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Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Four Miles

So...I did not go running yesterday or the day before. I had plenty of time, and the weather was much better. But I NEED to go today. Ugh. I knew I would regret it. Too much letting my mind go. To much reversion back to that place where I feel powerless.

Hey! (Time has passed) I DID go running today. FOUR miles in fact. I don't remember when I last ran four miles. Getting three runs in is going to be tricky. Because that means Thursday and Saturday at this point. Can I do it Thursday morning? And Saturday is unpredictable, but I could possibly run in Portland! Anyway, I am trying hard to keep my motivation high.

The things I am bothered by are still mostly the products of my own thought process. Feel like my relationship is more friends with benefits lately. And I am not completely certain where that is coming from because the messages are so mixed. And I can't confront it right now, because I have other things that are more pressing.

The father of my children continues to be blind in terms of his complete and total arrogance. I have worked with my daughter for nearly six weeks on this performance that will occur on Friday, and his response has been to throw money at it and then "can I take the kids home after school on Friday?" Because after all my hard work, convincing her of a good song to sing, to let me play piano instead of trying to excerpt two minutes from a You Tube karaoke track---when the wifi is at best undependable---and all the other things that happened that only went right because I am there working at that school, where she is, because I am so lazy to work only 4 hours a day. No, you will not take them home from school. I will take them to a place where we will consume candy or ice cream or whatever we can, to totally ruin their dinner when I bring them back to you.

Yeah, that is not very altruistic. But then, I am flawed, and I am tired of his load of...

Plus. It's our celebration. And that is all.

I need to be strong for the next three days. Very strong.

Pray. Light a candle. Keep me in your thoughts.

Thanks.

Hollyj

Saturday, May 25, 2013

Sometimes she forgets

Just a quick note to practice writing.

Not going to run today, not ready for two days in a row yet, and my joints are telling me. Tomorrow. Three miles.

Still a busy day. Out and about with the children and then still tackling the clutter. The kids have been with me almost every weekend of this month---and half of the one they were with their father. When they are here it seems not a lot gets done, even when I employ their help. But then there are also things to do and places to go. Time spent playing games, singing, laughing.

I am still physically struggling a bit. Can't seem to sleep enough and tired by the afternoon. But maybe I just need more time.

Mentally, I feel encouraged. I am practicing stepping away from the things that make me fearful. And I am not expecting. Expectation is just a set up for disappointment.

I know: "That's what she says, but sometimes, she forgets."

My new mantra.

Hollyj

Friday, May 24, 2013

I'm Awake!

I am quoting my youngest son. Once when he was about two or so, he bounded into my bedroom with this proclamation. "I'm Awake!" It came to mind because I did have an awakening of some kind. A paragraph I found that was meant for me. Truth that I needed to hear. That is how I feel right now. I can assign it to many things, but maybe sometimes you just decide that you have caused yourself enough pain.

So, I went running THREE TIMES this week. I cannot remember the last time I ran three times in a week. I have to realize how important some things are. Running is one of them. That third run was a little achey, but I felt good. I was happy to be able to run.

Music and writing are the others that I have let go, as evidenced by the fact I have not written here in nearly a month. I have seen you are checking on me. Thanks. It is good to know someone is looking for me.

And I have stopped playing indoor soccer. I think I lost heart after my sweetheart lost another ACL and the team fell apart piece by piece. Someone even quit because the keeper yelled at her. Really???

Now is the time of the job-applying, the interviews, the waiting and wondering and postulation. Happily it is also the time of school ending and summer beginning. Road trips and boating and camping. I want time to stretch out slowly from now until September. I want to savor every moment and not waste time. I want to purge all of the useless clutter from my life.

I have had a ton of good this past week. I want to remember that when the week does not go so well, that my state of mind is still within my control.

See you soon.

Hollyj