This time, with feeling.

I should have gone running today. I weenied out because it was that inversion-cold-fog thing, and because I was just feeling out of sorts. I did superglue my orthotic together as much as possible (and managed to cover my hands in glue, of course) which may or may not be good. Don't know, since I have not been running yet. I must go tomorrow. I think my stress level is too high not to.

SoOoO....seems like the practicum is coming together which is good, but now more pressure to perform and I am a little freaked. Hence the stress.

I could wax on right now about this whole state of mind I am in, but I think a wise man told me today not to go into my mind alone.

So, I have fed the children, cleaned the kitchen, taken out the garbage. I am going to try and do some work, read a bedtime story, and wake up on time tomorrow, work hard, run, and do all the same things again.

But this time WITH FEELING!!!

hollyj

Prayers

Pout.

One of my orthotics has had a total blowout. This is a really huge bummer, as I have no medical insurance and to get new ones would probably set me back a grand. Sigh. I'm going to seek what I can find. Say a prayer.

Ironically, the break came to my attention just as I was running, thinking what a great day it was, how good the run was feeling. November; cool but kinda blissful. Crud.

So, I think maybe this school thing is going to finally come together. (Fingers crossed) Actually, say more prayers for that too.

Not much else to report. Ugly soccer game. Busy week coming. Loving all my loved ones.

Pray!!!

hollyj

Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving my cyberstalkers :)


A year ago, I was here with all of my children. We went on a run. (I Like Pie) My oldest and I missed the turnaround and ended up running 5 miles instead of three. I was SO out of shape then. I was struggling and in pain. I thought: never again will I let myself be so unhealthy.

Here I am a year later, 40+ lbs lighter, new job, new friends and love in my life. I'm still making mistakes. I'm still struggling financially. But I still have hope.
I did the same run on my own today. Not as fun, because I missed my kids. But still affirming.

I have been forgiven. For this I am thankful and yet I feel bewildered that I could be. So I am going forward, one step at a time. I can't really say much more than that. I am still working bits and pieces in my mind. But I do know I must be true. To everyone, myself included.

On this day I am thankful that all of my children are alive, and (mostly) healthy, and that they are so intelligent and giving (and FUNNY!!). I am thankful that I have friends that are concerned for me when I am down, and who make me laugh and share moments with me that enrich my life.

I want to walk through this next year becoming healthier on the inside, just as I have been able to get healthier on the outside.

Diet: less escape, more integrity
Exercise: give, write, reflect

Thank you,

hollyj

Grace needed

I don' want to get out of bed. It is warm and the house is messy and I don't want to look at it.

I don't want to deal with anything. But, alas, there are children that are bouncing around and deserve my attention before this long Thanksgiving break begins.

I don't know what to think. Confusion is my primary emotion this morning.

I will play soccer, so I am excusing myself from running for today.

I need to start taking care of myself, and start finishing the projects that I have let lie for nearly a week.

I need to eat food.

I need to run again consistently.

I must clear my mind and be myself.

I can't worry about what may or may not happen.

Change the things I can.

I am in need if a little grace. Send some along if you can spare it.

hollyj

Fried-day

Could not even post yesterday.

The grief goes on.

Slept 12 hours last with horrible dreams despite the sleep meds.

I look like a meth addict, sunken eyes, sores all over my face...oh and in one of my dreams my teeth started falling out. Good weight loss program,
though.
I really am going to try to run today, but for now I must do the Saturday morning shuffle.

Everywhere I look reminds me of him. I don't want to even wash my sheets. That's how pathetic I feel.

hollyj

A Moment

I'm not even going to mention the little things that went wrong today. The things that a person, especially at a new job, just smiles and says, "Hey, no problem, I can handle it!!!" And other stupid stuff that..., oh forget it. But it's harder when you don't have that positive emotional reserve. I handled it, but that was the best acting I have done in years.

Still haven't been running. Hope to get to the shoe store tomorrow. Actually I could have squeezed a run in today, but, you know...

Cried, cried, cried. And I hate to cry. But I am telling you people, I am suffering. Because it is my fault. I suffer when others hurt me, but I can step away and say "it's not me", or something like that.

But is was me. And it was so idiotic. It was a moment.

I remember trying to explain to one of my reading groups just a few weeks ago the meaning of the word "moment". It is an instant, and yet it can last forever.

I can't travel back in time and change that moment. But, I tell you. If I could, I would give almost anything to do it.


I heard the song "Lego House" today for the first time, while driving, listening to the radio.


You should check it out.


Peace,

hollyj

One step closer to knowing

I'm 'round the corner from anything that's real
I'm across the road from hope
I'm under a bridge in a rip tide
That's taken everything I call my own

One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing
Knowing, knowing

I'm on an island at a busy intersection
I can't go forward, I can't turn back
Can't see the future
It's getting away from me
I just watch the tail lights glowing

One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing
Knowing, knowing

I'm hanging out to dry
With my old clothes
Finger still red with the prick of an old rose
Well the heart that hurts
Is a heart that beats
Can you hear the drummer slowing?

One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing
To knowing, to knowing, to knowing

(U2)

That's all I have for now.

hollyj

Karma = Hives

Yep. All over. Benadryl not working.

Hump day blues

Sorry to continue my negativity. Hopefully will recover someday. Trying not to cry, that's how bad it is. Kids are here, though, so no crying until they are asleep. At least they are sound sleepers.

No running. On the good news front: the shop found a new pair of my 'old' shoes. Maybe I'll pick them up tomorrow... Can't run when I feel so low, but then I need it more than ever. Irony abounds.

There are so many things that demand my attention right now. And it is hard to be the great mom, the author of an amazing research proposal, the standout reading coach; offering trainings to the staff that barely know me, the runner, the tutor that is going to turn the 'bad' kid around and help the needy girl with chronic health issues avoid being someone who is not a co-dependent mess (go ahead with your pot-kettle jokes).

Certainly there are those that have it worse off than I do. Even more certainly, my acute depression is a manifestation of my fear of happiness.

Gotta find my bootstraps again.

hollyj

Words, words, words

It is a tale, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

Two different Shakespeare quotes from two different plays, but just where I am right now.

Still no running, but have shoe issues. Maybe tomorrow.

Decided to actually seek out a band, on Craiglist, and now am being castigated as if I were prostituting myself.

I am in a bad bad space right now. I certainly made a mistake, but am paying one hundred fold. My motherhood insulted, my one wrong move weighed against sacrifices, friendship, meals cooked, cakes baked, babysitter paid, so much that I can't believe one stupid split second sentence outweighs all the patience love and understanding of 8 months of loyalty.

There you have it.
hollyj

Jinx

Spoke to soon. Broke my own heart. Haven't run for three days. Maybe tomorrow.

Say a prayer for me that I can learn my lessons.

hollyj

Beefhide Donut

While I squeezed in my 3 mile run today, I saw a discarded wrapper lying on the sidewalk. When I passed it going out, I did not really pay attention to it, just kept on running. It was an okay run physically. It was my first time with my new shoes and I think the guy got my shoes wrong, so I was sorta focused on how my feet were feeling and not enjoying the run as much as I would have liked. I had some great tunes, though, just making me think of younger days, of my own emotional journey.

On my return toward home I saw that same wrapper. It said "Beefhide Donut". I laughed out loud. It made me think of how many concerns we have in our minds, yet someone out there is making a Beefhide Donut.

I am so busy right now, but i need to write for a few reasons. First of all, the election was two nights ago. I was happy with most of the results, especially to have re-elected our president. My only sadness is that I have some friends who cannot see beyond their selfishness. The comments were about how they should just "cash in" and get on food stamps, and sign up for every handout. It was really hurtful. These past few years, I have struggled financially. If it weren't for the program that reduced my mortgage, another program that paid my mortgage for more than a year, and a few other benefits, I am pretty sure I would be living in a apartment that would cost more than it now costs to pay my mortgage. And when you look at history, other first world nations, there is so much evidence that social programs, building infrastructure and universal health care are viable solutions.

I did not de-friend anyone after the Facebook rants. I noticed posts and comments from that night have been deleted, or perhaps when I changed my settings... I guess what I am wondering is: is it worth standing up to people like this when I see them, because I will see them. Or is it just better to let it go and realize emotions were high and no one of us is likely to change our minds?

I have so much on my plate. I am trying to rid myself of nearly 5 years of collected stuff that I have been storing so that my new roommate can have more space---and I can have more emotional space. I am finishing the last of my classes to hopefully end this frustrating and expensive educational odyssey. I am working a new job along with two new tutoring students that I hate to disappoint. Also, I should maintain my connection with my supervisor.

I am learning what it is like to have love in my life again. I said it. I try not to be personal. This is a small town. But the six of you who read this blog probably know anyway.

hollyj

All Saints Day

It is All Saints Day.

I am getting better at running consistently. I ran three times last week, not counting soccer. Speaking of soccer, I am pretty sure I sustained a concussion about two weeks ago. It was quite the headache, and I started a new job the next day. It was a difficult week. It was clear to me that I was not functioning well. I was actually a little worried about my speech at times, slurring words and forgetting really elementary things. But, it passed. I did not want to go to the doctor for many different reasons. And I think I made the right choice, or I was just lucky that I did not stroke out.

I am thankful for the job and happy to be getting up and going to work every day. It makes quite a difference to your psyche. The people at school are friendly and the energy is really nice. I hope, I hope...

School--my graduate school-- went into a full scale nosedive the week of the concussion and I had to drop two classes. Also, the class that I was offered to "makeup" the "missing submissions" went by the wayside. I still have a "B", but I am a bit of a perfectionist, so I don't like it. But I just could not look at a computer screen that week. I basically went to bed by 9 or 10 each night, barely coping.

Lately, I feel the pain of reality. Of course, if you take an objective viewpoint in regard to what has occurred in my life the past two years, you can certainly understand. I have days that I feel loss. My intention is to count my blessings, as especially in the past few months, I have received many. But my longing is misplaced and will probably never be satisfied, even if it is something that never was and never will be, it is so difficult to extinguish. And, if even if it was offered, would I believe in it?

I have some patient friends who listen, offer thoughts. So, again I am lucky. So many suffer alone. So many.

The saints did, right? Suffer.

hollyj


ps. I also turned 44 last week. Forever young, I want to be forever young.