Personal growth. I hate that phrase. It' so new-agey, weird, and does not describe. How about that scene in Alien where the little monster bursts through the guy's stomach? That's transformation. Too bad for the guy, and I know we all think that critter is evil, but life is life. Life is change. Change is painful.

Am I making a point? I doubt it.

For the first time in my life, I cried while I was running today. Damn Ipod was on 'emotional suicide mix'. "Complicated"
Running on the sidewalk along Hwy. 20, just crying. kept on going. Let's give you my "random playlist"
She will Be Loved
Complicated
Break On Through
Breathe (Anna Nalick)
What I am is What I am
Rock Star
*nuther one I cant remember, but equally important

Anyway. My universal DJ is spot on.

Dissociation.

So, how does one combat this emotional evil? You have to be willing to be in the moment. AND. you also have to battle the irrational thoughts. Tapes that play in your head. I thought I had won that battle long ago. Turns out, when I was faced with something that threatened my emotional safety, I dusted off that relic. Gave it some power.

So, I do what I do best. Researched the hell out of it. Looked at all my words, reflected on my choices. Not all bad, but some important dodges and serious flights of negative fantasy.

All I can do is all i can do.

Closing Argument

Ladies and Gentleman of the Jury,

I am a tortured soul. Most of it of my own creation. This week, at work, we are doing a form of standardized testing. And if there were a week where I needed my wits about me, this would be it, because this matters to our program and to the school. In addition, I know that no matter what I look like shit, excuse my language. Can't eat, cant sleep. So while I administer these repetitive tests, I have to try and not think about my broken heart, and more importantly, the heart I have broken. I addition, I am trying to finally recognize and deal with the actual issue: trust.

Who do I really trust? Anyone? I don't think so. I think I doubt the motives of most everyone I know. How does that change? If it doesn't, I will eventually ruin all of my relationships. And when/why did it get to this point? I don't want to go back to the parental level, though I am sure that did not help. I did have at least one loving, amazing relationship. I almost had another. I want it back.

What I know I feel is that in the moment where someone is genuinely reaching out to me in friendship and love, I feel a physical dissociation. I realize intellectually it is a defense mechanism, but it disturbs me to such a degree that I am now convinced that I must make drastic changes.

Still playing soccer. My hope is to run tomorrow, and at least one other day. I hope next week will be better.

My kids have saved my life. Again. But I am afraid of what I will do to them if I don't change now.

A friend of the devil is a friend of mine...I just might get some sleep tonight.

I love you, you know I do. I just need some time. You have taught me so much and brought me to a crossroads. I will make the right choice or I will continue the same destructive behavior. We are connected in a way that I have never known.

hollyj

Stay tuned.

There will be a slight interruption in service while I ponder what I am supposed to be learning from the universe right now.

Only ran once last week. Played soccer yesterday. Hoping for better.

Bright side is my kids had an amazing weekend. I should get an Oscar for that really. At least I have another day to writhe in anger and frustration before I step back into supermom role for 3 days.

hollyj

Love and other stuff

I haven't been writing, but trust me I have been thinking. A lot.

For the running part, I have managed at least two or three runs a week, just keeping it around 3 miles, nuthin special. At this point I am just trying for the discipline; more the Zen of running than trying to break any records. There are no races soon, but I am very tempted to sign up for the Dirty Half Marathon. Though my attempts in the past have resulted in crushing my bones. Maybe 44 year old bones are better.

Also, as of last week I am playing soccer twice a week, so that counts for speed workouts. And boy, do I feel it the next day. I really need to stretch more. I had this amazing Swedish massage last month and to my surprise the tightest muscles were in my calves.

For the other parts, I am still struggling with child support, anticipating other financial issues, and hoping that I can just truly be happy and still be myself. I tend to sacrifice for others, and then, paradoxically have these moments of utter selfishness.

God grant me the serenity...

I love my job. I wish they would just bring me on full time and let me do my thing. These kids touch me so deeply. And the staff I work with are so kind and genuine. How was I ever so cynical? Sigh. Wasted time. Even during the surprise observations I had today, I felt: show love.

Now for the really cool: I became a Godmother this week. My most beloved baby cousin, Rashelle, gave birth to a son. She asked me to be the Godmother, and I still tear up when I think of it. God bless you, baby Leo. if your parents love you half as much as I have loved your Mama, you will be a happy boy.

All there is is love. The sooner you realize it, the happier you will be. Trust me.

hollyj

Change of Residence

I am a resident of Bad Mood City.

And all I can say is the person who I loved more than I have ever loved and gave everything to is now arguing over money, of which I have so little. And I am not an air my dirty laundry sort, but I don't understand why?

I have not run partially cause I caught a little stomach bug and then my mental state, and my need to be talked off the ledge.

Thank God for my friends.

Because I am all kinds of messed up, and yet I have done almost nothing stupid. Almost.

But honestly the idiotic thing I did....sigh.

In need of a large paradigm change...again...at 44.

Wish me luck.

hollyj

Maroon 5 Says it all for me today

"This Love"

I was so high I did not recognize
The fire burning in her eyes
The chaos that controlled my mind
Whispered goodbye and she got on a plane
Never to return again
But always in my heart

This love has taken its toll on me
She said Goodbye too many times before
And her heart is breaking in front of me
I have no choice cause I won't say goodbye anymore

I tried my best to feed her appetite
Keep her coming every night
So hard to keep her satisfied
Kept playing love like it was just a game
Pretending to feel the same
Then turn around and leave again

This love has taken its toll on me
She said Goodbye too many times before
And her heart is breaking in front of me
I have no choice cause I won't say goodbye anymore

I'll fix these broken things
Repair your broken wings
And make sure everything's alright
My pressure on your hips
Sinking my fingertips
Into every inch of you
Cause I know that's what you want me to do

This love has taken its toll on me
She said Goodbye too many times before
And her heart is breaking in front of me
I have no choice cause I won't say goodbye anymore

This love has taken its toll on me
She said Goodbye too many times before
And my heart is breaking in front of me
She said Goodbye too many times before

This love has taken its toll on me
She said Goodbye too many times before
And her heart is breaking in front of me
I have no choice cause I won't say goodbye anymore...

3 Times is Charming

I ran three times this week!!!!! YAY ME.

This has not happened for awhile.

And it was freaking cold.

What else? I don't even know. It has been a long week. I miss my man. I have only gotten part way through laundry, house cleaning, bill paying, and catching up to all of the other stuff.

I really need to write that screenplay so I can pay off the debts and live off the royalties. So, there is one other goal to add to yesterday's list.

I had a great night with my kids. We had dinner, watched a movie, tried our "star seeds" and then read a chapter of our current book. And they still like hanging out with me, which I hope never ends.

Love is all there is.

hollyj

You Gotta Have Goals

Flippin' A !!!

I had 24 pageviews yesterday. What the heck?

Y'all are too shy. No comments or anything. Or maybe just one person making up for lost time. Whatever.

I did follow through on running yesterday. I actually felt good and powerful and there was a lot less ice. I did my second session of core work and push-ups as well. My abs are killing me. It even hurts to cough. I am not kidding.

This has been a long week. I am still not really back in real life. I am reminiscing about Texas and dreaming of what the future may hold. In addition it has been a couple of nights where old friends call to have long conversations about life and such. Not that I regret it. Just tired. Notice to old friends: we are old. We cannot stay up late and function well the next day.

My house is still a disaster. Apparently, I still have to raise children and go to the jobs and pay the bills and now run the soccer team, and the practicum and the other class that I had to suspend, and also still do that work on being a good person even when I feel grumpy and lonely and in need of a good cuddle and such.

Whine!!!

At any rate: (not in order of importance)

1. Finish degree and endorsement.
2. Prepare for half-marathon.
3. Improve upon relationships as needed.
4. Play/sing more music.
5. Make sure I get re-hired.
6. Have fun.
7. Love all the people I love a lot.
8. Change the world.

You gotta have goals.

hollyj

Happy New Year

Hello 2013.

I had not run for more than two weeks until yesterday. I hate to be a victim of what I call "pathetica", but my back aches, I am developing carpal tunnel, and I have very little motivation at all. Still, I did run yesterday and I will run tomorrow. Gotta get back in the swing. Oh, and I missed two soccer games. When's the last time that happened? I'll tell you when. When I nearly broke my foot in 2010.

So. Had my first "observation" for my practicum today. I was so nervous, and I have three more to go. Still I got through it, and believe it went well. I am learning a lot. I do love my job. I am lucky. Prayers welcome for my continued employment at Juniper.

And love. Love. I have learned so much and realized a new level of trust and friendship and love.

I did not see my little ones for almost 2 weeks. They looked like different kids when I saw them today. They grow so fast. I had the best Christmas ever with all four kids. I can't really express how wonderful it was.

I feel like I am finally headed in a good direction. I have so much positive.

More later, must sleep.

hollyj