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Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Listen

Today was an important day.

Actually, not just today. The last few days, since my whole rant about the questioning and wondering and all.

I read something that responded to my question(s). I have run across the root of this phrase before, but never thought of the application in the way I did today. In our lives, there are many 'roads not taken', but we only get to choose one path. That coupled with a soccer game, some time alone, a surgery, and a confession, humbled me to the core, and yet opened my mind to a different way of thinking.

No, not everything is solved. I won't wake up tomorrow and stroll down easy street, but I feel my peace and confidence returning in tiny little bits. I have stopped performing and started listening more. Have you ever thought about just listening and how important that is? Maybe you have. Then you are way ahead of me. Oh I took many counseling and psychology courses about "active listening", but you know that is just psycho-babble, and when you have people in your life that care for you, when they need someone to listen, you need to open your mind to the possibility that it is all they really need. Not your opinion, not how that happened to you once too, not some other baloney that you're already thinking of before they even finish their sentence. You just listen, and maybe think about how what they are telling you figures in the context of what you know about them, about their life, and the things that matter to them.

Whew.

I have much to do. In fact, I have more to say, but am going to cut it short and focus on finishing my work.

hollyj

Sunday, February 24, 2013

Bird in a Cage

All this introspection, and still I want to smack myself in the head for the ground I have lost: as in "I thought I was smarter than that" or "why did I do that again" or "what is it I really want?"

No running at all this week, so no wonder I am feeling all twisted inside. I am getting something out of soccer. SO glad I did not take that part in the play. I would be so screwed right now.

I did randomly pick up this book "My Heart is an Idiot" by Davy Rothbart, the guy who published that "Found" magazine. pretty good read. Describes most of my relationships, so I guess I am not that special after all. :)

I cannot give up on the good things. And I really need to finish what I started. And I mean this week and for the next ten years (minimum).

Add and subtract.

I need to take better care of myself as the day wears on. That seems to be when I lose my resolve and sometimes my common sense.

As someone once pointed out: you need a routine.

Also, less escapism, more reality.

And now here comes this song. Thanks Pandora. But is it meaningful, or totally random and meaningless? That's how I feel about everything right now. What does it all mean? And why am I asking such a basic question? And what does it mean if I stop asking it? I've gotta learn what I am not and who I am??????

This world feel hopeless to me some days. Guns, fiscal cliffs, and just how no one seems to give a ___.

I am not depressed. I swear. I'm just the freaking canary in the coal mine. I am dying here.

hollyj

Friday, February 22, 2013

It's hard to say

Finally I figured out
But it took a long, long time
But now there's a turnabout
Maybe 'cause I'm trying

There's been times, I'm so confused
All my roads, They lead to you
I just can't turn and walk away

It's hard to say what it is I see in you
Wonder if I'll always be with you
But words can't say, And I can't do
Enough to prove,
It's all for you

I thought I'd seen it all
'Cause it's been a long, long time
But then we'll trip and fall
Wondering if I'm blind

There's been times, I'm so confused
All my roads, They lead to you
I just can't turn and walk away

It's hard to say what it is I see in you
Wonder if I'll always be with you
But words can't say, And I can't do
Enough to prove,
It's all for you

Rain comes pouring down
Falling from blue skies
Words without a sound
Coming from your eyes

Finally I figured out
But it took a long, long time
But now there's a turnabout
Maybe cause I'm trying

There's been times, I'm so confused
All my roads, They lead to you
I just can't turn and walk away

It's hard to say what it is I see in you
Wonder if I'll always be with you
But words can't say, And I can't do
Enough to prove,
It's all for you

It's hard to say
It's hard to say
It's all for you

Monday, February 18, 2013

magic and reality

It's currently 11:30 something and I should be sleeping, I guess. It's been nearly two weeks since my last post, so I thought I'd check in and relate the almost nothing and yet everything.

Running. Well, not going so well. Time health and stress complications. Still playing soccer.

My schooling is coming to a close, which is nice, but that also means I have to start paying back loans at some point. So. Energy needs to be spent in the direction of job finding and that sort of thing. Or else just keep taking courses, hahahaha.

My youngest son has had the worst virus/cough and I hate to be able to do nothing about it. It happens at least once per year, but it does not make it easier on anyone. But he is a trooper. I love that strength in him.

Loved one still waiting on surgery, but again, continues positive outlook.Good to have strong men in your life.

Valentines Day. Yeah, well, I did the best I could. My daughter is such a believer in all of these holidays. I don't want to be a curmudgeon, but I also want her to have realistic ideas about the Hallmark aspect of it all. Magic and reality: where do you draw the line?

Did not get to see my sons this weekend, as had been planned, but probably for the best as I slept most of the weekend due to my feelings of ill. Still, I have not seen them since the holidays, and I feel sad about it.

I did have a lovely day today. Thanks.

hollyj

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Points to Ponder

I started out my Sunday morning eating oreos and drinking coffee in preparation for my soccer game. Yep. Actually, it was more like Sunday after noon. I had a rough week, I was despondent. Went to the game, and the one I love went down and stripped the heck out of his knee. I did not know what to do. I was heartbroken for him in so many ways I cannot describe. We had burgers and watched the SuperBowl. And I just remember thinking once again, how life turns on a dime.

I have been looking through all of my written materials, etc., for the past 13-14 months, looking for patterns, searching for answers. I have found some, but sure to discover more. I am about to work very hard on finishing my endorsement, might participate in some theater, hopefully live my life in a way that gives back all the love I am receiving.

My running has been minimal. I have played soccer twice a week, but really need to spend more time on the pavement. Can I do all of this? Should I?

hollyj