Status Quo

It was an unconscious weekend.

Dropped kids off, had dinner, moving party, dinner with an old friend, slept a lot, improv…

Notice no running in there. I am so bummed out right now I could puke. Self destruction is on high volume. Self loathing even worse.

I loathe my self loathing.

I may have hit the bottom yesterday. At least I hope I did. Because any further down is going to be irreversible. Luckily, there are kind people in the world.

Sometimes if I really stop feeling sorry for myself, I realize the gifts I have been given.

It's just that I want it all. I am like a child that way. And knowing that does not seem to help me to stop the torture of obsessing about what I don't have.

Keep praying.

hollyj

Bandaid

Im So Tired. Name of a song, y'know.

Woke up at 4 am, didn't really sleep after that. Torturous dreams of everything being taken away. Not much subconscious in that, is there?

Good things: made it through the day, managed things that needed managing, did not (yet) veg out on tv, went to an author's reading, got inspired.

Bad things: bummed out about lost relationship, spent time on fb, missed time with kids due to author thingy, worrying about long days alone, did not run, tired of myself, really, really tired of myself.

I want my hopes and good dreams to come true, but that comes with sacrifice, hard work, commitment, honesty and all that. What I realize more and more is that I won't be happy until I start practicing it all the time, or at least most of the time.

I ripped off the bandaid yesterday. Now I have to deal with the open wound.

Prayers. Please.

Hollyj

Ch Ch Ch Changes

I don't know what to say about today, really. That feeling of unsettledness that I was having the last time I wrote became more and more unsettling until it kind of boiled over, I guess. I felt like I might be losing something really important. I can't comment on it because it involves my kids. I reached out for help and kinda got slapped in the face. Last night I felt full panic.

Anyway, I finally took a sleeping pill and slept. I woke up this morning feeling okay, but things became clear to me as the day went on. Sometimes you have to let go. I thought I had let go of a ton of things the past few years. Today I let go of the person I thought I would always have in my life. Even writing that makes me feel a bit ill. But all of it is making me ill. Literally. My stomach was pierced with knives all day long. I don't know what will happen next. Love either leaves you or comes back even stronger, in my experience.

I went to the book store and bought a bunch of books. I have lots of paint and other projects. I have kids and running and soccer and writing, of course. I have just a few friends left, but when I just listen to 5 minutes of the news, I know I'm lucky. I could live in the Philippines, for instance.

In other aspects of my life, I discovered that several seasons of the original Law & Order are on Netflix, which is both wonderful and horrible, as it will cut into anything productive. I had Monday off, and got some things done including a hike to Tumalo Falls which included a totally embarrassing fall into the creek. Ah, the bruises. Body and ego. However tonight I scored ANOTHER GOAL!!!!! A beautiful goal; upper right hand corner this time. Yep. I love soccer, I really do. And I appreciate that I can still play. That game gave me such pleasure tonight. I love this team. I don't know how long it will last, but I have learned to hold the good moments in my heart and mind, because they are fleeting.

The very last thing is that I must commit to my health. I know what needs to happen. Finances could use some attention too.

At any rate, thanks for listening. I am out a great friend, and that is going to be an enormous hole in my life. On top of that another very close friend is not talking to me because he is in that deep dark hole of self-alienation and I can't help, because he won't let me.

Once again, I ask for prayers. These days are going to be difficult.

Hey! At least it's a good season to volunteer.

Take good care, my friends.

Hollyj

How do you spell coo-coo?

I am trying so hard to convince myself to run today. I was doing so well, but now am struggling with a general feeling of ick. I feel like my mind is playing tricks on me.

I did get a lot accomplished yesterday and today. Things I did not even feel like doing. I went to bed early---for a Friday night--- and actually was out of bed and in the shower by 9:30, which is truly amazing. Ran some errands, did some household fixes. Now I feel like I have run out of steam. Not tired, exactly, but mentally, the zing has gone out. I know it's partially because I am hungry, but don't want to eat until I go running, though, so I'm in a quandary. I know I need to, probably will, but thought I'd guilt myself by writing about it.

I am enjoying my job more and more, but also liking tutoring less and less. This is not a good thing. It makes my days long and makes me cranky. Then, I feel tired when I get home and let things go that need to be done. Sigh…
Here's hoping I take some time today and tomorrow to catch up so I can take the day off and have some fun on Monday.

My daughter and I had a little disagreement. She wanted to go to "Open Gym" today. She has been talking about it for weeks. I took her, and after about 15 minutes, she was just standing by the wall, doing nothing. She was pouting because she had no one to play with. She never informed me that this was a requirement for her having fun. It really irritated me because she does this sometimes. We do something that she is excited about doing, but if it does not go exactly the way she wants it to, it's ruined. I don't like this kind of behavior at all. So that bums me out too. It is the same with her expectations of herself: perfectionism. I am struggling to parent our way out of this.

When I think of the things that bother me, I try to tell myself, "What would you say to a friend if she came to you with the same problem?

I guess I'd tell her to go running and clear her mind, and realize you cannot control everything. Try to have a good day without letting the things you can't control drive you coo-coo (sp?).

One more day

Long day. Long week.

Thank God it's Friday and all that. Well, it will be Friday soon. Don't know what the weekend will be. There are many plans afoot, but no commitments so far. Don't know what to do, really. Why does it seem like it's either a million fun things to do, or complete isolation?

I had a great soccer game last night. We STILL didn't win, but my playing has gotten so much better, and I scored a goal. I just need more endurance so that my defense does not always fall apart at the end. Sometimes it's just one more step...

My commitment to running just sucks right now. I know it's got a lot to do with the weather, and now that my job and tutoring force me to be away from the house so much I feel really lacking as a mom and a housekeeper. Then to try to carve out time to run. But I have to get back to the mindset that it is about my health, both physical and mental.

In many ways I have grown a ton these past few months, but it was almost like that growth took so much out of me, I lost my other balances.

At any rate, I have got to get ahold of a few loose ends that need tying up and be strong in the things that require my attention. It is too easy for me to get caught up in the moment of pleasing the ones I love and forget that I have responsibilities that will eventually kick me in the behind. I need to make changes that get me positive support, instead of letting my guilt suck my time away.

One more day.

Holly

Groundbreaking

I have been in a writing slump. Could not seem to get inspired or whatever.

I managed to get two runs in last week along with my soccer game, but I am seriously sick of my lack of commitment and this 5 lbs. that is making my pants feel tight. Now that it is cold and dark, everything is more challenging. Time has been flying by since I started the new job and I feel like I will never catch up. So, I need to start to schedule out my time. I also need to watch less tv and stop vegging on stuff like you tube and Facebook. And a million other things I need to do.

On the bright side of things, I really like my job. I think my funk is lifting. I went to Portland last weekend and had a nice time. I am coming to terms with my life as it is, trying very, very hard not to wish and want and expect. I am trying to be drawn to what is healthy and progressive. It feels lonely at times, but I have decided it is better to be lonely than desperate for...

Groundbreaking, right?

Oh, and health care is coming. There are decisions I need to make soon. I want this body to be a bit more operational.

I think what I am shooting for is to funnel my energy into things that beget energy. I know how pleased I would be if my running was going well, my house and yard were more spiffy, and I started to make progress on the creative things I for which I was given a bit of talent.

So, patient readers, I hope to speak again tomorrow about the everyday, instead of trying to catch up on the many things that have been going on in many days' time.