March

I have been gone for nearly three months. Not much of the story I am willing to share has changed. I am only on this page again to reestablish my good habits: writing and running.

Tomorrow is the equinox: brand new day.

Spring break is upon us. I am excited for new possibilities. But for now, to bed.

Hollyj

Hanging.

Pain is the theme of today.

I hoped I would have a better outlook No one seems to understand what I am trying to do here. I am in the process of becoming a better person and all I am met with is that I am somehow putting the onus on them, blaming. If Im blaming anyone, it's me. My lack of faith in everything.

And I could barely move today. I think something is very wrong. I finally ate. But I had to sit in the same position all day, doing these repetitive tests. My body was killing me and my head started to ache. But again there is nothing I can do. I can't cancel out on anyone now.

If I can make it through tomorrow, I will be okay.

Sorry to continue the negative. I am just hoping to write it out, get clear and find a good place. And many things to do before it's too late.

Hanging on.

Hollyj

Grumpy

There is so much happening right now I can't write it all. Not running much, playing frustrating games of soccer, locked in a colossal ^%$%^&%*& with Concordia University about my degree being finalized. Not my fault, but they won't do anything to make it better.

Improv, quitting the play, ex-husband being continually difficult. Feeling like I will never realize my dreams because I am too busy working, now every day extra hours because I can't say no, for many reasons. But I also need to forward myself professionally. When the hell is that supposed to happen?

I know I am ranting and complaining. I know I need to find my center again and it was much better when I was writing.

I'm in a ton of pain tonight. Go hit right in the gut with the soccer ball. I can't even eat, though I have not eaten since 1pm.

Okay enough self pity. Hopefully, I can write something positive tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day.

Okay, really?

This writer is a writer who writes very little about what she should be writing about.

I am very tired but I felt the need to write and try to get this thing started again. I ran today. Felt very tired, have had a dry cough for a few days. I am worried about the flu, as it is going around at school.

I am happy in respect to my relationship. I believe I may learn to trust. We shall see. I am going to start some sort of meditation on it.

Work is good. Making progress, need more initiative. And I am battling with the college still about my degree.

In case life is a little dull, my kid's father has self-diagnosed the kid with Asperger's. Really?

Tutoring in La Pine, more students to come, financial things to juggle.

A ton of stress.

I am capable. I trust that others love and support me. More about that later. Must sleep to be a good mom tomorrow.

Hollyj

Can you say "Hiatus"?

Just a quick post to tell you I am back.

Whew. A lot of downtime. Multifactorial. Mostly I had a blockage, a mental one.

I started running again about a week ago. Removal of blockage is initiated. I may never learn, but at least I keep trying.

So, I am entering what I call a "creative period". This is defined by the fact that I will do everything in my power NOT to destroy and spend that time creating. I'm certain there will be a disturbance in the force. So be it.

A friend told me the other day to consider what I might think of these moments when I am 85 (hopefully a long, healthy life). You may think I cannot possibly have made it this far without considering my older self. Maybe I don't think I have very long. In any case, I'm going to start living like I'm 85, with a 25(ish) year old mind, and a body that hasn't quit.

See you soon.

Hollyj

Status Quo

It was an unconscious weekend.

Dropped kids off, had dinner, moving party, dinner with an old friend, slept a lot, improv…

Notice no running in there. I am so bummed out right now I could puke. Self destruction is on high volume. Self loathing even worse.

I loathe my self loathing.

I may have hit the bottom yesterday. At least I hope I did. Because any further down is going to be irreversible. Luckily, there are kind people in the world.

Sometimes if I really stop feeling sorry for myself, I realize the gifts I have been given.

It's just that I want it all. I am like a child that way. And knowing that does not seem to help me to stop the torture of obsessing about what I don't have.

Keep praying.

hollyj

Bandaid

Im So Tired. Name of a song, y'know.

Woke up at 4 am, didn't really sleep after that. Torturous dreams of everything being taken away. Not much subconscious in that, is there?

Good things: made it through the day, managed things that needed managing, did not (yet) veg out on tv, went to an author's reading, got inspired.

Bad things: bummed out about lost relationship, spent time on fb, missed time with kids due to author thingy, worrying about long days alone, did not run, tired of myself, really, really tired of myself.

I want my hopes and good dreams to come true, but that comes with sacrifice, hard work, commitment, honesty and all that. What I realize more and more is that I won't be happy until I start practicing it all the time, or at least most of the time.

I ripped off the bandaid yesterday. Now I have to deal with the open wound.

Prayers. Please.

Hollyj

Ch Ch Ch Changes

I don't know what to say about today, really. That feeling of unsettledness that I was having the last time I wrote became more and more unsettling until it kind of boiled over, I guess. I felt like I might be losing something really important. I can't comment on it because it involves my kids. I reached out for help and kinda got slapped in the face. Last night I felt full panic.

Anyway, I finally took a sleeping pill and slept. I woke up this morning feeling okay, but things became clear to me as the day went on. Sometimes you have to let go. I thought I had let go of a ton of things the past few years. Today I let go of the person I thought I would always have in my life. Even writing that makes me feel a bit ill. But all of it is making me ill. Literally. My stomach was pierced with knives all day long. I don't know what will happen next. Love either leaves you or comes back even stronger, in my experience.

I went to the book store and bought a bunch of books. I have lots of paint and other projects. I have kids and running and soccer and writing, of course. I have just a few friends left, but when I just listen to 5 minutes of the news, I know I'm lucky. I could live in the Philippines, for instance.

In other aspects of my life, I discovered that several seasons of the original Law & Order are on Netflix, which is both wonderful and horrible, as it will cut into anything productive. I had Monday off, and got some things done including a hike to Tumalo Falls which included a totally embarrassing fall into the creek. Ah, the bruises. Body and ego. However tonight I scored ANOTHER GOAL!!!!! A beautiful goal; upper right hand corner this time. Yep. I love soccer, I really do. And I appreciate that I can still play. That game gave me such pleasure tonight. I love this team. I don't know how long it will last, but I have learned to hold the good moments in my heart and mind, because they are fleeting.

The very last thing is that I must commit to my health. I know what needs to happen. Finances could use some attention too.

At any rate, thanks for listening. I am out a great friend, and that is going to be an enormous hole in my life. On top of that another very close friend is not talking to me because he is in that deep dark hole of self-alienation and I can't help, because he won't let me.

Once again, I ask for prayers. These days are going to be difficult.

Hey! At least it's a good season to volunteer.

Take good care, my friends.

Hollyj

How do you spell coo-coo?

I am trying so hard to convince myself to run today. I was doing so well, but now am struggling with a general feeling of ick. I feel like my mind is playing tricks on me.

I did get a lot accomplished yesterday and today. Things I did not even feel like doing. I went to bed early---for a Friday night--- and actually was out of bed and in the shower by 9:30, which is truly amazing. Ran some errands, did some household fixes. Now I feel like I have run out of steam. Not tired, exactly, but mentally, the zing has gone out. I know it's partially because I am hungry, but don't want to eat until I go running, though, so I'm in a quandary. I know I need to, probably will, but thought I'd guilt myself by writing about it.

I am enjoying my job more and more, but also liking tutoring less and less. This is not a good thing. It makes my days long and makes me cranky. Then, I feel tired when I get home and let things go that need to be done. Sigh…
Here's hoping I take some time today and tomorrow to catch up so I can take the day off and have some fun on Monday.

My daughter and I had a little disagreement. She wanted to go to "Open Gym" today. She has been talking about it for weeks. I took her, and after about 15 minutes, she was just standing by the wall, doing nothing. She was pouting because she had no one to play with. She never informed me that this was a requirement for her having fun. It really irritated me because she does this sometimes. We do something that she is excited about doing, but if it does not go exactly the way she wants it to, it's ruined. I don't like this kind of behavior at all. So that bums me out too. It is the same with her expectations of herself: perfectionism. I am struggling to parent our way out of this.

When I think of the things that bother me, I try to tell myself, "What would you say to a friend if she came to you with the same problem?

I guess I'd tell her to go running and clear her mind, and realize you cannot control everything. Try to have a good day without letting the things you can't control drive you coo-coo (sp?).

One more day

Long day. Long week.

Thank God it's Friday and all that. Well, it will be Friday soon. Don't know what the weekend will be. There are many plans afoot, but no commitments so far. Don't know what to do, really. Why does it seem like it's either a million fun things to do, or complete isolation?

I had a great soccer game last night. We STILL didn't win, but my playing has gotten so much better, and I scored a goal. I just need more endurance so that my defense does not always fall apart at the end. Sometimes it's just one more step...

My commitment to running just sucks right now. I know it's got a lot to do with the weather, and now that my job and tutoring force me to be away from the house so much I feel really lacking as a mom and a housekeeper. Then to try to carve out time to run. But I have to get back to the mindset that it is about my health, both physical and mental.

In many ways I have grown a ton these past few months, but it was almost like that growth took so much out of me, I lost my other balances.

At any rate, I have got to get ahold of a few loose ends that need tying up and be strong in the things that require my attention. It is too easy for me to get caught up in the moment of pleasing the ones I love and forget that I have responsibilities that will eventually kick me in the behind. I need to make changes that get me positive support, instead of letting my guilt suck my time away.

One more day.

Holly

Groundbreaking

I have been in a writing slump. Could not seem to get inspired or whatever.

I managed to get two runs in last week along with my soccer game, but I am seriously sick of my lack of commitment and this 5 lbs. that is making my pants feel tight. Now that it is cold and dark, everything is more challenging. Time has been flying by since I started the new job and I feel like I will never catch up. So, I need to start to schedule out my time. I also need to watch less tv and stop vegging on stuff like you tube and Facebook. And a million other things I need to do.

On the bright side of things, I really like my job. I think my funk is lifting. I went to Portland last weekend and had a nice time. I am coming to terms with my life as it is, trying very, very hard not to wish and want and expect. I am trying to be drawn to what is healthy and progressive. It feels lonely at times, but I have decided it is better to be lonely than desperate for...

Groundbreaking, right?

Oh, and health care is coming. There are decisions I need to make soon. I want this body to be a bit more operational.

I think what I am shooting for is to funnel my energy into things that beget energy. I know how pleased I would be if my running was going well, my house and yard were more spiffy, and I started to make progress on the creative things I for which I was given a bit of talent.

So, patient readers, I hope to speak again tomorrow about the everyday, instead of trying to catch up on the many things that have been going on in many days' time.

Long Time No Post

Running: Better, not best. 

Diet: not great, though I blame the birthday.

Kids: Amazing

Other things: variable 

Writing: self -evident

Revelations: many. More to come when I get more sleep. Sometimes you grow in silence.

hollyj

Reality Adjustment

All is well and yet I am trudging through the depths of things also.

Running is better, but I am still not losing weight, which I don't know what to say... eating too much, beverage calories....I don't know? Not that I am huge, but I want to be back in all of my clothes, not just the generous ones.

Work is good. Kids are good. Quasi-relationship is good and sometimes worrisome. But I am a worrier. He does not seem to value my need to write to him on a near constant basis. But I am a writer. When I don't write I feel stoved up.

I am really tired tonight, so I don't know what more to say. I feel a disturbance in the force, to be frank. But I don't know if it because I am being manipulated or because I am torturing myself.

In need a serious reality adjustment.

Pray for me the next few days. I need it desperately.

hollyj

Letting Go

Today was a long day, a roller coaster type of day.

I had a training from 8 to 4, so I had to entrust my children---at school at at home--to others. I like to be in control of things, in case you have not noticed, or maybe you just don't know me that well. I went to the training. The instructor played "The Day the Music Died" near the end of the day. That was quite a moment. Being named after Buddy Holly and knowing every word in that song and being asked what it made me think of. It made me think about my father, and music and many other connected things in a new way. I actually enjoyed the training, but I was distracted all day. I am not entirely sure why. I just had an unsettled feeling.

Anyway, everything seemed to go well today, except the bleeding is crazy again. And there are some other complications that I don't want to go into detail about, other than to say that small towns are fraught with situations that leave you to make difficult choices, even about who can be your doctor. Frustrating.  I wish people would keep things to themselves. Especially professionals. I have higher standards. I don't share anything that would even potentially compromise anyone. I am pretty disappointed in a few people in the last few days. I guess I have to keep things close to my chest now. Sad, really, because I feel I have always been very respectful of confidential information shared with me, and the others in this situation just seem to think it is fodder for their gossip or whatever.

On to better things. Have confirmed 30 hours per week now. It will start on Monday. It's a huge foothold, and I need to focus on creating a path to what I really want. I think that the universe is giving me a hand up, and I better respond. There are many encouraging things.

Had a difficult moment with my daughter last night. It is hard to balance the love and discipline sometimes. I want to solve her problems, but I have to hold her accountable all the same. I also need to step up and have a real conversation with her father. We are adults. It has been six years. It is time to actually talk to each other face to face and start making a future for these kids. I am ready. I have finally let go of what I needed to. I am my own woman. It only took nearly 45 years.

The thing about letting go is that it is sad, because what you were holding on to had some meaning for you, became a part of who you are. But it is also freeing, because it opens up the space for you to be whoever you want to be, instead of the prison of definitions you were in; the frustrated ex-wife, the lonely single mother, the abused daughter, the unfulfilled dreamer. Whatever is holding you back, you have to let it go. Believe me, I have a lot of "let-go" on my list, but it seems easier and easier the more I let go. And, the space it has created is multidimensional. And it takes a great degree of courage and love and radical acceptance of what is. Also, if I haven't already said it, it does not feel good at first, but it does get better.

A quote from the Dalai Lama:

"Mentally, physically and emotionally we are the same. We each have the potential to good and bad and to be overcome by disturbing emotions such as anger, fear, hatred, suspicion and greed. These emotions can be the cause of many problems. On the other hand if you cultivate loving kindness, compassion and concern for others, there will be no room for anger, hatred and jealousy."

hollyj

What is is with you,Tuesday?

I had a nice couple of days there, in terms of... ah, nevermind. Illusions. Delusions. Who even knows? Moments. That's all we have sometimes.

Monday was not too brutal, but I was tired. I think my clotting condition is acting up again. Bleeding again. One zit is like a hemorrhage. Nosebleed. Ach. Slept SO much yesterday. Anemia?

Then, waiting to find out when my interview was going to happen. I was told it would be this morning, but then heard nothing. I did not want to be annoying, but finally called last night, after being prodded by a friend at 8:30pm. I got a response later that the interview was postponed until Wednesday. Today I learned it is scheduled for 9am tomorrow. What shall I wear? Seriously.

Today was a stumble of a day. Tired, cranky, and generally only looking forward to one thing that did not happen. Grumble. Reluctant manipulative student. Other stuff. Unknowns. Ick.

Still, I went running. My legs felt like lead, and now my back hurts like crazy. I am SO out of shape. Oh, I should do some core work. I know. Whatever.

Now I have a ton of stuff to to for the interview, the sub I need on Thursday for the training, the other crud that I have to do just to keep my sorry head above water.

Am I grumpy? Am I failing to appreciate the positive? Yes.

My daughter broke her tablet. I went off on her, in re, responsibility, blah, blah, blah. She cried. Sigh. Now I have to fix all of that. When will I stop having to fix things? On my deathbed, probably. Still. First world problems.

I hear about a local woman who died. She was shot in the head by her ex, and then he took off with her four year old child. Jesus Mary and Joseph.
A family member of mine; a young beautiful girl, celebrated her birthday today. The first without her longtime love, who was killed by a car this year. This world is so messed up. Where is love?

Tuesday, you kill me sometimes.

hollyj

WeekEnd

***Published in the wee hours of Monday

Okay,
So Friday Saturday Sunday Nonstop Kid Power. There were play dates and Fun Centers and Bowling and Pumpkin Patches and playing of music and meals and all sorts of stuff. Plus coughing daughter slept in my bed two of those nights due to extreme attachment to Mama. Yes, I changed the sheets today, don't get all in an uproar. I'm already feeling sick though...

Oh yeah I forgot to mention the digestive disorder that plagued me for three mornings in a row. Everything was going right through me. Scary. So glad I was not working. There would have been mad dashes to the restroom. Still feeling nausea, headache. Headache that will not leave, once again. Probably a tumor.  (jk)

Anyway, I was battling all of this and trying to work on projects of various kinds, getting out the sweaters, Halloween decorations, laundry and other general cleaning. Let's just say not a lot was accomplished.

Went to a movie with the un-boyfriend. I don't know what to say about any of that at this point. I know I have a bit of growing to do. I know how I feel. I know relationships are work.  Discussions about things, no change. Detente. I say a lot prayers for everyone. We all need it.

Went running today. Was initially crabby about it. Felt good during. Don't know if it hindered or helped my physical condition, but felt like crashing about 8pm. But then, I was probably hypoglycemic as I did not eat much today due to fear of earlier symptoms.

So tomorrow(later today) there is a run, like a social run. I felt twingey today, don't know if I should go. Also, I have to deal with this tutoring student, the driver's ed. issue, my state taxes and I think I double booked on Wednesday, but can't remember with whom. Short term memory is a bust.

Last comment: what is up with Google+ ? I don't get it. I don't like it thus far. Circles? I think I am being scammed.

Alrighty. I have to work in less than 8 hours. Monday is going to suck, unless I inherit some lion blood while I sleep.

hollyj

Feeling the Positive

Man,
I wore myself out today (Thurday---I am writing in the wee hours of Friday).
Got up early to get the boy to school. Then my girl was ready for her Mommy and Me day at 8 am. I usually have to wake her up at that time on a school day, but she was raring to go. So we went to breakfast, shuttled kittens for a checkup at the Humane Society, went to Goodwill and scored on some books, did a little necessary shopping (well, the Avril LaVigne CD was a little treat) and then ended at the library. More books, movies, and another AL CD on loan. Had just enough time to cash in on a free smoothie before the boy got home, then hanging out, dinner and a brutal soccer game. Played short for half the game, but I played well. I am happy about that. I really did my best.

The upside is that everyone had a good day. I spent time giving my kids what they needed. I spent at least 44 minutes not worrying about anything but soccer.

I currently have a dilemma about taking on another job as a driver's ed. instructor. Okay, y'all stop laughing now. I just don't think I can sacrifice 120 hours of my life to train for a job I might like, maybe. It's another obligation. The guy is a hard sell. He wants me there, wants to make it work. "We just really liked you. We think you will do a great job." Sure. Another person who is trying to draw on my people pleasing tendencies. ERGHH.

I need to take some time to think about all the things. I have to make the kids first priority and work out a schedule with their father, and hopefully communicate to him in some way that he understands that I don't wish to argue anymore. I am literally sick of it. If he is happy in his life, then why not choose to get along?????

Secondly, my career is at a point in which I have some things to pick and choose from, which may benefit me in a number of ways, but I cannot sacrifice my kids.

Finally, I have to engage in putting myself first when I have time to myself. The things that I love: writing, running, soccer, etc. and not be afraid to seek out people and places that support these positive things, instead of hiding in my little home-cave, feeling sorry for myself. I also thought of at least three different things I can do at work to be a positive force.

Feeling positive. Hope it sticks.

Hollyj

Hey,
Thanks to everyone who responded to my post yesterday. So many positive words, things to meditate upon and other such lovely love.

I woke up this morning, with strange dreams clouding my mind. The theme of which seems to be me not measuring up in some way. Varied locations, different characters, but all disapproving or causing me anxiety, making me feel like I don't measure up.

So, that is what my subconscious is feeding me.

Anyway, I have a ton of inspiration, and while today was no pinnacle of discipline, it was definitely a huge source of truth. There were things that I loved to hear, and then things that I did not really want to hear, though I knew before I heard them, they were true. But that is the way life is. Acceptance is the hardest part for the dreamers. We want it to be perfect and full of love. But sometimes, you get affirmation along with the brutal truth. It's real.

One story I totally forgot about and need to share. My daughter, who is 8, asked me as we were fooling around on the piano last week, if I knew the song "Imagine" (Actually, she quoted, "the one that goes 'imagine all the people'..."). I was initially stymied that she did not know that I had probably played that song in the car, at home, a gajillion times in the last 8+ years. But I said that I did know it. I plunked it out on the piano for her, feeling my way through the chords. We sang. I asked "Where did you hear it?" She replied,"I dunno, on the radio or something." One of the most important songs of all time. At 8, she seemed to really get it. This girl will break my heart over and over again. Glad to have her. And all of my kids wring me out---in a good way. Just wish I could do them justice. But, I haven't given up yet.


You may say I'm a dreamer
But i'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one

hollyj

Canary in the Coal Mine

For some reason, Sunday is just not a great day for me.

I was happy with Friday and Saturday. I kept myself busy: reading and writing, volunteered, went running (YAY) . But Sunday morning came and when a friend texted me for breakfast, I just rolled over and piled the blankets back on. Sorry friend, I just could not muster.

It was a beautiful day too. A day to go to the Fall Festival, to walk in the park, to enjoy the change of the leaves---where you can find them. But I just felt that empty sense of loss. The aching vacuum of depression that takes hold of me sometimes.

I finally left the house to have dinner, and ended up going to a movie, and I was even cranky about that. It did make me feel better to lose myself in the film. Thank you for that, friend. I would have stayed home and let myself drown (not literally, things aren't that bad, after all) if I had not made a promise.

I am growing so disappointed in humankind. As if the "kind" got erased. Like no one seems to care about anything important anymore. It's heartbreaking for a canary like me. By that I mean, the canary in the coal mine, the warning that the air is going bad.

I went through bouts of therapy years back, trying to puzzle out why things happened and what to do about them. One person told me,"You are sensitive. You are the canary. You probably always will be. But we need people like you in the world to tell us when the air is growing poisonous." Of course the only problem with this metaphor, I realized later, is that the canary dies.

I know this kind of thing is not unique to our era. People, for whatever reason, are awful to one another sometimes. People forget the Golden Rule, or choose to ignore the real implications. People don't personalize the suffering of others. I know practically that it's too overwhelming; that if you put your heart out there for every starving child, every school shooting, every dictator that massacres his own people, you would never get out of bed. If you thought about how corporations are in control and how little one person can do to change our lobbyist-ridden government, and how eventually money is all that matters.

I just hope and pray. And I am trying, in my own way to find my voice, before this canary is dead on the floor of her cage.

Friday night

You know, sometimes life gives you a really good idea about people: in specific and in general.

Bad week for running, but good week for introspection. Although I do need to mention I scored the most amazing goal in my soccer game this week, which was only overshadowed by some less than stellar defensive moves. Anyway, I really want to get back in the running groove, because my lack of endurance is translating to not kicking buttocks on the field.

In the work world...I turned down the driver's ed position. Too much unpaid investment, especially when the kids are still so young. Tutoring thing coming on, feeling obligated, not excited. But things at Juniper are looking up, so I am happy about that, because I like it there, and I finally feel a part of something.

My final thoughts are of the political. I am horribly disappointed in the legislature. I feel like it is my generations' time to step up and change things. We need to fire them all. The healthcare issue is just a litmus test of how ignorant everyone is. I am only encouraged by the disapproval rate, but what does that really mean?

Oh, and my really final thoughts are of my writing project. I am pretty stoked about it. I need to schedule it in on a regular basis, like running.

And then there is love... I am discovering all kinds of love, and also the meaning of friendship in concert with how alone I am in the world.

Heavy thoughts for a Friday night.

Hollyj