SHOW LOVE!!

I apologize I have not written in over a week. Too much homework, along with the regular slings and arrows of single parenthood, and a LOT of fun distractions. Besides, who even reads this? My silent stalkers?

I am experiencing a paradigm shift, as has happened quite often this last year. So there is also plenty of my time spent lately, staring into space, thinking. I may actually be able to trust other human beings. Maybe. Possibly. Just recently passed the anniversary of the boys leaving the hospital. I think we are all still pretty shaken. But I have started to think that I can't live in fear of all the bad that can happen. And I can't keep asking why, thinking I somehow deserve to live life without pain. Man, that is really, really difficult. I am tempted to paint things on my walls like "You are lucky!", "Show Love!", etc.

There are still some hills I need to climb. Many jobs that I need to apply for. I am trying to ward off the feeling of futility.

By the end of next week, I will have run nearly 200 miles since I began in February. Now that is not a lot, considering I was gone for 11 days, and took at least 2 rest days each week. I am hoping to bump up to 20 miles a week after I purchase new shoes and transition them in. Still, I went on a four mile run on Monday that was rock star quality. Of course, I coughed until I nearly vomited, but hey, no big deal. (The pollen is killing me this week.) The running is my center right now, for me. It helps me to clear my mind a bit, makes me feel strong and capable. Not to mention that I dropped thirty pounds since the year began. That weight was more than body fat. It was baggage. It was insulation.

Boy, I am really getting too deep here.

One more river memory:
Standing on the top of the canyon rim, you can see for miles. You can see the land above, the vast canyons below, your tiny boats lined up on shore. I felt the smallness of my self, the significance and insignificance of who and where I was.

Show love,
Hollyj

Hello,

Made it through the weekend, and nearly to hump day. I was able to complete last week's homework, and I really hope I eventually get a handle on week one. I made some progress the last few days. I need to fill out my financial aid form, which means I need to get the taxes done...ugh. The TSPC sent my license for review and still won't approve the math endorsement. I am really not pleased about that. This whole teaching thing is really beginning to get to me. How can I want it, work for it, feel called to it, and still, I can't make it happen. I know some of the practical reasons. Just venting.

Just completed another 3 days-9 miles. It feels like a really good distance. I have had some pain above my right ankle during the return home, but it is not lingering--much. Anyway, I am really enjoying running right now. I almost hate to say it out loud. Don't want to tempt fate. I will need to contemplate planning a good five-miler soon.

All of the kids were here for the weekend. It was good. We went to see the Lorax, but otherwise a lot of just hanging out and catching up. Very good.

I would love to comment on more worldly, philosophical matters, but my sweat is beginning to freeze on me. So, I think I am ready for a hot shower and some dinner.

One of our days on the river, a few of us jumped off a ledge into a pool of freshwater. Exhilarating. I love that feeling. How lucky to have it in my life.

Holly J

I am having one of those days.

Some people have told me how positive I am, how I always have such a great attitude. Well, silent readers, Today is going to be a slogging through the mud struggle.

The first day we were on the river, we pulled off to see some ruins. They were called the River House Ruins, I believe. I stepped off the raft and immediately got caught in the quicksand/sludge/mud. The more I tried to free one leg, the deeper the other went. I started laughing because it was so ridiculous.

Today I am stuck in the mud again. I realize the more I struggle, the deeper I will be mired. Can I come out laughing?

Ran three miles for three days. Might try for a fourth tomorrow, just to see if I can.

Say a prayer for me today. I need to be lifted up.


I'm not aware of too many things
I know what I know, if you know what I mean?

What I am is what I am,
Are you what you are, or what?


Be back soon.
So much to do, and need to be happy to be doing it. The latter will be the challenge.

Holly

MacArthur Park

Donna Summer died this morning. What a beautiful voice she had. Only 63.
Last Dance, Donna.

Ugh. I have so much to do. And today turned out to be some wasted time. Well, okay not completely wasted. I am just feeling overwhelmed in this moment, and disappointed in those who could have made it easier for me. But I guess I just have to Little Red Hen the next few days away. And, I should. I have the debt that I owe the universe for all that I have:

"It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you've got." (little bit of Zen from Sheryl Crow)

Running has been pretty good. I came back after 11 days and, if I get to run tomorrow, I will get a 16 mile week in. That means it's time to get serious. I thought the Happy Girl was next weekend, but I guess it's Sunday, so I am not going to do it, as all four of the kids will be here. However, I'll probably get to run during the weekend, which is nice. I don't think I am quite ready for a race anyway. I must mention that I am able to wear those containers of clothing I have been saving for however many months or years. That is definitely a good thing. Getting back to my fighting weight. Not that the number matters, but I feel light and strong.

My apathy is fading, getting back into school. Still no job.

Remembering a night on the river when the moon rose over the canyon wall. So magical.

Oh, and the Main Salmon waits for me in July.

I shall return. (Another MacArthur reference, in case you did not know)

HollyJ

Off the Grid

Hello there!

It has been awhile. The week after my last post I was frantically preparing to be gone for 11 days, and I returned home just two days ago. The trip was amazing. The water level came up, so we agreed to go for it. We packed up the car and left on Monday morning. First day drove 11 hours and stopped in Salt Lake City. An interesting town. So clean. Tuesday we arrived in Bluff, Utah to rig our boats for launch on Wednesday morning. Tuesday night I saw the brightest shooting star I have ever seen, and I interpreted it as a good sign. I won't recount the whole trip today, as I have homework to catch up on. Stay tuned...

I have not yet heard from TSPC, but let's hope the license went through. Job prospects are on the horizon. Say a little prayer.

I ran the day before I left, and then ran the day after I returned. I am a little sore after my second day back (today), but I did do some hiking in the canyons and rowing on the river that used all sorts of different muscles, so I don't think I lost much endurance. I think I am ready to bump up to some 5 mile runs. I would really like to find a new course though. I am thinking of the canal, though that would leave a serious hill at the end of the run. Might do the Happy Girl 5k.

My little girl really missed me. She said she cried at night and sang our favorite songs. Makes my heart ache to think of it. My son went on a field trip to the Portland Zoo and had a great time. This is a big step for him. I am very encouraged. He also turned 10 years old yesterday. It is hard to believe we brought that little bald-headed bundle home 10 years ago today.

I will write more about my adventures in the next week. The trip altered my life in many ways. I am grateful and humbled.

Holly