SHOW LOVE!!

I apologize I have not written in over a week. Too much homework, along with the regular slings and arrows of single parenthood, and a LOT of fun distractions. Besides, who even reads this? My silent stalkers?

I am experiencing a paradigm shift, as has happened quite often this last year. So there is also plenty of my time spent lately, staring into space, thinking. I may actually be able to trust other human beings. Maybe. Possibly. Just recently passed the anniversary of the boys leaving the hospital. I think we are all still pretty shaken. But I have started to think that I can't live in fear of all the bad that can happen. And I can't keep asking why, thinking I somehow deserve to live life without pain. Man, that is really, really difficult. I am tempted to paint things on my walls like "You are lucky!", "Show Love!", etc.

There are still some hills I need to climb. Many jobs that I need to apply for. I am trying to ward off the feeling of futility.

By the end of next week, I will have run nearly 200 miles since I began in February. Now that is not a lot, considering I was gone for 11 days, and took at least 2 rest days each week. I am hoping to bump up to 20 miles a week after I purchase new shoes and transition them in. Still, I went on a four mile run on Monday that was rock star quality. Of course, I coughed until I nearly vomited, but hey, no big deal. (The pollen is killing me this week.) The running is my center right now, for me. It helps me to clear my mind a bit, makes me feel strong and capable. Not to mention that I dropped thirty pounds since the year began. That weight was more than body fat. It was baggage. It was insulation.

Boy, I am really getting too deep here.

One more river memory:
Standing on the top of the canyon rim, you can see for miles. You can see the land above, the vast canyons below, your tiny boats lined up on shore. I felt the smallness of my self, the significance and insignificance of who and where I was.

Show love,
Hollyj