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Sunday, December 30, 2012

No Running last week at all...
It was good to to have the children there, but most of my time was spent shopping, cooking and cleaning. I felt like I barely got to spend time with anyone. Though I did have breakfast with my youngest and dinner with my oldest. My 10-year-old made positive comments and they all got along famously.
Hopefully will be able to do something this week, as I don't even have soccer.
May be reverting to a gelatinous blob soon.
I did manage to get the carpets cleaned and rid the pack rat's room of some serious garbage, but I still have miles to go on that one.
Many other issues on my mind, but none that I am at liberty to discuss at this point.
Hollyj

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Merry Christmas

Wow.
I am sitting on my little sofa, winding down from the day.

All of my children are under the roof on Christmas morning for the first time in five years. And even then, it was tenuous. Ellie asked me today about my favorite Xmas, and I can't honestly remember one. I seem to always remember tension, even as a child.

I hope there is still some magic left for my little ones. I also hope they are aware that they are pretty lucky. I sent John Lennon's "Happy Xmas" out on FB. I know it's brutal, but I think we should think about those who are grieving or suffering in other ways, when we have so much. I felt pretty guilty wrapping the presents as it was.

It brings me to question myself. What am I doing? Am I changing the world as much as I can? Am I an example for my children? I think I have claimed the strain of survival for a long time. When and how will I start acting on my beliefs in a determined fashion?

I ran Saturday. That was it for the week (except for soccer). It is already Tuesday and who knows if I will run this week?

I must get some sleep. I told the kids they could wake me at 7, and since I am on the couch, it'll probably be earlier.

So much has changed since this day last year. So much. I can hardly believe the things that are now taking place.

I am thankful for the grace I have been given.

hollyj

Saturday, December 15, 2012

Dreaming of a peaceful Xmas

Just a few hours after I wrote my last post 20 children were gunned down in an elementary school in Connecticut. Six adults were also killed, teacher and other school staff. I was already not in a great mood, up late, thinking too much about the things I can't control, and this unspeakable thing greeted me as I went to my elementary school to work.

I still feel numb and helpless. I know I am supposed to be thankful for what I have and hold my children closer, but that does not make me feel any better. I want the guns to be gone. I know it may not make sense, but that is what I want. I know that people die every day from other causes that could be cured by something as simple as antibiotics, and I know that more people die every day in traffic accidents.

Other frustrating things made it an unhappy day; little things. I don't feel like going into it, because it is tedious.

I am trying to talk myself into running today, as I probably would be good for me. It has been snowing lightly all day, and the trail might be slippery.

There is much cleaning and decorating to do, and a bit of frivolity tonight, listening to a friend play in his band.

Take care my friends,

Holly

Friday, December 14, 2012

Sweet Relief

I finished my research paper a little after 4 am on Wednesday morning. While there are a few loose ends in terms of completing the reading endorsement for my license, my coursework is finished. I just realized today what a great weight had been lifted from my shoulders, and how much time I spent consumed with trying to be a student while also being a mother, a teacher, have a relationship, spend time with friends (which is necessary for my survival) and try to run a household. My relief is indescribable.

I was unable to run this week until today. I squeezed in in between work and picking the kids up, and then went right on to tutoring. But, the run was so nice. I just really appreciated and enjoyed the sun, the lack of wind, the music in my ears, my ability to keep on running. I hope and pray it will continue.(Immediate feeling of jinxing myself)

I took my kids out to dinner to acknowledge and appreciate their patience. I am so happy that I won't have to spend hours on my laptop, saying, "I'll be there in a minute"... And then we went to seek out a free Xmas tree which turned out to be an odyssey of wood chopping and trying to defy physics, eventually ruining my Xmas tree stand. We can only hope we make it through, without it falling.

And in the "life changing moments" category: The furniture has been rearranged and my hair cut. The process with the furniture was a little horrifying. The amount of dust, cat hair, and other detritus. Embarrassing. Cut me to the quick. Another result of my focus on my classes. Anyway, I love the result. I think it changes the focal point of the home. And more clutter has been eliminated. More and more I see how I was clinging to things.

And the hair... It was suggested to me that I cut it short. And to just be honest, I was immediately resistant because it was suggested to me by my boyfriend. I had long ago decided that I don't cut my hair for a man. But, I felt like my hair was another thing I needed to let go of. It is only hair. And I felt like I have made so many positive changes in 2012, letting go of old patterns, that maybe the long hair was just another thing I was holding on to. It is a big thing for me. Sure, it grows, and I can always wear it long again, but I am glad I did it, if only for the experience.

I am long winded tonight. I need to get some rest and finish off this week.

Good night my friends,

hollyj

Monday, December 10, 2012

Just another manic Monday

Ugh.

The last 24 hours have been a taxation on my mind and body. First, the brutal soccer game in which I played the entire first half and most of the second, only to be hit in the head again---the same spot---in the last moments. Felt spacey and dizzy and a little nauseous. I could have just been hungry and tired, but then the headache came back and I pretty much have to keep the acetaminophen and ibuprofen strong in the veins so I can function. So then I had to come home and prepare for this meeting the next day, and I was just tired and achy and didn't feel like schoolwork. But I had to do it because it's a non-negotiable thing.

Then I get a text at 8am asking if I can pick up the kids today because his girlfriend's daughter had her baby. I don't normally post this personal stuff, but really???

I know, first world problems of a divorced, half-employed, middle aged, (continue inserting adjectives).... woman.

I would to have loved to run today. The weather was gorgeous. I would go now, but I have other things I need to do and it is dark. I have not run in the dark here for ages, and never from this neighborhood, so I am not exactly enticed to do so.

I am at least three kinds of grumpy, so I better chill out and gain some perspective quickly.

Peace,

hollyj

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

The Shape of a Heart

I went running today. I could not fit one in the last several days. Too much happening. Well, you can always make it happen if you're willing to get up at some early hour or sacrifice more time with your loved ones. Me, I make my choices. Anyway, it was a nice day for December. Sunny and cold. I was feeling my muscles stretch, listening to the music, glad to be able to run. I had many thoughts about many things. I saw a heart shaped puddle left over from our many days of rain.

I was thinking earlier today: the term "hopeless romantic" makes no sense. Because you can't be a romantic without hope. So, then I heard this song

People speak of love don't know what they're thinking of
Wait around for the one who fits just like a glove
Speak in terms of belief and belonging
Try to fit some name to their longing
People speak of love

You keep it up
You try so hard
To keep a life from coming apart
And never know
What breaches and faults are concealed
In the shape of a heart

People speak of love don't know what they're thinking of
Reach out to each other though the push and shove
Speak in terms of a life and the learning
Try to think of a word for the burning

---Jackson Browne


I hold onto hope. I am not sure exactly why, except that I always have, and would not want to be a hopeless or bitter person.

hollyj

Monday, December 3, 2012

Eight Year Old

Today was my little girl's 8th birthday. We pierced her ears, an 8-year-old rite of passage, I guess. I was 8.

As she gets older I realize the things I had experienced as a girl at each age. Glad to say she has had much more positive things in her life, and that I am aware of how important I am in her growth, in her personhood. I am also aware of how much love can play a part in your life---the degree to which you can grow when given the chance.

So, I don't have a lot more to say. Played a good game of soccer yesterday, for myself, anyway. I laughed with some girls nearly half my age who are twice as smart, and who are generous and kind. I am already exhausted and yet have much to do. But I am inspired by my possibilities.

hollyj