Thumb sucker

Hello again, it's been awhile. Not much, how 'bout you?

I think my summer posts may be few and far between. I have some time to myself, but it seems filled with boring things like paying bills and other such junk. And, I guess this is not my priority over reposting funny things on Facebook. :P

I am trying to decide whether to run today. There are a lot of excuses I want to make: my foot hurts, it's icky outside, it's only four months until my next birthday and I am feeling old, I need to clean the cat box... I could certainly go on forever. But, It is definitely a mental thing. I know if I put my running gear on, I would probably step foot outside the door and jump right into it. There is so much swimming around in my mind right now, I could probably use the run. But, I sit here, writing this blog that is essentially an Internet Siberia.

I hate to even admit to self-pity, because it is such a First World type of issue that I am having. This feeling of being nearly 44 and not where I want to be. Oh, poor me, I have a house and four healthy children, and some great friends. I live in a beautiful place. I am not hungry or sick. I live in a free country. Ugh. Now I don't like me much.

More and more I have the feeling that I should be investing my time in something other than the things that entertain me. I am wondering if we are just a generation of self-soothers. ACK!

Well, I am going to soothe myself for a little while and then see what presents.

Until next time,

Holly

Post Traumatic Anxiety

Wow.
It has been a long time, my friends.
I have been waging war on homework, finally catching up to my class after a long old time. In fact, it was such a long time that when I woke up this morning I still had this phantom anxiety hanging over my head. I think I traumatized myself. I have been accustomed to being the "good student" and once I got behind, I had this constant feeling of defeat and dread and ick. And, I still can't really shake it. Weird.

My running has gone well. I took an extra day off this week and last. The first one was just due to overwhelming feelings of unhappiness. I could not mentally summon the courage to run. Last week, I had two games of soccer that I did not want to double up on with a run. That was a good choice, because I was plenty sore. I like the team, which is good. I have to miss the game this week though. :( The muscle pain that I experienced this week brought back that whole idea of cross training.... I think I must schedule a bike ride.

I was going to say something about relationships and how confused I am, but every time I write about it, it does not sound right. And even that is confusing.

Happy Father's Day.

New Shoes

I have been wearing the same make and model of running shoes for two or three years. Probably more like three, since I am two years out from my injury. I went and tried on a new brand, brought them home, went through my running preparation ritual (clothes on, clean feet, glide, socks & shoes, music, headband, watch, cough drop). I started walking around the house, and they just did not feel right. I took back the pretty purple shoes. I exchanged them for the ol' white/silver/blue. They are not that pretty, but they hug my feet just the right way. I know they work. The grass is always greener, the other shoes are prettier. But if you run with the pretty shoes and get hurt, then you can't run at all. Why did I even try the pretty shoes? They felt a little different, I thought it was a good kind of different. Then she said,"They're very popular; one of our best-selling shoes." Maybe I just thought I should join the crowd.

You see what I am getting at here, right?

I have not decided whether to run or not today. I just finished a 3x3, and am tempted to just slip in a mile or two with these new shoes. More for the therapeutic value than anything else. My head hurts, and I have had some frustrating experiences the last day or so, that require some thought. I feel a 24-hour tumor coming on...

My other struggle is my fear of repeating mistakes. I am looking down the barrel of it right now. Actually, the barrel is not the right metaphor. It is more of a pathfinding situation. One thing that is clear, is that I must slow down and broaden my perspective.

Bobbing along

The weekend is waning. It has been busy, busy with kid activities. These two are growing fast, and yet we still have a long way to go, the three of us, before we begin to part ways. I was thinking about what kind of people they are and what positive influence I have had. I think they have my sense of humor and love of a good story. Then immediately I start to think of what I wish for them, and why some of the things I would want for them are not happening. Certainly I could be a better example in some ways. How can I better lead them down the path of challenge and adventure? How will they really learn about hard work, with or without reward? I would also like them to have greater value for giving and kindness.

When I think of the way that I was parented, and try to examine the traits I developed, I can see my lack of confidence and my need to please. I was lucky, in that I encountered many people who were able to model better behavior. I hope my children have many good role models as well. I don't want them to be crippled by my blind spots.

I ran on Friday, and felt exhausted. I am not sure if it was lack of sleep, or allergies, or just the end of a long week. I took yesterday off. Today is grey and windy, but I think I might enjoy it. I want to bump up my miles a little. I need new shoes.

This is the last week of my class. Everything is due by Saturday, but I would like to get it done by Friday. So many things are beginning and ending this month. School, summer, etc. I feel like I am bobbing downstream, so quickly, that I am missing the sights. I hope the summer takes its time. Ah, I hope for so many things.