Power and industry

Just a quick post before I spend my last few hours with the kiddos. I did not realize until last night that I don't have them for the weekend. I am mostly bummed because I would have spent our time this week differently. Sigh. Plus I can't believe I did not see it on the calendar. I agreed to the schedule a couple of months ago, and I just forgot. Too much going on the last couple of weeks.

Went running yesterday---sort of. Tried to go to the track, but the doors were locked. So I tried to convince Ellie to run around the baseball field with me. She was non-plussed. Too hot, she said. Today will be in the 90s. I was going to run early today, but I banged my right knee badly on the river, and it hurt to run yesterday, so I am going to try for tomorrow morning early, before the heat comes on. Been waking so early anyway, might as well get the day started.

I am really out to sea lately. I feel adrift. I have some challenges I need to take hold of, and now I guess I have the time on my hands to accomplish them.

Right now I need to be with my little ones.

Send me thoughts of power and industry.

Hollyj

Diagnosis: Whatever

Wow.
Been gone a while: two back to back trips. A lot of time in the car. A lot of time with the relationship. Maybe too much time. The more you get to know someone, the more you show of yourself, it makes you think. Well, it should, or I guess then you are just in it for the benefits? And if that's the case, I guess you're a sociopath. (I am joking here, of course.) However, all's well that ends well. We still seem to like each other. My house is still here. Now I will start the rest of the summer with the kiddos.

I have not run since the day we left--10 days. Don't know if I will run today. I am feeling that post-trip, bad weather, sort of feeling. I am tired but still woke up at 7:30 this morning. Too much on my mind. Cats barfing, whip cream exploding, bills need paying, weeds need pulling. ICK. Oh, and I have a huge zit. Plus I am really low on money. Double ICK. Supposed to get paid in three days.

Here's the bottom line. Most people go around thinking (myself included) that we are soooooo deep, complex, dark. That no one really understands. I am calling bull&^$# on that. It is pretty easy to see the games people play. It takes one to know one. It probably takes one to love one, too. Anyway, I am not going to let myself be dragged down by it anymore. Whether or not we understand each other at any given moment is just a perception, and one that usually fades with time. So be kind. Love. Forgive. Take a deep breath.

(That's what she says but sometimes she forgets.)

Whatever. Say a little prayer that I go running today. It would be good for me.

Hollyj

Graduation

Today was better. I went running. But it took every ounce of strength I had at the moment. In fact, I had the same reaction I had a while back when I got chills directly after and had to crawl in bed to get warm. It wasn't cold outside or anything. I wonder if it has to do with the health issues... Anyway, I ran. After I rested, took a shower and ate dinner I felt better, and was eventually able to do some of the things I wanted to do for the last day of school tomorrow.

This morning, my son 'graduated' from elementary school. He has grown so much. I am extremely proud of him. I am more comfortable with the things that he will confront in middle school. But that does not mean I will not worry about and heavily advocate for him. Middle schools are the jungle of childhood. He wrote his teacher this amazing letter to say goodbye. It made my heart swell, and it made my heart break a little. But he was so expressive. The letter said what I could only hope and dream for as a parent. I am still reeling. I honestly wanted to photocopy it, so I could remember this moment. My kids. How is it that I can love someone so much? You hear about it all the time before you become a parent. Then you become one, and your heart changes immeasurably.

My job situation is strange. And it seemed so hopeful, and now I feel so lost. It could be worse, so I try to remain in the positive, and hope that the connections I made were worth the sacrifice of money I could have made subbing. I may never know.

My relationship? I still never really know. And now I start to question why I continue to connect myself to people who are emotionally disconnected? Or is it a chicken and egg thing, where I push them so far away, because that is my comfort zone---if you go the Freudian direction, that is true. All in all, I am still trying to figure it all out. I feel older every day, and time passes. Who knows how much longer any of us has?

The next weeks are very busy. I am asking a lot from everyone, myself included, but really more from others. I pray for insight and patience.

That's what she says, but sometimes she forgets.

Tremors

Just a quick minute to say that I am exhausted. I slept last night, but my dreams were tortured. I woke up feeling achey and awful and moody.

I should run today, but I can't get it together. I came home from work and just cried. It is so difficult to want something so badly. So badly that you want to train yourself not to want it anymore so that you can stop feeling the horrible emptiness, longing, sadness. That you are just waiting for that inevitable shoe to drop. You go to work. You paste on a smile.

When I am nervous or upset, my hands start to shake. I can hardly type today because of the tremors.

I suppose I should use the power of positive thinking, that I should "actualize" myself into being the person who gets what she wants. And I usually do. But today, the 10th of June, I am struggling with that.

And you know my hormones are probably bouncing everywhere right now, so my coping skills are not sharp.

I'm going to go and get some things done now that will help me to progress.

So again I ask for a prayer.


And I will repeat my mantra and believe that tomorrow will be a better day.
"That's what she says, but sometimes she forgets."

Most boring post of 2013

Ran Thursday morning. Ran this morning. Feeling good about that.

It seems is all around me good things are happening, people getting jobs applied for, accepted into schools they have been waiting on.

Me? Still alive and kicking.

Going to read a book about people suffering in Haiti.

That is all.

Hollyj

Wednesday

Holy Moses.
What a day.
No running involved. I had an epiphany to rearrange all schedules, due to the heat and other factors. So I will run Thursday and Saturday mornings instead of today and Friday, because that is just insanity. Plus went swimming with my kids, which exhausts me anyway.

Boyfriend has been offered a new job. Don't know how it will impact things like river trips, seeing each other at all. But why should it be easy now????? I can't plague my body with worry anymore, I can't buy into the negative. But, it is so habitual, it is difficult to resist.

My co-worker got the library job, which is great for her. I am genuinely happy for her. She is well prepared. Does this mean I will be able to get a job in her position? This is not a certainty. But, it brings more possibility than someone being hired from outside. So, I will wait and see.

Then another co-worker was hit by a car today. And I just keep thinking, what if she had been really hurt? Our lives just hang by a thread. I barely know her, and I would have been devastated. Her family, everything they have...

My heart aches tonight, and I want to turn it off like a light switch.

And, when I stick to what is right and what is real, I see so clearly.

Good night. Please say a prayer. It is going to be a rough week for me. I must remember my strength.





Now she keeps it locked away, and it grows colder every day...

That's what she says, but sometimes she forgets
Don't you dare give up, cause sometimes, she forgets




Hollyj

Just might get some sleep tonight...

Well.

All things being said, I am holding steady. I have not run quite as much as I planned, but still keeping on. The weather is getting warmer, so I will have to start running earlier. (HA!) I am not a morning person. At any rate, today was not horrible. It was only in the mid-70s. but I had already been outside for recess and field day, which was about three hours straight. And I got a little sunburned, because I somehow forgot about sunblock. Probably a bit dehydrated as well. whatever. But, I went running. And the Grateful Dead "A Friend of the Devil" was playing... But, I did run. And I was glad.

Got me to thinking about so many things. So many times that I have let myself be tempted. What form does temptation take for you? I think I have entertained them all at one time or another, most vices that can drag you down. But when I look back on these past few years I see so much strength. I have had bad days, don't get me wrong. But I have had so many good days lately. Even when they don't feel good, I have risen to the occasion. I thank all of those whose kind words have encouraged me to let go of the things that hold me back.

So, to end the story about the talent show, it went well. I won't go into the details of the day because I am in recovery from my addiction to drama. She sang. I played. I felt good. She did too. There was no support from her father toward me, but I didn't expect it. See how I stopped expecting?!! I returned them at the normal drop off time, and my little girl was waiting for me at recess today, like usual. What else is there in the world? Oh, I know, many things. But, my kids get me out of bed in the morning. And keep me from driving off into the Crooked River Canyon.

What else? Many trips coming up. Work situation still in flux. Relationship is intact. Better, I think(?), but I am hesitant to place any bets at this point. Plus, I am not a gambler.

Repeat the mantra: That's what she says, but sometimes, she forgets.

Hollyj