did not do the 3-2-3. My musculoskeletal system is not ready for that apparently. Especially after the 4 miler at the beginning of the week. I am really learning some lessons in paying attention and taking it slow. (Again, in running and in life.) I still have not gotten myself into any cross training either. Not anything structured, anyway.

I saw "The Hunger Games" last night. I have read all three of the books and loved them. I sometimes feel embarrassed to admit it, because it is considered "Young Adult Literature", but whatever. At any rate, I did enjoy the movie on the whole. The beginning seemed a little weird to me, but once it got going, I liked it quite a bit. I feel like so much was left out, but it was nearly 2.5 hours long and you can only do so much...

Most exciting: RIVER TRIP!!!! Going to voyage on the San Juan River this May. I cannot really describe how excited I am to be on a river trip again. Makes me very, very happy.

Disappointed about no trivia tonight, but on the plus side, there will be improv.

My mind is full of so many thoughts about my life: direction, meaning, etc. I want to act in good conscience, with integrity. I guess I feel a little guilty about all the spare time I have to make a change in the world, or even just in my little family. My son was really testing the limits this week and I am feeling a bit unnerved, and afraid of the changes that I need to make and how he will endure them. Parenting is not for sissies, people.

Time to meditate, I guess.

Have a great week.

Holly

Sunday, April 8, 2012

Happy Easter!

Running this past week was nothing to be proud of. But since I start my running "week" on Saturday, I am doing well so far this week. Four miles yesterday and not much, if any, residual twinges, etc. I have decided not to run today, as I trudged up and down the hill at Wanoga Snow park for about two hours, and judging by my smell, I worked out plenty. And I have Improv tonight. See all the justification!!!

Tomorrow is supposed to be a lovely day, other than the fact that I have to get up at 7am. Ugh. It is all in the interest of harmony, though. And maybe I'll get a big fresh, start on the day. (hahaha) So tomorrow I am going to start another 3-2-3 and see how it goes. Really need to get the core work in, though. My body is talking to me. Particularly my back. And there is some opposition from the right lower leg which I am wondering if it's shinsplints or just weakness from my injury. At any rate, denial is the key.

Mmmm. See, another theme. Denial. Some of us are so good at it, we can scarcely face the truth. It always turns up again, though. "Like a bad penny", as they say. Staring you right in the face, smiling, wooing you with it's eyes. Enough!

I am really staring to freak out about performance anxiety. On stage, yes. But if I start freaking out about freaking out, does that cancel it out? i think not. Maybe I need to create the onstage persona, instead of being me. That's probably how all those famous folks do.



Over and out,

Holly J

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

I completed a 3-2-3. That means 8 miles in 3 days. However, the fatigue was still there on the run yesterday. The wind was blowing, but I still should have felt better than I did. I was happy that it wasn't raining or snowing, and the wind was only medium-blustery. I had some great random songs to help me through it. Man, I don't know how I used to run without my little nano. I used to make fun of people like me. I may have mentioned that before.

After the run I went to band practice. I could barely sing. I felt dizzy and sick. My hands started to shake. I didn't want to seem like a baby, so I didn't say much of anything, but toward the end, I thought I might pass out. I was so glad to go home. I had just a bite of food--literally-- and then I started to feel a bit better. I made myself a large, spicy dinner. I started to feel much better. I was still tired, but I was able to get the kids off to bed and then rally to finish the paper that was due by midnight. It was initially hard to get out of bed this morning, but once I was up, I felt pretty energized. I swept and mopped all the floors, dusted and vacuumed, cleaned the kitchen. I feel okay now, but I am wondering what the run will be like tomorrow.

The next couple of days will be busy. Students, more homework, getting ready for Easter. Seems like most things are planned and ready to go, so tonight, I might just relax and read a book. Crazy, I know. I have not even been able to talk literature for quite some time, as I have been reading textbooks and writing papers and responses.

It is so great to have my little ones back. That bone-deep loneliness I felt is gone. What will I do when they grow up? I suppose things will have changed by then, and they will have spent many days away, and won't need me hardly at all. But, let's not think of that, shall we? Let's think of Wednesday afternoons with slurpees and popcorn and cuddles on the couch.

Until next time,

Holly J

Monday, April 2, 2012

Here comes the Sun!!

After the dark night, comes the dawn.

It is beautiful outside and once the school traffic dissipates, I am running. My legs were actually sore today from the run yesterday. I think it was due to having to fight against the wind. So I am tempted to nix the two mile hill run, but just feel like something different than Larkspur. I guess I could drive over to the river trail, but that seems like a waste of gas since I don't really need to go over there. Hmm. I will think about it.

I have much to do, but am currently avoiding homework, house cleaning, bill paying. Those things do not seem like fun. I want to frolic. I am also still feeling tired. I guess I am going to try some iron supplements and see if that helps. Can't figure if it's the weight loss, my hormones, or some secret disease that I have yet to discover. Really hoping against the disease part.

Don't have much else to say today. My mind is kind of blank. In need of inspiration, so I think I'll run, shower, eat, play music....and just maybe some homework.

Enjoy the sun!!

Holly J

Sunday, April 1, 2012

April Fool

April Fools are rampant. Like the one typing right now. I apologize.

I did not run yesterday as I was not mentally there. Basically, just not feeling it. So I went out to dinner, came home, and paid homage to my brother, Kendall Jackson, with a bottle of his wine and a stupid movie. Just as he would have liked it. Cheers, my brother.

I slept for about 8 hours and then just lay in bed for awhile thinking. I feel pretty humbled right now. Thank you and I am sorry, my friends, for my attitude these past few days. I have been acting like a spoiled child.

Just returned from a 3 mile run. I feel like it straightened me out a bit. The wind was (again) blowing from nearly every direction and I was struggling hard to feel good. And there is the metaphor for my life again. Why am I struggling so hard to feel good?

When did I stop seeing things as a challenge and start carrying burdens?

I was working on my dryer for two weeks, hitting that reset button over and over again, but did not find the problem. Two twisted coils, sitting too close, creating too much heat.
Okay, enough metaphor for one day. I am making myself ill with all this stupidity.

Sunday, April 1st. Still running. Still have a roof overhead. Still have four healthy children. Still have a good number of friends to listen, to share, to make me laugh when I need it most. Still have hope.

Thank you again, my friends.