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Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Friends

Need a definition for friend.

So, still not running, just to totally take away from the whole title of this blog. Ugh. I did go on a hike today, so that is a little progress. Green trees, waterfall, you get the picture.

So, who are your friends? Do they love you, tempt you, are tempted by you, lose tolerance for you, build you up, break you down, disappoint you, or vice versa?
Do you need them, want them, use them?
Do they inspire change, do they give you comfort? Do they make you laugh, make you angry, make you cry?

I am not sure if I am burning or building bridges. I am not yet happy with myself, but i think I will lose someone in the bargain.



Hollyj

Monday, August 26, 2013

Rock Bottom

Trust is a difficult thing. Understatement?

I have slept most of the past two days. I guess I needed it. I have been processing a bit, not running yet. I hope for tomorrow. My hope for tomorrow is that I don't worry about what I can't control, that I get myself organized for the week, and that I keep working on that whole idea of being at peace with my circumstances. Oh, also that I finally start running again.

I need to believe in myself more. I need to take more good chances. I need to put myself out there in the world while I still have time left. I need to tell the people that I love, that I love them more often. I need to be able to experience all of my feelings and not snuff them out in one way or another.

I feel that knot of fear in my stomach already. But I have no right to. I have come through harder things. Why am I so vulnerable at times? Why do I forget that even some of my best friends struggle with much worse loneliness? Am I that selfish?

I am still so impacted by this quote from JK Rowling:
"I was set free because my greatest fear had been realized, and I still had a daughter who I adored, and I had an old typewriter and a big idea. And so rock bottom became a solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life."

So here we go. Will I start to build on the foundation?

Hollyj

Thursday, August 22, 2013

Homeward Bound

I am at the end of the trip. Tomorrow I have to pack everything up and head home.

Top five things on my mind:

1. I feel bloated and icky.
2. I will probably see my mother tomorrow.
3. I have to drive about 5.5 hours to get home.
4. When i get back I will have to drop off the kids and I will face the alone.
5. When I get back I will have a pile of dirty clothes and other stuff to deal with.

This is the song that is playing through my head. It is not a new one, but hey, once more, with feeling!

Well so here I am at the end of the road
Where do I go from here?
I always figured it would be like this
Still nothing seems to be quite clear

All the words have been spoken and the prophecy fulfilled
But I just can't decide where to go
Yes, it's been quite a day and I should go to sleep
But tomorrow I will wake up and I'll know

That I've got to begin again
Though I don't know how start
Yes, I've got to begin again
And it's hard

Well it's been quite a while since I lifted my head
And I'm sure the light will hurt my eyes
I see the way that I been spendin' my days
And reality has caught me by surprise

I was dreamin' of tomorrow so I sacrificed today
And it sure was a grand waste of time
And despite all the truth that's been thrown in my face
I just can't get you out of my mind

That I've got to begin again
Though I don't know how start
Yes, I've got to begin again
And it's hard


Big Big Breaths tomorrow.


Hollyj

Harry and Sally

In the movie "When Harry Met Sally" there is a scene where the main characters are talking about their recent break-ups of long term relationships.
(Paraphrasing)

Harry: Dont you miss him?
Sally: No, I really don't, and the more that I think about it, the more I am convinced that I did the right thing.
You know what I think? I think i miss the idea of him.

Harry: Maybe I miss the idea of Helen....(sighs) No, I miss the whole Helen.


I know for the time being, the pressure is lifted. I am not walking around the house, driving down the street, being reminded every moment. Returning home tomorrow is going to be gut wrenching. I thought for a few moments that maybe I just miss the idea of him. But, I miss everything.

One more day.

Hollyj

surprise

Today was a better day. And be prepared. I may not write about running for awhile. I have bigger fish to fry.

Wow. So much to tell. First of all, people will surprise you. And a random statement by a relative led me back to some things I had not thought about for years.

But first, I surprised myself by totally handing things well and getting to the coast. I love being with my favorite cousin and godchild. He is so great and both Ethan and Ellie love entertaining him, which is really beyond what I imagined. And my kids handled everything well. Just hope Ethan does not vomit again!!

I was surprised tonight by many interactions, and while I am usually a fairly private person, I feel there is a story to be told.

When I was about 6 years old, my father "kidnapped" me, meaning he kept me beyond his legal visitation period. Many things happened then, my mother had just been abandoned by my stepfather, investigations were done and then pushed aside for the family's sake, but the end result was that I was sent off to live in Denver with my mother's older sister's family, who I did not really know at all.

And here is a story that should be told. Because as I wade through the depths of my insecurity, I realize that before that I had already been shipped off to my great aunt and uncle in Seattle and then to my grandparents before they decided that a year in Denver would be the best solution. The solution solved a problem they did not know how to handle. But I did not understand much of it at all. I was alone in a new place, with a new family, where I didn't have any idea of the rules. I was introduced to the church congregation as if I was an orphan. What other explanation could there be?

What I realized is that I wait for and/or create the situation in which I will be the cast--the orphan. I take a horrible pride in surviving these things. The problem is, I continue to create the abandonment.

There. One small step.

See you tomorrow.

Thanks to my best family members for saving me.

Hollyj

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

One day at a time

Hey friends.

***Actually written late night on August 20, exactly one month from my last post***

Since retuning from the river, nothing but a gut wrenching roller coaster. Have not been able to write or really run. But I have to start somewhere...

I am back by popular demand. Unfortunately I am doing this on my phone because the wifi password is unknown. Hopefully tomorrow I will have better access.

I'm not going to write much except to say that I am really struggling with many things right now. Heartbroken and filled with self loathing. Say a prayer. Say more than one if you can.

Last time I slept in this bed, I was on my way to Texas. Tonight that memory is crushing. I really hope I can sleep. The night stretches out long before me.

If this is my bottom, I am ready to move up and out.
Peace.

Hollyj


8/21/13

ps. Finally got on the wifi. Headed out with the family. Slept horribly last night. up until 4am, tortured dreams, up at 8:30.

I will need to take a lot of deep breaths today.